(Closed) 18 and Waiting

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 46
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Walt Disney World

Why not have a long engagement? I know a lot of bees look down on brides under 26-27, but this is coming from someone who is 20: me and SO (21) have been together for five years, and are planning on getting engaged this year. After getting engaged, we are waiting a couple more years to get married. I am graduating with a bachelor’s this year and he is already working for the company he wants to grow in. We want to be financially secure and able to buy a house before we get married. I cannot tell you how much we have grown and matured from our high school graduation to right now. It’s not that you’re young that concerns me, it’s the amount of maturing that is about to take place in the next 2-5 years. I know my life goals and ideas have changed dramatically since I was 18. Wait a little.

Post # 47
Member
1140 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
fmi7:  there’s no such thing as a stable career in constructio. It is one of the first industries to be hit when the economy goes bad (such as in 2008, which you may not remember from that perspective since you were quite young)

Post # 48
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
fmi7:  I don’t believe anyone on the internet can say for sure whether or not you are too young to marry this man; but, I will say that it is most likely you are too young. It is also likely that you are rushing into this — you’ve been together less than a year. But what concerns me more, well maybe not more … maybe just as much … is the fact that you are both so young, you only have high school educations, you admit to being concerned about money (which is born out by the fact that he has debt and has to put a $1300 setting on layaway), and yet you are planning on a $6000 center stone for the ring. That sounds like an immature decision to me. 

I’ve got to hand it to you, though — you sound very mature and together for someone who is 19 and so I am disinclined to tell you what to do. Well, aside from the obvious, which is get yourself over to that community college you mentioned and get registered. You are clearly smart; get yourself on the road to that college degree and you’ll be in a stronger position to make big life decisions like this. Good luck! 

Post # 49
Member
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Yeah, I think that 18 is really young, and that dating less then a year, is really fast.  But those are personal choices and the people on the internet that don’t know you, can’t tell you what is wrong or right.  However,  I think that is is very easy to see the fact that instead of paying for community college, you guys are putting a very large sum of money into a ring.  My Fiance and I are older then you and have great jobs.  We could have paid cash for a ring that price.  However, even though we could afford it, I didn’t think that it would be smart to spend that much.  My ring was about 2k.  And since your boyfriend can’t even afford the 1.3k setting, I don’t think you should even spend that much.  If it is really the marriage you want, you don’t need a ring at all, or you could spend just a couple hundred on something smaller.  It just seems so dumb to spend money you don’t have on a ring, when you really need to be spending money on your education.  It sounds like maybe he has an ok job, but you even voiced that you want to go to school.  Then that is what you need to do, and put your money towards.

Post # 50
Member
6355 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

The general rule is that of you have to ask, then yes you are too young. You sounds incredibly swept up in this. But sloooow down. You haven’t even been together a year yet! 

Also, I must echo the other PPs. The fact that he is financing a $7000 ring when he has a young child to care for and debt?!?! Not mature or responsible at all.

Post # 51
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I met my Fi at 19. I’m 21 and getting married. He’ll be 23. 

We’ve lived together for a yr and a half. We both have full time jobs and I go to school full time. We are self supporting and are paying for the wedding ourselves. 

Communication is key. While I knew he was the one early on and was ready to pounce at the Marriage idea asap, I appreciate the fact he knows what he is marrying.. By the time we are married, he will have known me for 2.5 years. We’ve discussed everything and he understands that I’m not going anywhere in his highly stressful career. 

My mom had a saying. Experience all the major holidays with his family before you marry because it’s not just him you’re marrying. 

Post # 52
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

To be honest I don’t think your age is an issue but the amount of time you’ve been together is a big issue, slow down girl you haven’t even left the honeymoon stage yet!!!

Post # 53
Member
234 posts
Helper bee

Statistically speaking, you’re still in the honeymoon stage, and your true colours don’t really show in a relationship until well pay the 1 year mark.  Statistically speaking, your age, and the fact that you live together before marriage make you more likely to experience divorce.  Him having a child makes the states even stronger against you.  The stats are against young rushed marriages, and a divorce isn’t an experience I’d wish on my worst enemy.

I don’t care much for stats, my fi and I have been dating since we were 15, and will be married at 22.  We have both changed DRAMATICALLY since six years ago when we met, but we have changed into better, well balanced people.  We were not ready for marriage when we were 18, but certainly thought we were!  We would probably be divorced had we married at 18, just because our expectations of what a “husband” or “wife” is and does would have been seriously let down, and we would have become crazy disillusioned.  Money is the #1 cause of divorce, and at 18 we THOUGHT his crappy construction job was the bees knees, but it would not have supported the way we wanted to live.  

We saved up almost $30,000 before we got engaged.  I finished my undergraduate degree before the wedding.  We bought a house pre-marriage, went to counselling, travelled a good deal, did a renovation (or three!).  We experienced deaths in the family, and I’ve gotten a chance to admire his diaper-changing abilities.  Basically, we’ve been through some major stressors, and THAT is when you know you’re ready.  Not in that first year when everything is sunshine and daisies, but when the world is crashing down around you, and you become a team against the world.

I’m not against young marriage.  We’ll technically be young.  My parents were married at 19 (and when he died young, were they EVER happy they hadn’t waited).  But just remember, if it’s “forever” he isn’t going anywhere, so maybe take time time to save, travel, and experience what true married life *might* be like before you jump into the white dress.

Post # 54
Member
12326 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m honestly shocked to see that your parents would agree to help pay for a wedding, rather than say they will use those funds on your education.  And him spending 7k on a ring when you say you’re concerned about money??  Holy crap.  How does that not sound insane!  Yes 18 is too young imo.  1 yr of dating at 18 is definitely too fast.  But I’m sure no matter what anyone says, you will believe you know best… only time will tell.  Hope you will not be another young marriage divorce story in a decade.

Post # 55
Member
5136 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
fmi7:  I am going to go against the grain here and tell you, yes you are way to young. At 18, marriage wasn’t even a thought in my mind when I met my now husband. We met at a young age, and even though I knew from the beginning we would get married some day, it wasn’t something I rushed into. It was in the back of my mind as a someday type of thing.

We enjoyed our dating life. We traveled, we spent weekends away together, we went out  A LOT. We went through college stress together, we went through having crappy jobs together. There are so many experiences we went through.

Why are you in a rush to get married?

Post # 56
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

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Daizy914:  I don’t think you’re going against the grain with that opinion, everyone seems to feel that way!

OP – the man you want to marry has a child with another woman (as a teenager) doesn’t live with her, can’t afford to pay for your ring, and doesn’t have a college education. Does that sound like the dream to you?

Post # 57
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

You’re a teenager and he’s obviously financially irresponsible if he’s in debt and still planning to *finance* a 7k engagement ring. And you’re immature to let him do that, and frankly just by definition. Chill out. Go to college. It’s very very easy to be this happy so soon in a relationship. See if you even make it 2 years before committing your life. 

Post # 58
Member
5136 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

View original reply
beebee1983:  i didn’t read ALL the posts lol – i saw a few that were along the lines of “you should do what makes you happy, only ou know your relationship” haha

but glad to know the majority is in agreement

Post # 59
Member
9755 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Personal opinion, everything about this situation screams “terrible idea!” to me. 

Go to school, get a job, be able to spend time away from your partner. Become a well rounded person, then revisit marriage in a few years.

Post # 60
Member
2722 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

View original reply
fmi7:  Personally, I think 18 is way too young to get married so I have to agree with the majority here.

Everyone keeps telling you that you are so young, even though you may not feel that way.  I turned 30 earlier this year, and when I was 18, I thought I was so much more mature than I actually was.  As many have pointed out, your brain continues to develop and grow well into your 20’s and things I wanted and thought were important at 18, looking back, just were not.

If your boyfriend truly is the love of your life, he will be there 4, 5 or 6 years from now.  If you two are truly meant to be together, you will grow together.  Many couples meet when they are young, but the difference is that they aren’t rushing into marriage at 18.  They are taking time to finish their schooling and getting their careers going – which is the smart way to do it, as financial problems are one of the biggest driving factors of divorce.

I also see concerns with your boyfriend’s career.  While there is so such thing as a real stable career field anymore, there are some that are more stable than others (ie. anything in STEM is more stable than the arts) but your boyfriend is in one of the most unstable fields around in construction (not exactly sure what “reconstruction” is but I am assuming you mean “construction”).  Without any additional schooling beyond high school, your career earnings top out very quickly.

I haven’t even mentioned your boyfriend’s baby yet.  You do realize he is financially responsible for her until age 18, right?  I personally would never have gotten involved with someone that already had a 6-7 month old, but that’s water under the bridge.  Being a step parent is a huge deal, something I think you would have no idea of what you’re getting into at age 18.

As I see things, there is no reason for you to rush to get married.  It’s not a race to get to the alter.  Enjoy the relationship for what it is.  You can plan your future, but at the same time, enjoy it one day at a time.

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