(Closed) 18 and Waiting

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I would never tell an Internet Stranger that she was too young to marry–but the odds are most certainly against you.

I know of ONE couple who married at 18 who are still together, after almost 15 years of marriage. My cousin and his now-wife fell in love in high school.  Before they married, they made some SERIOUS life plans. Savings goals. When they wanted to buy a house. When they wanted to have their first kid. They really came at it like partners. While they were clearly teenagers in love, they kept their heads straight. He joined the military, and she became a physician’s assistant. In other words, two jobs that could provide a middle-class lifestyle without college degrees. 

Pretty sure they are the EXCEPTION, and not the RULE. What they did in 2000 may not even be possible now.

Financing a ring and putting it on layaway isn’t the best way to start a financial future. I would focus on getting a real education. That does not have to be a four-year college, but it does have to be a trade or vocation. My recommendation is to get your education. Spend 24 hours apart from your boyfriend. Travel! See the world! Then, a year from now…if you’re still together, THEN start focusing on the ring.

Post # 17
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

If you have to ask, you’re not ready. 
I knew my DH at 18. Did I want to marry him? Yeah, if that’s where the road went. But we waited. To finish schooling, become financially independent, have our own place… But there was also things I did with DH (Boyfriend at the time). I wenr on trips by myself or with friends. I’m not a partier so there wasn’t any parties I wanted to hit up. 
It isn’t totally the same, but DH and I are TTC. There are things we want to cross off a ‘list’ as a couple before a baby hits the scene. We’re travelling in September to Iceland as a ‘babymoon’, and are finishing up some necessary renovations (like a working upstairs bathroom sink 🙁 ). 
Not saying you need your bucket list done before marriage, but like PP have said and I’ll echo; Slow down. If it’s worth it, it’ll happen. 

Post # 18
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
ren89:  yes! Thank you! 😂😂

Post # 19
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

Getting married is expensive. Forget about the wedding – marrige licences, name changes, updating documents, taxes… There is no need to rush to the alter. If you have a solid relationship, you can both take your time getting to know one another first. A year or two more to work out kinks and quirks will strengthen your bond, plus build a savings account for your wedding, or maybe your schooling.

Post # 20
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee

Why the rush? Why not just enjoy eachother and wait a while? I agree with PPs that waiting until your mid 20s sounds like a good idea. If I had of married the BF I was with at 18 I can tell you that we would be unhappily married or divorced by now. I changed SO MUCH between the age of 18 and 25 that I’m not the same person anymore. I thought I was all grown up and knew what I wanted at 18 – I really didn’t.

Is he your first love? Your first love is always the most imtense and all rational thoughts tend to go right out the window, its very easy to get caught up in… just sloooowwww down! After 3-4 failed relationships by my mid 20s I finally knew what kind of life partner I wanted and the kind of life I wanted and I wasn’t blinded by that intense first love so I could see everything clearly.

Post # 21
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

It’s fun to fall in love. Many of us have had experiences where we meet someone, click, and never spend more than 24 hours a part for the first year. I also thought I would marry the boyfriend I had at 18, but I have grown and changed more than I thought possible since then (I’m an old at 30 now). 

Sorry to be so blunt, but you’re only 18 and you are tying yourself down to someone who has a kid and rushing (yes, you are rushing) into marriage before you can legally drink? Why? 

Post # 22
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee

You are way too young to be considering this. Wait at least another 5 years… at least. You are still in the honeymoon phase of your relationship where everything is rainbows and magicial, it is not reality. Find your own identity, grow as person and get established as an individual before even considering marraige.

Post # 23
Member
809 posts
Busy bee

You’re far too young, with way too little time of actually dating. What’s the rush? Why not wait a few more years, and really give your relationship a chance to grow. Even after a year, you probably don’t fully see the REAL person yet because walls and good behavior are up for months on end. Be mature about this decision-no one should be married at 18 or 19. Believe me, I started dating SO at 18. I know the excitement of knowing how much you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. But I’m going on 23 (SO is 23 now) and the amount we’v changed in 4 years both individually and as a couple is monumental. Luckily, we’ve grown together, but often that doesn’t happen. Enjoy just being boyfriend and girlfriend. But if you rush at this rate, you’ll continue to, and at the very least if you don’t end up regretting it all together, you’ll probably wishes you’d enjoy the moment more rather than always running towards the future. If your love is real, nothing but good changes will happen by waiting. At least wait until 22, at the least. I’d say 25 but it doesn’t sound likely. I know you think you’re an adult at 18. We all did. And coming from someone who is only 4 years older; you’re not an adult yet. And that’s not an insult, just a fact. And you shouldn’t be making adult decisions before you’re an adult. 

Post # 24
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

It’s possible to get married young and have a fulfilling, lasting relationship. However, statistically speaking, it is unlikely nowadays. Is it normal in your part of the world to get married in your late teens/early twenties? If you choose to take this path now, you may have to be resilient enough to face judgement from others if getting married young is frowned upon where you are. 

Personally, I feel that such a short time period is not enough time to get to know a person, regardless of how old they are! I met my SO when we were both 20, in the middle of university and knew fairly quickly that we wanted to marry and so started talking about money, life goals, family, etc. But even then we chose to wait until at least one of us had finished studying and was in a stable job., which was about three and a half years later. 

Learning and growing together is wonderful but I think it would be really important for the both of you to figure who you are separate from each other as well. You said after all that you’ve hardly spent more than 24 hours apart. 

I think if you were to go through with this, the both of you would need to make sure you’ve discussed all of the things that others have previously mentioned above. My other piece of advice if you go through with this is to have a long engagement to be really sure you want to get married. Don’t rush into this, there’s nothing wrong with being a couple and not married. 

Only you know the right answer for what works best in your situation. But I still think you should seriously consider the points that we all have made. 

Post # 25
Member
1705 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t mean to sound judgmental, but can I ask why you’re putting over $7,000 toward a ring, and not your education, or his debt? That’s a lot of money that could be used to set up your future.

Post # 26
Member
691 posts
Busy bee

My mom was married at 17 and my dad was 18. My husband’s parents were 18 (it was a rush job, my husband was on the way). None of them divorced.

My husband and I were ready to be married at 18 also. BUT we both went to college and had a LDR first. We got married 2 weeks after we graduated from our colleges and moved across the country so he could start medical school. We bought our first house a year later and had a baby a year after that.

That’s just my background, so you can see that I do understand where you are coming from. Heck, I had an aunt who was married at 13 (yes, 13).

The thing is, if you are truly meant to be together, waiting 4 years until you both go to college won’t be a big deal. I’m so glad that we both got an education first, and that my husband was able to follow his career dreams. My father in law always regretted giving up his college scholarship to get married, and their finances have certainly not been what they would have been otherwise. My dad always wanted a college degree, but he had a family to support instead.

Go to college. Get an education and encourage your boyfriend to do the same. 4 years will go by in a snap and then you can get married if you choose to, or focus on being you and your career for a while. It sounds like you want an education, but are giving it up in this rush to marry.

Post # 27
Member
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Without knowing more details, the fact that he’s 21 with an 18-month old kid (meaning he got someone pregnant at 18/19) is a huge red flag. It sounds like he loves to fall head over heels and make some rushed and immature decisions.

Also, if you’ve been together 8 months and you’re 18, it sounds like he began dating you when you were not even 18 (or had just turned 18). Meanwhile he was several years older with a relatively-newborn daughter from another woman?

Post # 28
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
fmi7:   Your reply and lack of defensive posturing leads me to believe that you’re pretty mature for an 18 year old. That’s in your favor. I still say get some more schooling under your belt, while you live together and hopefully grow together. I will tell you that I was in love and engaged at 19….but broke it off when I was 21. One of the smartest things I ever did. Take care.

Post # 29
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

I just don’t understand why the rush to be married.

Yes, you are too young.

Yes, you are rushing.

As a PP pointed out, the fact that you aren’t getting defensive and seem to have a rational and logical attitude towards our replies is very refreshing because it does show maturity but I’m more so worried about him being too immature.

He has debt. He is using money he doesn’t have to finance your ring. He is 21 and never pursued higher education. He got another woman pregnant. He started dating you when you were barely an adult whereas he was. 

Again, I don’t see the rush to be legally married if you are enjoying your relationship and already live together. You’re definitely still in the honeymoon phase. You haven’t had a chance to grow as a person or to experience all the ups and downs of your relationship. Heck, you haven’t even spent a full year together yet. If you want to be engaged for the sake of being engaged and having the ring, then go for it, I guess. But please give yourself and your relationship time to grow. Metaphorically speaking, why would you pick a fruit before it’s ripe? 

(For the record, I’m fairly young too, and when I was 18, I started dating someone I was crazy about and sure I would marry…well, that dream ended rather quickly especially because I grew up and matured and he did not. You will change drastically in the next 1-2 years, trust me.)

Post # 30
Member
2956 posts
Sugar bee

Obviously you know that you are too young, otherwise you wouldn’t be posting, asking strangers if you are too young to get married. I think you know the answer. Most people will tell you that you are too young, but you will ignore them, and a couple people will tell you they got married at 18 and it all worked out. You will take those couple of people seriously and give yourself permission to move forward with a decision that you know, deep down, is unnecessary and bad.

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