(Closed) 2.5 years and no proposal yet- Although he's in his early 30ies

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Everyone has a different timeline for marriage. However, his answers suggest that he doesn’t really want to get married, but you do. That would be concerning, and I would think twice about moving with him or buying a house. Even if you give him an ultimatum, his inclination is to not get married. I wouldn’t be excited about a proposal that I had to drag out of someone.

Post # 3
Member
1540 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I have a friend who’s Fiance proposed after 5 years when they were both 31, and 1.5 years after they moved to a different country together. He also didn’t really like talking about marriage. Whenever she’d bring it up, he’d tell her to calm down and wouldn’t talk about it. This really upset her, but now they’re getting married in August.

My Fiance was also vague when it came to a timeframe about getting engaged because he wanted it to be a surprise.

I’d say give it until your birthday. If you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy, you need to have open conversations about where your future is going. I was with Fiance for 6 years before a proposal and it’ll be 8 years before we get married……but for years leading up to getting engaged, I knew marriage was going to be in our future because he was very clear about his intentions. So talk to him….make sure he’s on the same page as you, if he wants marriage or not,  and if he isn’t you need to figure out if you’d want to be with a guy who doesn’t want to get married.

Post # 4
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sounds like before you had the last conversation he hadn’t realised marriage was so important to you. Given it’s only been a few months since then I wouldn’t worry too much that he hasn’t proposed yet as he’s probably still getting his head around things. 

However, given it has been a few months and you are moving and considering buying a place together, I would bring the topic up again soon (maybe after your birthday in case he is planning something) and get a better idea of whether you are on the same page or not in terms of expectations. 

It is concerning he doesn’t see the value of marriage so you do need to think about whether or not you want to marry someone who has different values to you in that area. 

Post # 5
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee

I wouls wait until your birthday and if he doesn’t propose, the next day I would sit him down and bluntly ask him about marriage. I would tell him I want a proposal by ____ date, you need solid answers so set a date. Remind him you will not put money down on a house or start having children until you are married!

Post # 6
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I was in your exact same shoes. I would wait till he propose to start looking at houses together. To know for sure he is really in it for the long run. My fiance proposed to me a little over 3 years of dating, so give it a little time for him to think, especially you two have been talking about marriage recently. Just stand your ground with him that you will not look at houses together until you know for sure he wants to settle down with you.

Post # 7
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I wouldn’t move to be with him and I certainly wouldn’t buy a house with him if I weren’t engaged. You can’t control his behavior you can only control your own. Hoping that he asks.you to marry him hasn’t been working out very well for you. He would probably be quite content to continue the way things are for years. Just look at some.of the posts on this site. It’s a ridiculously common theme. Why not consider sitting him down to an adult conversation about your future? Tell him that you do not want to uproot your life and commit large sums of money without commitment on his end as well. This is not an ultimatum, so no one needs to get their panties in a wad. This is simply you stating your boundaries and being true to yourself instead of blindly following your bf and letting him call the shots. Hoping that this guy suddenly wants to marry you based on some things he has said is not a plan. Words are cheap and easy to say; it’s actions that that truly speak our intentions. 

Post # 8
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

sapphire88:  I can see why you are upset. I just think that pressurising your SO might make him more hesitant to propose to you. I used to nag at mine all the time and got really disheartened too but he said it’ll happen within the 5 years together. We finally got engaged after nearly 4 years together and are getting married in June, just a couple of months shy of our 5th anniversary. Some of my friends got engaged well before me even though they haven’t been with their SOs very long but every relationship is different. Some bees had to wait a decade, some only a year but at the end if the day your SO needs to be ready to settle down. Isn’t it better to wait until he’s 100% ready than make him marry you when he might feel resentful for not getting enough time to contemplate marriage? Maybe he wants to travel a bit more or experience new things before you have kids, etc? I’ll be 30, SO nearly 33 when we tie the knot so it’s never to late! Good luck x

Post # 9
Member
5846 posts
Bee Keeper

sapphire88:  Saying that he doesn’t see the point of getting married these days isn’t something you should be telling someone after 2.5 years together (especially when he’s initiated talk on having kids), if this is how he feels he should have told you much sooner. Granted he doesn’t seem anti marriage, more like he already considers you guys in a committed union. But you should be planning a future openly together, not having to wait in limbo for a ‘surprise’. I would be hesitant to buy a house with someone I wasnt at least engaged to.

 

Post # 10
Member
9589 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

sapphire88:  I would put my foot down about buying a house together unmarried. Or at least you need to insist on being engaged with a date set. No way should you be letting that happen!

Post # 11
Member
2748 posts
Sugar bee

There’s no way I’d be buying a house with a guy without a ring on my finger and a date for our wedding.

Post # 12
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Personally, I wouldn’t have bought a house with him if I weren’t engaged with a set date. I’ve seen this backfire on so many couples. Darling Husband and I were together 5 years before he proposed (he’s 33). We finished grad school in different states so did LDR for a while. So worth it. We did end up moving to the same area, but didn’t live together right away. We lived together one year before we were married and we have a townhome. Together we are saving to purchase a house in the not-so-distant-future. 

Post # 13
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

For some people marriage isn’t the important part, having a healthy relationship is the important part. But you should be able to openly communicate with him that marriage is a Big Deal for you and something that you really want. Talk about a timeline.

But if you’re sure this is who you want to be with regardless of whether or not you have a legal document involved, then perhaps it’s best to just sit back, relax, and enjoy life, letting marriage happen when it happens.

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