(Closed) 17 days to go, and may be calling off the wedding

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I think your Fiance needs to be reminded of all of the people he is going to be woefully inconveniencing because he can’t stand up to mommy.  All of the family and friends flying in, all of the money that’s been spent thus far, all to appease a grown ass woman doing nothing more than throwing a childish temper tantrum. 

I vehemently disagree with all the posters saying he’s not choosing his mother over you.  That’s exactly what he’s doing by even thinking about cancelling the entire wedding this late in the game after so many people have invested so much time, effort and money into making this wedding happen.  All because mommy is pitching a hissy.  How is giving in to her tantrum and seriously considering calling off the wedding playing peacemaker?  He’s seriously risking jeopardizing his relationship with not only you,  but your family and friends so as to not anger the beast any more than it already is.  Peacemaker with who, exactly? From my end, looks like all he’s doing is kissing his mother’s ass so she’ll go to the wedding, all of you be damned. 

Fiance and mommy both need to grow up and start acting like adults.  At this point, they’re both acting like spoiled, selfish infants. Wonder where he gets it from?  I swear, if you apologize to this….child…I will go down to San Diego and punch you in the face! (Okay, I’m totally kidding but I am so crazy pissed at this situation for you!) 

Post # 33
Member
235 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It will deifnitely be a fight for the rest of her life at least.. sounds like she will ALWAYS come first

Post # 34
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Please do not apologize. You have done nothing wrong. If you back down now she will walk all over you until the end of time. 

 

Post # 35
Member
846 posts
Busy bee

@kokuu:

Future Mother-In-Law sounds like a HUGE manipulator!!! I went back and read the other post.  She put down a deposit for a house rental for you to pawn off Future Brother-In-Law and his junker vehicles to you.  And now has already invited additional people to your wedding-last minute!!!  Whoa!!  And your Fiance wants to cancel your big wedding because she’s thrown a hissy fit because you asked her to pay up for the extra guests that she’s invited last minute!!-that neither you nor your family can afford to accomodate!!! At the least, she is being very rude!!!   I’d be VERY leary about getting married at this point!!!  It sounds like all she has to do is throw a hissy fit-and your Fiance will do anything she wants. You better make sure it is YOU who is coming first in his life-like RIGHT NOW!!!  If not, I would RUN not walk away!!!  Because do you want her making every decision within your marriage, and with your children???  If Fiance doesn’t side with you-I don’t think I would stick with him at this point!!!  You don’t want a life-time of this!!! 
Good luck! 

Post # 36
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I have to agree with lezlers. I was in a very similar relationship and it caused the ultimate demise of us. I ignored the red flags and wasted 4 years of my life on trying to appease her to save face with him. I made myself miserable.

In case the opposers that think that he is “just keeping the peace” are right…both of you talk to the pastor that is officiating the wedding. I assure you he will offer the best advice and not for $100.00/HR since you are on a tight budget.

I truly believe this is just the beginning of her bad behavior and you have a long road to haul. Since he is probably used to this from her, he doesn’t know better and a third party may help him see how truly wrong he is for even thinking about cancelling and disrespecting the hard work you and your father have put into this.

Post # 37
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

As a fellow bride dealing with a Future Mother-In-Law from HELL my heart goes out to you! There are just some of those women in life who are used to being in control. Now that your Future Mother-In-Law is dealing with another well-organized woman (DIY-er!) in her son’s life she’s probably having a meltdown because she’s not used to having to face this type of situation. Most likely her son and husband have always done things HER way and now that she isn’t getting her way she’s acting like a child.

From personal experience I can say I know it really isn’t easy dealing with this type of situation. My Future Mother-In-Law has threaten not to attend the wedding three times now! She’s just been using it as leverage over us because now her son (my FI) is more dependent on me for extra help in life rather than her so she has nothing else to hold over our heads. I’m guessing the situtation is similar for you.

The whole time I’ve just been as respectful as I can be, but I’ve certainly held my ground. The situation has really gotten really out of hand at times.. I’ve even recieved phone calls from her along the lines of “listen little girl you don’t want to mess with me…” my reply was “I honestly think you’re being really inappropriate and we’ll have to talk at another time.” As hard as it is to be the bigger person and to hold your ground you really need to. It’s your wedding and her son is going to be your husband.

I know personally I’ve had this fear that she will hate me forever, but that fear was driving her to make things worse the whole time. At first I backed off and let her be in control thinking that this was the way to her heart…well boy was I wrong! She continued to walk more and more over me and things just got to a terrible place. Finally I stood my ground and made it clear that I will not have my FI’s “mommy” running my life. You need to take control now or think of what things are going to be like when she has an opinion about say….her grandchildren? God I can only imagine!

One thing I’ve really learnt and I will pass on to you is this: If she really truely cares for her son she isn’t going to make him unhappy by not attending your wedding. Even my godzilla Future Mother-In-Law has finally come to her senses, so I am sure that will the right attitude, respectfulness, and assertive language you CAN concure this sticky situation.

Go forward with your wedding…live YOUR life!! Good luck 🙂

Post # 38
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Threatening not at attend a wedding and following through are two different things. I would be willing to make a bet that if you do not cancel the wedding, Future Mother-In-Law will show up! How could she not go and see her little boy get  married? As for your Fiance wanting to cancel the wedding cos his Mommy threw a tantrum, well that would be a GIANT RED FLAG. Marriage is more than a wedding, you are going to have to deal with these people for a long time and IMO, your husband and you should be a team.

Post # 39
Member
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Let me be clear with you… your fiance is a Momma’s Boy. Some people are just fine with this. It’s not a judgement, it’s a fact. But you need to make a decision. You need to decide whether or not you’re okay with his mother always coming before you. If that’s fine, then let him postpone the wedding. If you’re not okay with that, then leave now.

Personally, I wouldn’t be okay with it. The man I’m marrying needs to put me before anyone else. It should be his needs, then my needs, then the rest of the family. And if I knew for sure that would never happen? I’d be out of there.

Personally, I would tell him that if he really wants to marry you, then he can do it in 17 days. If he doesn’t do it then, he won’t be getting another chance. Period.

Post # 40
Member
4194 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would personally consider holding off on marrying him at all if he is really choosing his mother over you, especially given how crazy she is being. I could understand if she had a legitimate rational reason for not coming but she’s just being bratty and totally manipulative. You are facing a lifetime of this if you go through with your courthouse wedding. It will be her first win, followed by many more. I also wouldn’t apologize to her, this is really a job for your FH, he has to be the one to stand up to her.

Good luck!

Post # 41
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

If the wedding is called off because she wont attend then she is getting control. She should not be adding all these people especially if she is not paying for it. You Fi should stand up to her and tell her that he wants her to be there but that you will be getting married with or without her – i bet you she shows up. But the only way she can get away with being (as moderndaisy said) bratty and manipulative is if you Fiance lets her get away with it. You Fiance should be understanding to your situation with the financing and planning- I would be irate if my Fiance had suggested canceling the wedding – i would tell him it’s now or never.

My friend had problems with her bf mom a lot and when her bf finally said look mom this is my gf im not going to put up with this you need to deal with it and stop acting this way– well she stopped (a majority of it did – there is still some tension but at least the acting out stopped)

Post # 42
Member
236 posts
Helper bee

I do agree that his mom is only making threats, and she is doing this because she wants to get her way, but that is where your Fiance needs to draw the line. My DH and I knew without a doubt that his mother was playing games when she said she wasn’t coming, she wanted us and him to beg her and tell her  that she will always be number, but we didn’t….we did the opposite, we ignored her, and she was raged over it and also shocked that her son wasn’t begging for her to come, but who ended up coming anyways…she did and with that we also made a very impacting statement to her. So my point is, even if it’s a threat, no mother should use that as way to get their way. I also agreed with the bees that said how RUDE and selfish of  his mother and even him for that matter, to even suggest calling off the wedding after how much your family has put into the wedding. That I find to be disgusting on their part.

Post # 43
Member
1524 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, and think it’s really unfair of your Fiance to be putting you in this situation.

Lezlers said it best, I think.  He is choosing his mother over you in the sense that what matters most here is that he and mom are happy – not the money and time you spent putting this together, not the feelings of your family and certainly not your desire for an actual wedding.  Playing peacemaker is one thing, placating Mommie Dearest is another, and by behaving as though her behavior warrants attention your Fiance is sending a clear message that all she has to do is throw a fit and he’ll come running to “compromise” – even when one isn’t warranted.  She’s being unreasonable.  End of story.

I was in a four year relationship with someone like this, and the mother-son dynamic was part of what killed it for me.  (Not saying it will or should for you, just offering my experience.)  I couldn’t imagine being married to someone who couldn’t put his family (ie: me, and any kids we might have) first in his life.  Thinking about how our son or daughter would feel when he inevitably skipped a birthday party or graduation because Dad couldn’t tell Grandma where to stuff it made me realize my then boyfriend wasn’t a good choice as a life partner.

Post # 44
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I would tell him that you understand him wanting his mother to be there but it is HER CHOICE. Her behavior should not be rewarded by you cancelling the reception and if you do it, she will continue to manipulate you and your family. My bet is she would still attend and she is playing her son. I am so, so sorry.

Post # 45
Member
281 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Kokuu, I’m soo sorry you are in this situation. I know what it’s like for a Fiance to be in love with his mom becuase I dealt with it myself. While it did take hard, tears and tons of arguing, you need to put your foot down NOW. You have no reason to apologize. This is yours and you FI’s wedding. If he does not stand up for your relationship and put his mom in her the only thing you will see from here on out is turmoil and constant competition.

I still deal with this every so often but you better beleve that i pester Fiance until he says something to his mom.

It is his responsibility to say something and you FMIL’s to apologize. Go about your business and if he wants to cancel the wedding call his bluff and tell him it’s cancelled since he has no balls and lost the love of his life. You’ll see how  the tables will magically turn.

Good luck!

The topic ‘17 days to go, and may be calling off the wedding’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors