(Closed) 19 and soon to be engaged…HELP!

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
68 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

First off I have to say that I am very concerned about the fact that you are 19 and getting married.  I am 24 and getting married and I am not that much older then you, but I can say that I have changed a lot within those years and if I would have married the guy that I was with when I was 19 it would have been a big mistake. You say you cant wait…But why? I am not trying to “mother” you, just trying to give you some good advice, if your relationship is ment to be then you will still be together when your done with college and have became a different person, this way you can see if you two changed together, or grew seperate.   Honestly I am concerned for you and your future and I think that your parents have every right to be concerned as well.  They only want the best for you.  SO that being said, if you still feel that this is the best decision for you, then you just need to talk to your parents about it and try to get them to see where you are coming from.

Post # 4
Member
1725 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m not sure what kind of advice you’re looking for. It sounds like you guys have already made your minds up to get engaged soon and your family knows you are both serious, so once he proposes just tell them you’re engaged…if you choose to do this, be sure to have written plans and be in agreement…be prepared to have to work hard together and grow up together. 

Post # 5
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I got proposed to when I was 17 and 19 by  two different guys and I can say with complete confidence that I’d be miserable had I accepted either.  When I look at where I was only a few years ago I realize how much I’ve grown up..and I NEVER believed early 20 year olds when they told me this and I was the 19 year old…so I certainely don’t expect you to! It sounds like you’re pretty decided though, so I don’t know if this even counts as advice!

Post # 6
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

A part of me does wonder, what’s the rush? I mean REALLY, what’s the rush?!?! Getting married should really be no different than being with your SO as bf/gf, unless you are religious and waiting for marriage to have sex, etc…Whether you agree with your family or not, at this age I would just be respectful of them and wait a bit longer, I just don’t see the point of “rushing” into something so serious at 19 UNLESS there are other reasons that you have not mentioned.

Post # 7
Member
1994 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

 I think you may be kind of young for this kind of committment.  Speaking from personal experience, you have no idea how you’re going to change even in the the next  couple yrs.  The 18 yr. old me, was so different from the 23 yr. old me. If you guys are fixed on getting engaged, you should probably consider a longer engagement, at least to give yourselves time to grow a bit more & make sure its what you still want 2 or 3 yrs. down the road.  Also,  It would probably put your mom’s mind at ease, if you decide to have the wedding after you finish school. 

Post # 8
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Assuming you are still planning to finish college and delay starting a family, I think you should emphasize that when you tell your family. I got married while in college and my family’s biggest fear was that I would drop of school and get pregnant right away. Also, if your family doesn’t agree with you, handle it maturely by listening to them and thanking them for being concerned about them. Don’t try too argue, just thank them for theory advice, but tell them you’ve made your own decision.

Post # 9
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are very young. I am 25 and I got married when I was 19 and divorced from that relationship. I did alot of growing up in the last few years between 19 and now and I would have much rather preferred not to get married then looking back now. I have now found the man of my dreams and I am getting married this year and I will be 26. My family had A TON of issues with my then boyfriend and I got married anyway. Let me tell ya, it’s not a comfy feeling going over to visit my family knowing that they had issues with him even though I thought he was perfect. I didn’t see what everyone else saw until a few years ago and I wish I had before then :o/. 19 is a very young age to get married or be engaged. I will be 26 this year and I am so beyond happy with my fiancee that I have now and am so happy I have waited again to get married and not rushed into it. It’s totally worth it. Not saying you won’t be happy, just giving you my experience at your age in a similar situation :). Hope this helps.

Post # 10
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree that you are young, and if you feel like you NEED, for whatever reason…to get engaged now I would have a long engagement. Maybe not start planning until you have been engaged a year, and then plan if for a year to a year and a half after that. There really is no rush, Darling Husband and I were just talking 2 nights ago how not much has changed since dating to being engaged to being married. A peice of jewelry, then a peice of paper really. Obviously, we love being married and had a great wedding now are awaiting out first baby in September but at your age there really is no rush…your so young! Just take a step back and relax, if it is meant to be it will be.

Post # 11
Member
2135 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, I am not going to say that you are too young. I met Fiance when I was 17, and now we are both 21 and will be getting married this September. I know that I have matured and changed since I was 19, but Fiance and I have done that together. In my case my parents are supportive.  My mom had to sisters how got married at 18 and 19, and now 30+ years later they are both still very happily married. I don’t know what to say about your parents, but don’t let others tell you that you are to young. Only you can detirmine that!

Post # 12
Member
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It sounds like you have you mind made up so I’m not sure what advice we can offer you other than be honest with you family. Sit them down and tell them what’s going on and the plan the two of you have. If they react poorly it’s their right to but you are still an adult and can live you life how you please. 

Post # 13
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

How long do you plan to be engaged? There is a big difference between getting married at 20 and married at 23. 

My only thought is, as some previous posters have said, getting engaged is exciting, but what is the rush to get married right away. *Im a university advisor, so keep that in mind for the next few sentences*  If you have parents and you are in college than you most likely have financial aid based off of thier taxes which continues through your undergrad and insurance which you can keep until you are 25 (in the US) so long as you are in school. When you get married your Financial aid info will change and you will be a dependant of your self / your husband. This sounds all fine and well but usually it ends up hurting the student becuase they are expected to make a larger contribution as a working adult than they would be as a ‘child’ of a working adult. Also insurance. Does your Fiance have insurance at his job? becuase you are going to need it and itisn’t cheap or easy to get if you are still in college on your own. 

I don’t want to sound like I am nagging or anything like that, but I know that I was engaged from ages 19 – 21, we had many reasons we were waiting to get married and I am thankful we didn’t end up tying the knot becuase even though we had been dating for 5 years, we were totally differnt people at the end of it. 

Post # 14
Member
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

In my opinion? As a 19 year old (going to be 20 in June) I think 19 is a bit young for this commitment. When I was with my recent ex (he was 21), I made it clear I didn’t want to get married until I finished my uni and was at least in med school. Which he was ok with. But now, looking back on it, I’m glad I didn’t jump into an engagement with him – Yes, even things were fine with us until something happened and slowly everything fell into motion, and I realised how ‘messed up’ our relationship was. 

I’m not saying by any means yours is messed up, I’m just saying (as others are) what is the rush? Why hurry to get married? I can’t see the advantages, personally. It IS true, as we are so young, most of us haven’t really experienced the world enough to know what is good for us and what is bad (yes, I’ve been through some horrific things in my life, and I still think that). 

But in the end, your decision IS your decision. I think you should sit them down and be honest with them – as simple as that. It will require guts, yes. But if you think he is worth it, then you should do it. 

Post # 15
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So with all that being said, how do I tell my mother and family?

There’s no magic way of phrasing things that’s going to make this easier. If they think you’re too young, they think you’re too young. The most articulate 19 year old on the planet isn’t going to convince them otherwise.

I’m not sure what the rush is, but I do hope that you intend to finish college and that your Fiance is 100% supportive of this. And hopefully you and your Fiance have already discussed this, but if your mom is currently supporting you and you intend to go against her wishes and get married while you’re still in school, you need to figure out how you’re going to pay the bills while you finish.

Post # 16
Member
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I am 21 and engaged. Some people think even I am still too young, although I grew up a lot faster than most people do. As far as advice goes for telling your parents, you just have to do it. Definitely don’t wait to tell them, don’t hide it, just come right out with it when it happens, in an excited way, like you are supposed to! If they truly love and support you, then will be happy for you if you are happy. However, they will probably have their reservations about the whole thing. Maybe that will make them react differently, I don’t know.

If you are waiting to have sex and that is your reason to get married fast, I can say that I COMPLETELY understand how you feel. I felt the same way as well. However I can tell you one thing, if I would have gotten married when I was 19 I would already have regrets about not being able to live independently, even if just for a few months or a year! Plus the guy I was with back then sucked lol. Sex just isn’t worth the lifetime committment if you aren’t 100% ready for it. You could get engaged and have a long engagement, just to TRIPLE check that you really want to marry him. It is a really huge decision and you want to be sure! 🙂

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