(Closed) 17 days to go, and may be calling off the wedding

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

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@kokuu:  There’s no reason for you to feel inferior, and while I understand worrying about her behavior, you can’t control her and trying to will only ruin your day.

BUT – you can do things to minimize your exposure to her toxic mess during the wedding.  Warn your family beforehand so they’re not blindsided by nasty comments, and enlist your bridal party to keep her way from you and out of your suite/room/area while you get ready. 

Post # 63
Member
3575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Upon reading everyone’s posts I can’t stop thinking about what one said because I so strongly disagree with @daydreamwanderer with this statement:

“Just because his dramatic mother called for an ultimatum doesn’t mean you two need to give in to that. She’s going to be your mother, she is the mother of the man you love. Yes, she is also being crazy, but don’t weddings make everyone more crazy than usual?”

This woman is NOT going to be your mother.  Just because you are marrying her son does not give her the right to be called your mother.  Someone you might consider for such a title would be a woman who is supportive, who cares about what you think and feel and who genuinely loves you for you.  And clearly this is NOT HER.

Just because you’re marrying her son doesn’t mean you have to get along.  Would it make things easier if you did?  I’m sure it would.  But life isn’t perfect. 

If she does come to the wedding, I really think that your Fiance needs to let her know that if she is out of line at all with you…on your day, which is supposed to be filled with happiness and joy…then she needs to leave.  I really wish he would stand up for you more. 

With this being said, I offer you many blessings and happiness for you and your Fiance no matter what conclusion you come to.  The last thing you need is more stress and we all know who is providing that! 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Post # 64
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

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@kokuu: Girl. Let me give my perspective (and this is my armchair psychology take on things):

It made total sense she’s acting this way when you described his home life. Basiclally, your Future Mother-In-Law is freaking out because she just realized she’s about to “lose” her primary partner/support/fill-in SO in life. She probably doesn’t even realize, on a conscious level, that this is what’s bothering her.When people’s sense of security is threatened on such a deep level, it causes them to act our in horrific ways that make people around them say they are crazy, or being unreasonable, etc etc. She’s upset and doesn’t know why, so is coming up with ANYTHING SHE CAN to justify her actions. So what will happen is first she’ll be pissed off about the guest list, but then she’ll say oh no, I’m just pissed off because you’re ‘impure’, and then be pissed about the cost, then change it to something else, and around and around – because NONE of those things are actually what’s bothering her. She doesn’t know what’s bothering her, but she’s going to kick and scream to make sure this wedding doesn’t happen because that’s what she knows will make herself feel better.

DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It’s not about you, it’s about her boundary-less relationship with him.

Your Fiance did ABSOLUTELY the right thing by standing up to her, because if he didn’t, her desire to never let him go would just grow stronger and stronger and remain unchecked forever. Setting a boundary and putting his foot down, while totally painful and awful in the moment, is absolutely the best thing to do in the long run.

My prediction is this will get worse before the wedding, then completely disappear, and she will show up and grovel and be there totally happy for him once she realizes she is losing this fight. DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER!!!! Go forward with the wedding and be happy, and be confident you two are a team and she will figure herself out eventually.

I haven’t read everyone’s responses, but yelling at her, calling her out, arguing with her etc. is likely to get you nowhere – because she’s not making a logical argument, so using logic with her WON’T WORK. Just try to say “we appreciate you’re upset about (x: moving target), but we are moving forward with this wedding and would love for you to be there”. Don’t engage her anymore than that and I’m sure eventually she will fall back in line, and probably have more respect for you at the end of the day. If not, definitely come up with a “team strategy” for how to handle her in the future. One good rule is you shouldn’t deal with her directly ever – let Fiance handle all drama with her and keep yourself out of it.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

Post # 65
Member
402 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Just to add, I think it’d be wonderful for you to speak with a counselor (with or without FI) at least once or twice before the big day.  I hear what you’re saying about your own self-esteem issue and, believe me, Future Mother-In-Law knows this and is exploiting it.  You’re not likely to ‘solve’ all the issues in a session or two with a counselor, but you’ll be able, not only to air this, but to hear back from a trained professional that YOU are on solid ground here, that Future Mother-In-Law is against you as she would be against ANYbody marrying her precious, and that Fiance could use some significant help in this area (in my humble opinion, many guys could).  I think you’ll feel better and be able to greet your wedding day (and beyond) much more confidently having had a trained, impartial and hopefully intelligent confidante in your corner.  If Fiance won’t go with you – and he may not – you can go yourself.

Post # 66
Member
1995 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

His mother sounds like a huge baby!  It is not her day and she doesn’t get to make the rules!  She’s using her mother power to get her son to do whatever she wants and since she’s threatening not to show up he’ll do whatever she wants.  This is riduclous.  I cannot believe some “adults”.  Seriously are we playing children’s games?  If she was mature (and had actual reservations about your marriage) then she would voice them in a normal, calm way  – probably 9 months ago!  You need to speak with Fiance and mother and explain that the issue of kids is small – are there any larger issues?  B/c she may just want attention or to ruin you guys – but if it really is just the kids or no kids issue then you can sort it out.

Post # 67
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@kokuu: I pretty much agree with the majority of the other bees. Just the fact that he wants to postpone the wedding because of his mother sends up a big red flag. I would think long and hard about wanting to spend the rest of my life with a man that is willing to put my happiness on hold for the sake of his mother. I could totally understand if the mother was sick or had one leg in the grave and the other leg on a bananna peel, but she isn’t. Future Mother-In-Law is just being down right evil & if FH wants to call off the wedding, I would tell him that it’s called off forever.

 

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