1st post, hello, approaching 3 years

posted 4 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2162 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

I think you should propose to him. 

Post # 3
Member
5924 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Have you ever spoken about the logistics of moving in together, post engagement? How would that look? Would you need to purchase a home together, or would one of you sell yours? If so, who would sell? Would you be on a joint house deed? How long would he want to be engaged? How would your children react to moving in together, having the other child in their space 24/7? Does he have his daughter full time? Is your child with you full time? Would one of the children have to change schools? Any spousal support being paid? Is he ready and willing to be married again? For many people living apart while raising their children, but identifying as a couple is enough. He may love you and at the same time not want to marry again, so soon. Time to have some serious talks about your future. 

Post # 4
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Yup, time for a direct, serious discussion and do NOT take “it’ll happen, don’t worry” as an answer. 

Lay out your ideal timeline and tell him you need to hear his.  Be willing to compromise but don’t let him off with vague promises and excuses. 

At his age he needs to be able to have an adult conversation about your shared future.  If he can’t do that then is he really the one for you?

Post # 9
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

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@mehthewaiting:  from your OP it doesn’t sound like those conversations have happened at all. 

An adult conversation about your shared future would include not just the end goal of marriage but also a timeline and the concrete steps that will be taken along the way to reach your goal. 

It is NOT “hey SO, I really want to marry you”  “yeah, I want to marry you too.  Don’t worry about it”

Considering where you both are in your lives with previous marriages and children from those relationships, it is critical that the two of you have equal say in how and when your relationship progresses.  You don’t have just yourselves to consider, and as a mother you cannot afford to just wait and see what he wants to do whenever he gets around to it. 

Have the direct conversation.  Ask him about his timeline.  Find out exactly where his head is at about marriage.  Because his “it’ll happen” in his mind might just mean it’ll happen when his 8 year old daughter goes off to college. 

Post # 10
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I’ll piggyback on the pp’s timeline comments and add that you need to determine just how much longer you’re willing to wait for a proposal and also determine what your dealbreakers are.  If he isn’t ready within your time frame what are you going to do?  Will you be content without marriage?  What happens if he gives you vague answers like “someday/oneday”, which are really stall tactics but are used because we allow them to work.  You’ve got some further thinking to do bee.  Knowing what your limits are will help you determine if it’s worth staying in the relationship.

The key here is knowing exactly what you want, expressing it and not backing down because of fear.  This is a reasonable standard you are setting.  Waffling only sends the message that you’re not really serious and he can kick things down the road a bit more if he comes up with the right excuse.

Post # 11
Member
1911 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@Goirishgrl:  This 100%. This is all way too vague

OP you have no idea how long you will be waiting for and a vague “don’t worry it’ll happen” isn’t good enough 3 years in. Why not tell him when you would prefer to get married and work back from there to reach an ideal timeline for engagement?

Just because you don’t have a biological clock doesn’t mean you should have to sit around waiting on him indefinitely. If you’re worried he doesn’t have a plan then talk to him! Dont just wait and wonder. That will get old very fast and you will get resentful.

It’s also a red flag that he broke up with you. You say he returned to you a “changed man” but i dont understand that…changed from what?? He said he didn’t know what he wanted and his daughter had jealousy issues. How old is the daughter? And did he actually work through that with his daughter or did he just assume she’d get over it? Has that truly been addressed? Do you have a good relationship with her now? How has he helped you build the relationship?

It shouldn’t take a breakup for a man in his late thirties to figure out what he wants and it’s unfortunate that he let his daughter’s feelings influence his decision to be with you. 

Idk, bee. I think you need to take some initiative here because if you just sit on your hands waiting for him to take action, you could be waiting a long time. I also hope that he worked through everything with his daughter and that you have a positive, healthy relationship

Post # 12
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

You need to make it clear you are unhappy with the status quo though you guys have talked about a lot of logistics. Ask for the next steps and when those should happen. Most women I know are more eager to get married than men, and privately they have all told me they had to made it really clear that things weren’t working for them in order to get their comfortable SO to understand that they were unhappy and things needed to pick up. My husband admits to me he needed a kick to the butt. If you have a good relationship, don’t be shy about making your needs known.

 

Post # 13
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee

I have a different question. Why do you want to get married? Combining households is not an easy thing when you each have a child. How would he be as a stepparent? How do you feel about being a stepmother? People often have very different parenting philosophies. What about the exes? Contentious or cooperattive? Do you have the same ideas about combining finances?  I say alll of this because second marriages are much more complicated than first marriages. Havng separate space is not always a bad thing. You can still be a couple. Have you considered seeing a counselor together? Not because you have problems but because there are a lot of decisions to make beacause you each have children. You also seem to have different ideas about what level of commitment you want to make right now. All people going into second marriages have some baggage from the past. It wouldn’t hurt to explore it more before you make another commitment.. 

Post # 14
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2020

You need to sit and have a talk with him and calmy but firmly ask him and get a serious plan set out to move forward in the relationship. I agree with the other person that said “it will happen” is not good enough. Although more kids are not wanted so that isnt a factor, you are both grown adults that have been married before so he should know by now whether or not he’s ready to move forward

Post # 15
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Could you ask, “hey babe, is there a reason you haven’t proposed yet?” Then you’ll get your answer.

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