(Closed) 18 and Waiting

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

My fiance and I are both 23 and I thought we were young compared to most brides today. I guess when you know you know? I would want a longer engagement if I were your age to focus on getting my education as that was important to us and why we waiting until after we graduated from college (even if we only waited 2 weeks after graduation). It’s your life and you can choose what to do with it but always make sure you put school first if that is what is important to you. 

Post # 32
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Backyard

Something that I don’t think has been brought up is that starting a marriage so young can stunt your psychological development significantly. My fiance and I both have parents who got married when our mothers were teenagers. His parents and mine are both still married. The thing is, neither have very healthy relationships because they never really matured past their teens. I am not going to tell you that you won’t have a lasting relationship. You may. If you would like to mature past your teens though, it’s not a great idea.

Post # 33
Member
1206 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - Omaha, NE

My general rule of thumb is that if you’re not old enough to toast your marriage at the wedding, you shouldn’t be getting married. And that’s coming from someone who got engaged at 18 in my senior year of high school. Needless to say, we are not together. Nor did I marry the guy after that. I’m two SO’s later and now I’m 24 and VERY happy I didn’t marry the one that proposed or the one after in my early 20’s. 

Get to know the real adult you, e.g. having your own apartment, drinking, balancing school and work/life, having friends who you don’t see every day in the halls, etc. etc. etc.

Post # 34
Member
1032 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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fmi7:  I think you need to dramatically slow down. You’re only 18 and he’s only 21 And you’ve only been together 8 months. I will be honest to say my Fiance and I met at your ages, I was 18 and he was 21. But we’ve lived together for 2 years and have been together for 3 1/2 and have been through massive trials together (none of them being direct problems between us. Just family problems or extremely emotional and personal things have come up). I’ve seen him at his absolute worst and best, just as he’s seen me at mine. I love him through all of it of course. But I cant imagine myself getting engaged when we first met.

I think you need a few years to know if it’s truly the person to spend your life with and I also believe you need to go through some big life changes, good and rough together. Also try your hand at premarital counseling before engagement. My Fiance and I did some for a few months and the counselor laughed and told us we didn’t need premarital counseling and that we “knocked it out of the park” and was “ready to get married”. 

That alone should help you realize how well you know each other and if you’re truly ready to commit your life to a person. 

Post # 35
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

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fmi7:  my SO and I met at 21 (which I thought was young)we moved in within 1 month and have now been together for 4 years and are starting to think about marriage. We know each other like the back of our hands, but that took a lot longer than a couple months. Everyone is different so no one can really tell you whether this will crash and burn or be your greatest decision.. I know if I had married the guy I was dating for a year and a half at 18 I would have been in for a surprise, and honestly would have missed out on a lot of life experiences. I think if you do decide to be engaged so young at least think about a lengthy engagement.. whats the rush? I’m sure you love each other and are excited for your future but marriage is a HUGE commitment, one that I wouldn’t have understood at 18.. even at almost 26 I’m not planning to actually tie the knot til I’m at least 28.. you’ve found your “person” enjoy him and let life unfold naturally is my advice! If it works out amazing if not you saved yourself some hardship! 

Post # 36
Member
495 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

My sister met her DH at 17 and got engaged at 19. She delayed getting married until she was 24 as she wanted to finish her education. They’re celebrating 15 years of marriage this year. If they’d married earlier though I’m not so sure it would have lasted. They needed time to grow up without the responsibility of marriage 

Post # 37
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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fmi7:  My Fiance and I met and started dating at 19. We are 29 now…and will be married in September. You change SO much as a young adult from a teen. We changed so much in our 20’s and luckily we were able to give each other the space to grow into our own & we let our relationship evolve and change. If we would have got married at 21, we would have been divorced by now. Finding the one you want to be with is great, but don’t rush. Life isn’t a sprint race…it’s a marathon. Slow down and enjoy this time because you’ll never get it back. 

Post # 38
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee

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fmi7:  assuming you’re the first of your friends to get married, I just want to advise you to not forget your friends and how much they put into your wedding now. They might get married 5-10-15yrs down the road when you have children and house bills and adult stuff going on BUT that’s no excuse for you to slack! Your friends are putting their time/money/effort into making you happy, so you owe it to them later to do the same. Nothing cut my friendships faster than my friends not reciprocating for my wedding.

Post # 39
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

So my friend starting seeing a guy when she was 18, she’d just dropped out of her studies. They were engaged within 9 months, as I sat in her childhood bedroom and she told me she was engaged my face was something like this:

Needless to say, I think I could have been more supportive and more excited. She had a longer engagement and married at 22. They lived together beforehand and had a lovely wedding. They’ve been through quite a lot of stuff together, she miscarried days away from her 12 week ultrasound, among other things. They’re coming up to four years this year and have a lovely 3 year old child. I think it took them a little bit of time to find their rhythm but they seem to be OK now.

BUT they don’t have the kind of marriage that I wanted for myself. They struggle with the division of childcare/housework. Sometimes he can still be quite immature. I couldn’t put up with that but she can (or at least can at the moment). If you’re getting engaged, I’d recommend working out what you want from a marriage, how you see the division of housework/childcare going, do you expect to work or be a SAHM? Also what will be your role in his child’s life? Then finding out what he wants, see where there might be conflict. Pre-martial counselling would be another recommendation too.

I disagree with some of the others. He doesn’t need a college education to provide for you but he does need to get his debt under control. As life goes on, it gets harder and harder to save. Sort out the finances sooner rather than later (from someone who looks back to even two years ago and is mad at myself for not saving more). If you really want a further education, I think you should pursue it but I don’t think it’s something you should necessarily do unless you really wanting to do it. As for the red flag about his child, sometimes birth control fails, sometimes people are irresponsible. Work out which he was and see if he learnt from it.

I met my now husband at 20, we were both at university. We spent a lot of time together and more or less lived together at that time (we just alternated which house we stayed at). We were talking about marriage quite soon but it was a someday as we both wanted to finish our studies, we privately described ourselves as ‘engaged to be engaged’. I got engaged at 24 and married at 26. With the exception of my friend, I have no other friends who are married so we needed to talk a lot about what our expectations were and what we wanted from marriage. I think that is the biggest hindrance to a marriage when expectations don’t align.

Also if you are going to marry him – this will hopefully be your last time of being a gf. Just enjoy being a gf. Then when you do get engaged, have some time just being a fiancée. You’ll have the rest of your life to be wife. Only you know the right pace at the end of the day.

Post # 40
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think 18 is too young, but reading your post I think you are too young. You seem way too caught up in this. 

Also,sort your damn finances out first! It frustrates me to no end all these couples rushing off to get married but they’re getting loans for their rings, they are unqualified, have no savings, etc etc. Your centre stone doesn’t need to be worth 6k if you can’t afford to outright buy it. 

Post # 41
Member
1157 posts
Bumble bee

That’s a lot of money to spend on a ring that neither of you really have… But that’s your decision. 

I’d advise a long engagement. Several years at least. 

Post # 42
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

To me the biggest concern is the fact that he has an infant with another woman. This is concerning for several reasons. First, it sounds like he started dating you when this newborn was only 6 or 7 months old if I’m understanding the timeline correctly. Ok, shit happens, but where is his ex in the picture? How often does he have the baby? You say you’ve never spent more than 24 hrs apart…that seems strange to me for someone who has to care for a baby.

Even more concerning is that you don’t even mention this child in your original post…you mention it in passing in an update. This makes it seem as though the child is not on your mind very much. (Which is understandable given that you’re 18!) So not only are you 18 and considering getting married, but you’re considering being a step mother to a baby. These are both HUGE life-time commitments to make at any age, but at 18? Have you really thought about what that means, to sign on to be someone’s mother, not just today, but for the rest of your life?

Finally, strongly agree with OP’s that his finances are another massive red flag. He has a baby, has debt, is 21 yrs old, and is spending over $7k on a ring that he has to finance? This screams irresponsible. 

Post # 43
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

He has an 18 month old child and you’ve been together almost a year so you started seeing someone with a 6 month old baby as a 17 year old. also for that child to exist he must have felt pretty serious with another person just a couple of years ago, why would you think he would have e the ability to commit long term to you? 

 

He wants to spent $7k on a ring when he’s got debt, he’s not encouraging you to pursue a career or schooling but he’s involving you in the care of his child. 

 

You say you’re waiting to discover your dream career, you do that by researching, gaining an education and getting to k ow yourself not by moving ina teenage dad after a month of knowing him and spending money neither of you have on a ring and a wedding. 

 

The things you could do, you could get a degree, start a career, travel, learn a language, gain life experience for the next 10 years and still be a young bride. He SHOULD be encouraging you to do this. 

 

Why wouldn’t you go grab YOUR life by the balls, make memories, gain some life experience and see if your teenage dad, working in construction, getting himself into debt is really the best you can do with your life. 

You already live together and it seems your family are tolerating that, why marry him? You’re a child. 

Post # 44
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I can’t imagine being engaged to someone I’d known less than a year at 18. Heck, I don’t think I would have wanted to be engaged to my Fiance now after less than a year. We were still getting to know each other then, had only just gone on our first holiday together.

There is no rush. Please, enjoy just being a couple, have some fun, take some trips together, further your education if you want, save some money. You have many years ahead of you.

Post # 45
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Can I just add too- think what being married means. An expensive ring and a pretty dress are all well and good but there is so much more to marriage. Don’t get caught up. Think long and hard.

If you have to ask strangers on the internet if you’re too young and is it a rush then yes, you’re too young and it’s a rush. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 8 months ago by KellyB262.

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