(Closed) 1st Anniversary Gift Question

posted 1 year ago in Married Life
Post # 33
1024 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@springlilies28:  Wow, I’m sorry….what an awful update. You guys definitely need marriage counseling. I know the first year is the hardest but shouldn’t be this hard. 

Post # 34
2963 posts
Sugar bee

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@springlilies28:  I disagree with PP that the first year is the hardest. My husband and I make 3 years this month, and we haven’t had a hard year yet. I know from other posts on this site that many Bees feel the same way, and will tell you they did not have a hard first year. 

I find it concerning that your husband thinks “his way is best,” because this implies that your issues aren’t because he isn’t understanding, but rather because he doesn’t care what you want. As for your latest update, it’s awful that you’re thinking and feeling this way so early into your marriage (or at all really). Did you have any doubts prior to marriage? I doubt this is all a sudden development. 

Post # 35
1434 posts
Bumble bee

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@springlilies28:  Oh bee, it sounds like a lot is going on here. First, I will say I totally relate because my husband is not a good gift giver (he knows this, we’ve had multiple conversations about it and it has gotten better and he tries most of the time, now). It sounds like he is a guy that just benefits from a direct “this is what I want/like.” Truth be told, I bet so many men and women haven’t heard of an anniversary ring. That just isn’t where their mind goes. For this past anniversary, I was wanting an anniversary ring. But, because I know my husband and I know that 1) he’d never think to do that 2) it isn’t the kind of gift he would give 3) it is so easy to go wrong when buying jewelry, especially something that requires a proper fit – I went out and bought my own damn ring. And no shame! I wanted one, so I went out and got it. I know I can’t rely on him to get me something like that if that is what I want. There is nothing wrong with that, it just sounds like maybe you have to realize this may be a part of your relationship, too?

It also sounds like you two need to have the conversation of “this WILL NOT work for me and our relationship” when it comes to how he gives gifts. Tell him he can’t do last minute, nonchalant gifts. A small amount of effort will be required. Again, I had to have the same talk with my husband as well. Homeboy thought he could give me Christmas gifts straight out of the shipping box. We had that conversation real quick, and now I atleast get a gift in a bag which makes me happy. He needs to understand that how his family gives will not work for your relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with that, either! 

Lastly, it sounds like there is some deeper rooted issues going on with the family. In your position, I’d be resentful too towards the parents, especially the mom. But you HAVE to have these conversations with your husband directly. They can’t read minds. Open communication is key. It’s up to you to voice your feelings, not for them to try and figure it out. Best of luck to you!

Post # 36
432 posts
Helper bee

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@springlilies28:  Is this like a one bad day exasperation or do you truly feel unhappy and angry most of the time? Either way, I urge you to go to counselling together and do whatever you need to do to be happy – including leaving the marriage.

It is definitely worrying that he responded to the gift conversation by getting mad and sulking. That kind of response needs to change for sure if you’re going to have a good partnership. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but he sounds like he hasn’t grown up.

Post # 37
4023 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@springlilies28:  DH and I have had our fair share of disappointments because, for all of the wonderful, wonderful things about him, he’s a lousy gift giver. I say that with absolute love – he’s trash at it. I can drop nuke sized hints and he still won’t pick up on them. My birthday was last month and we are expecting a baby December/January. DH called me while running an errand and said, “When is the baby going to be born?” And I was like, “Bro, how should I know? If I knew that, I’d play the lottery.” Turns out, he wanted to get me a birthstone necklace/ring to commemorate our daughter. Very sweet gesture, but he forgot that I had a designer picked out for a custom ring AFTER she was born so we 100% knew her birthstone. I could tell he was completely lost as to what to get me this year and told him not to worry about it. 

For us, it was all about mitigating expectations. I would love to be surprised on my birthday, anniversary, or Christmas, but it just isn’t his strength. He excels in so many other aspects that not plucking the perfect gift out of my head is something I decided not to get hung up on. I am an impeccable gift giver. If you mention you want/need something six months ago, I will remember. I enjoy giving thoughtful gifts. DH frequently says there’s no competing with me because I will literally hunt down his lost childhood teddy bear.

Have you thought about being more direct? Showing him a link or an item and bluntly saying, “This is the exact ring I want for our anniversary and that is all I want?” Have you thought about making a wish list? I have a running list on both Amazon and Pinterest and at Christmas, I send the link to DH and he typically buys everything on the list. So, to an extent, I always know what I’m receiving, but at least I’m happy with it! This year for my birthday, it was more of a “the whole weekend’s on me” type of thing where he paid for our socially distanced activities, etc. 

I know you say you don’t want to return things, but perhaps that’s how it will be until he gets the hint. Regardless, a firm conversation with him would not be out of line. I tell my husband all the type that when/if I am upset regarding gifts, it is NEVER to do with the cost, but the thought behind it. Being surprised with a gift that you love means your partner listened to you, knew your wants/needs, picked it out with love. 

Post # 38
564 posts
Busy bee

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@springlilies28:  Yikes… sorry bee, that does not sound normal, was the gift thing the final straw? After your update it’s pretty clear that there are a lot more issues here than the gifts.

If I were in your shoes I’d probably give couples counseling a shot, I wouldn’t just throw in the towel a year after marriage but it’s kind of sounding like you guys aren’t compatible…

When he said your year of marriage has been a nightmare, did you respond or try to talk to him about his feelings?

Post # 39
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2022

Some guys are very clueless when it comes to reading between lines. The dont know how to communicate it. This may be his case. My SO and I are open with communication hes an ultra sweetheart and gentleman but he aways tell me to be 100% vocal about gifts. He literally wants me to tell him exactly what it is and exactly when lol.

maybe your husband needs the hand held too until he gains more experience to just know. Dont waste time nudging or not being open. He probably doesn’t know how to tell you

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