(Closed) 1st cousins over 18 not invited to wedding

posted 11 years ago in Reception
Post # 32
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree that you don’t mention how the sons/cousins feel about the situation.  I am sorry but as a 18/21 year old guy I am not sure their top interest would be attending a wedding.  I would guess that if you told them the story they weren’t even hurt and would understand.  Also, do your sons even have a close relationship with the bride?  I have 15 cousins on one side and that is just a lot to be really “close” to. 

Also, I do not understand why you do not feel that you can leave your two adult sons at home while you attend the wedding.  Again, they should totally understand and as a life lesson learn to appreciate the cost of a wedding by not attending. 

Post # 33
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee

@rainbow…I am (and she invited a second cousin as well).  It more had to do with the relationship with our parents (who are brother and sister).  

But in the end, no matter how slighted I felt, I didn’t say anything.  And my mom knew better than to question the invitation.  People do what they want/need to do to make their wedding/party.life work.  How you choose to respond shows everything about your grace and character.

Post # 34
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee

Oh and one more thing, I think you toe a really difficult line when you selectively choose which cousins/aunts/friend’s children to invite.  The OP situation seems to imply that the bride made one bright line rule.  When you start slicing the rule a little more thinly, it can make for hurt feelings.  Rainbow, I am not saying that you have to invite your cousin who you have never spoken to because her dad ran away to the circus in Lebanon when your mom was 2.  I am saying you may need to be prepared for hurt feelings when you seemingly arbitrarily exclude family members at the same level. Things look a lot different from the outside than they do from a bride’s perspective.  That being said, guests, keep your mouth shut.

(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT KNOW RAINBOW AND I DON’T THINK/HOPE HER UNCLE RAN AWAY TO THE CIRCUS. lol.)

Post # 35
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

I can understand that you’re hurt that your sons were not included.  Would your feelings have been different if your sons were under 18 and your niece decided that no cousins under the age of 18 were invited for budgetary reasons?

You are perfectly right to decline the invitation.  I’m sure you’ll tell other family members that you declined as they may wonder why you declined.  I think it may send a message to the rest of your family that you may not want.

Nevertheless, I have another question for you:  do you plan to attend the family celebration dinner that they plan for the entire family at a later date?  If so, then tell her you’re looking forward to attending that event.  Otherwise, hard feelings will continue to break bridges.

Post # 36
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

Yes, the invitation was worded correctly. It sounds like the couple has what most people these days do–a budget. Not to mention an idea of what their special day will look like. If she didn’t care at all, she wouldn’t even be hosting something that everyone could come to. Who is anyone to decide who is and isn’t on the guest list of someone else’s event? Just because two people aren’t going doesn’t mean there are “extra seats” either and if there are, what makes your situation so special that YOU should get them?

@Dande, please read carefully. Also, please be careful throwing around the word “tacky” as everything is tacky to someone.

Post # 37
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010 - Philippe Park

@heather25: Honestly the decision wasn’t difficult for me. I couldn’t draw a line in the sand and say “no cousins” because I am very very close to some of my cousins, in fact, the ones that I am inviting were integral in Mr. Rainbow and I getting together to begin with.

Not inviting them would be like not inviting my best friends just because I couldn’t invite my acquaintances- it makes no sense to me.

I’m fully prepared to deal with hurt feelings, althought I doubt there will be any. For the most part, the cousins that I am excluding are already married. We aren’t close- they didn’t invite me to their wedding, I didn’t even know when they got married, I don’t know their spouses, etc. 

Why should I invite them to my wedding? The way I see it, I wasn’t offended (nor did I even notice, honestly) that I did’t recieve an invitation, and I expect they will feel the same way. I guess my family just isn’t uptight like that (not to say that yours is).

I’ve been on the “outside” and I’m now a bride, I can, and have, seen it both ways. 

Post # 38
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I can’t believe you actually responded ‘0’ will be attending after she sent you that note explaining the situation in such detail. She and her fiance made a decision regarding their guest list.  It’s not your perogitive to question it.  What’s so bad about going to her wedding without your sons?  Sounds like more fun if you ask me.  I think she handled it well, especailly with that follow up note…

Post # 39
Member
1963 posts
Buzzing bee

Again, its a family by family decision…but the OP was hurt.  I don’t know if she thought that her entire family was closer to the bride than they actually are.  That was the case in my family, and I believe it is the case in many families who go through a similar situation.  Just because you aren’t offended (and I hesitate to use that word because to me offense connotes like there is some sort of set etiquette) or hurt, doesn’t mean your hypothetical sister or cousin wouldn’t be by the same behavior. Just my perspective to brides who are making a similar decision.

Post # 40
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

I kind of feel bad for the OP. She hasn’t replied and probably won’t. She was just saying she was upset, but I can see where you guys are coming from as well. I hate threads that can get mean sometimes. I do agree that she handled it badly, but I still see both sides.

Post # 41
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

OP: Sorry you were hurt.  The invitation was absolutely addressed correctly, and I would imagine you’d be even more upset if you recieved an invitation that said “Aunt and Uncle (but absolutely not Cousin1 or Cousin2).”  She was perfectly clear, and I’m sorry you misunderstood and were hurt.

I had a somewhat similar situation unfold while planning my wedding.  One of my dad’s cousins emailed my mom about how she, her two adult children, their spouses, and two of her siblings (plus their spouses) were so excited to come to my wedding.  That’s right.  I invited one second cousin and her husband.  She, in turn, invited 8 others.  We explained the situation, and she ultimately decided not to come.  I was a little sad, but I’m glad she decided  not to come rather than coming with a chip on her shoulder.  

Post # 42
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Some brides and grooms just have to draw the line somewhere. We decided to only invite guests that are over 16 years old, because there are just too many younger cousins. We can’t afford to invite all those people. We thought long and hard and chose 16 as a cut off age. And there are families who have children under and over 16…and yeah that means that their oldest children will be invited but not the younger ones. We can’t make special exceptions for certain people. We aren’t doing it to be rude, and it isn’t because we dislike these people.

Post # 43
Member
1479 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I think it’s too bad that you are not attending your niece’s wedding because your grown sons were excluded.  I think in the end you may regret not attending this special day because of a decision that the bride made that, to be perfectly honest, sounds quite fair.  She made the type of decision that most of us brides have to make when we make our guest lists- for example, Fiance and I are not allowing children (minus the 7 brand new infants that cannot be left at home) because it would have added an additional 35 people to our guest list, and we simply do not have a budget for 35 children’s meals and 5 extra tables/centerpieces, etc.  We are not allowing dates for all of our single friends, even wedding party, because it is costing us over $100/person for our wedding. 

At the end of the day, it is not up to you to dictate who is invited, nor really fair of you to pout because your grown children were not included (I’m sorry, but I consider not attending because you don’t like the bride’s decision pouting). 

Post # 44
Member
36 posts
Newbee

I agree that it is unfortunate that you are not attending your niece’s wedding because of what you consider a slight to your family.  Weddings are very expensive as many posters mentioned.  Depending on where you live food and beverage costs can range from 50 to 250+ per person.  For a family of 4 to attend my wedding it will cost $1000.  Brides and grooms have to make hard decisions regarding whom to invite and it is rude to beg for addition invitations.

Post # 45
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Dear hurtoverweddingplans,

try to get into her shoes. A young couple who can’t afford to invite everybody under the sun. Then imagine a relative you struggled to include who pulls out of the wedding because her son isn’t invited. Who is the more immature of the two?

It’s her money, right?

You didn’t say whether she and your sons have ever been close. Because if they haven’t, what’s the point of all the “hurt”?

Is it really worth hurting this chick over this? Think about it, please.

Post # 46
Member
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

You are the type of person who we as brides dread. 

A wedding day is the celebration of the BRIDE and the GROOM.  Did you see AUNT, UNCLE, or COUSIN in that statement?

People over the age of 18 are only not invited for one reason – MONEY.  If the bride and the groom cannot afford to invite everyone, they chose who they are closest to and they chose you and your husband. 

The fact that you are refusing to celebrate THEIR day because you are unhappy with THEIR choice means that you are a very selfish to turn this around and make this day about your family.

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