(Closed) +1's for some and not others when trying to cut guest list!

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
9202 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

As a former long-term SO, I’d be kinda grouchy if my “like-family” friend invited me but not my SO (or vice versa) to her wedding… Can you give +1s to people in serious committed relationships and skip the +1s for cousins etc without SOs?  They’ll have a ton of family there anyway.

Post # 4
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldnt pick and choose like that. Just make it a blanket rule, either you are in a relationship and you get a +1, or you aren’t and you don’t. Put people who will have things in common at the same table. We had the perfect people to put at a table together and every time i peeked on them they were all laughing and hvaing a great time making friends.

Although, if there are some people who you know will feel extremely out of place, or especially single adults that don’t know anyone it’s ok to invite a +1. No one will know the difference.

Post # 5
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If you feel confident about not giving a +1 to some friends with SO’s, and then feel funny about “old friends and family”with SOs then it sounds like you already know your answer. 

Post # 6
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@virgomasala80:  take the +1’s away from family without serious SO and give it to like-family with serious SO?

Your cousins will know people there so they don’t need a random friend

Post # 7
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@virgomasala80:  take the +1’s away from family without serious SO and give it to like-family with serious SO?

Your cousins will know people there so they don’t need a random friend

Post # 8
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Why on earth do your cousins without SOs need a +1?

Post # 9
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The biggest thing that bothers me is that you are determining that just b/c someone lives together that means their relationship is more serious than someone who doesn’t, so they deserve a +1. I think you should have some other criteria by which you invite plus ones. (Many people on the bee won’t agree with these, but something like if you’ve met the SO, if you know their name, how long they’ve been together, etc.)

Post # 10
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would give +1 to people who don’t know anyone in the wedding.

Post # 11
Member
847 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

@virgomasala80:  Give the +1s to people who are in a relationship. Surely it’s better to be in the company of the nice guy your friend has started seeing than the random date of Cousin Emily?

Post # 12
Member
5002 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

My venue only hold 122 so I had to go through this. I ended up only giving +1 to people either engaged or in a very very serious relationship, but all the groomsmen and bridesmaids get a +1 regardless of their relationship status (I hope they don’t all bring someone though!!). I think that’s better than choosing some people who get to bring their long-term SO.

Post # 13
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee

@virgomasala80:  According to traditional formal etiquette, the proper thing to do is to give NOBODY a “plus one”. A proper hostess invites every single guest as her guest:by name, with an invitation sent to their own address, and with no differentiation to suggest which guests she truly wants for their own sake and which she really wants only to keep one of her “real” guests happy.

If a couple is married or engaged, and you know one member of the couple intimately enough to want that member at your wedding, then inherently you must be well acquainted with their partner. The same can be said about a common-law partner, or a permanent liaison even if they are not “officially engaged”. If you know them socially as a couple then you should invite both individuals. If they are “officially engaged” and you don’t know the other party then you either you should want to, and make an effort to, meet the other party; or you should face the fact that you aren’t truly socially connected to the first party at any but the shallowest level and forego inviting either individual. If the reason that you don’t know the partners is that these are “work friends”, then consider that they may not be friends at all, but actually “colleagues”. Collegial relationships are perfectly respectable in their own right: they don’t need to be dressed up as social relationships — and second-class social relationships at that since they lack t the social propriety of respecting other social ties.

A hostess does consider the feelings of guests who might not know other people, but not by turning her party into open date night for strangers. She can ask those single first-cousins for the name of — and even an invitation to — the insignificant Others that they would like her to invite. She can make sure that her solitary guests when they arrive are introduced to several compatible fellow-guests. She can take responsibility for designing seating plans that put compatible people together (and not just in sets of tight social pairings that eschew all outside conversations) so that people can have a pleasant evening regardless of whether they came alone or with a partner.

Post # 14
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

My Boyfriend or Best Friend have lived together 3 years and I would be pissed if one of us was invited without the other. My sister and her boyfriend have been together 10 years and do not live together and I think she would pissed pissed if one was invited without the other.

 

My point being, for your friends, if you’ve met their plus one, you should invite their plus one. Same with your cousins. Not everyone gets a plus one, doesn’t matter if they are 1st cousins or not. Your parents friend’s kids are invited?! Those are the ones I would cut. Why do the parents friends kids need to come… and they most definitely don’t get a plus one.

Post # 15
Member
1346 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@aspasia475:  

Bascially exactly what she said.

Post # 16
Member
49 posts
Newbee

I think if they’ve been with someone for a long time and/or live with them it’s only right to invite them. What were doing is if they’re with someone serious and we can put their name on the invitations then they are invited. We are not giving +1 at all. We don’t want to pay for people we don’t know or meet new people at our wedding.

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