Post # 1
So I’m not really asking for advice – just wondering if anyone else had a similar experience.
I live over a thousands miles from where I grew up and because of that, we knew going in a lot of my family would not be able to make it to the wedding (Canada does not have discount airlines like the Us does). However, I went ahead and asked the three girls I have known and loved since forever to be in my wedding party from back home. One as a Maid/Matron of Honor and two as BM’s. They said yes last December. Flash forward thru the last year and I practically got nothing back from the two BM’s when emailing about the wedding. I bent over backwards to show them good airfares and did a heck of a lot in my wedding in an effort to make their exerpience good and as cheap as possible.
Now, my Maid/Matron of Honor, she has her shit in a basket. Shes a teacher, married to a semi famous musican and the rest of her ducks are lined up at attention. My two at home BM’s however – I’ve known forever that getting them to get their shit straight would be like herding cats. Neither works what one would call a stable job and while I love them nearly, neither is exactly living up to (what I think is) their potential. This is why I did my best to make things as inexpensive for them as possible. Still tho, they happily accepted my invitation to be in my wedding party.
Since I got almost no hope or interest from them wrt the wedding, I’ve been getting stressed out the last month or so. I mean, the wedding is in April and I knew nothing about when they were coming, where they were staying etc etc etc. So I finally sent (yet another) email almost point blank asking them whats up. I got two replies. Both saying financially, they couldn’t make it to the wedding. 4 months out from the wedding.
I cried. I cried more. I cried till it got ugly.
Then I realized – now almost 75% of the stress I had been experiencing was gone. Love them, I do. But now they have made the decision not to attend and it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. In their place, I asked my fiancees sister to be in the wedding (she happily accepted and understood how upset I must feel) and I’m about to ask a close friend that I was SO close to asking in the first place. HER fiancee is MY fiancee’s best man. Almost a perfect fit and I am pretty sure she will say yes since there is practically no cost to the wedding party (aren’t I great?).
So this is where I am. Two new BM’s (hopefully) – everyone has their little ducks in the process of lining up. What was for a bit the saddest experience in this process has become a huge twist of fate that seems to be releasing me of a lot of stress.
Anyone else experience something like this?
Post # 2
Oh geez! People suck sometimes, but they more than likely really couldn’t afford it, I doubt it was a slight against you or something similar (or at least I hope). I also hope your fiance’s sister doesn’t think the only reason you asked her was because the other people dropped out (?). I had two bridesmaids drop out as well (when I had a wedding party, long story short we moved the wedding and disbanded the groomsmen/bridesmaids). Even when you try hard to make it free or as close to free as you can it still costs them time and money to attend (plus gifts, which aren’t required but you know what I mean), which is hard but thats just how it is.
Post # 3
I’m in the situation where I have had to hold off on asking someone to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
6 months prior to my wedding I decided that I was ready to ask 2 longtime friends. I asked 1 friend who said yes. The other friend was getting married herself and so was distracted with her own wedding. When I got around to having a heart to heart conversation with her when she got back from her honeymoon, now 5 months prior to my wedding, she disclosed that she still didn’t know her work schedule for April and whether she’ll even be in the country. The next I see her will be 4 months prior to my wedding and so, like you, my bridal party is still not 100% nailed down.
For me, I am a person who is comfortable with uncertainty and so I’m not crazy about the situation. However things work out, they work out. Maybe I’ll have 2 BMs, maybe I’ll have 1 or maybe I’ll have none. My Fiance and I will still be at the wedding, that’s what counts.
Post # 4
MrsTywinLannister: The sister is fine. She gets is (as she was married a few years ago). What are family for, right? If I had a sister, I would have asked her. I’m gonna try to make it sound like the other friend isn’t just a replacement – which shes not. She was honestly the very next person I wanted in the party, but I also wanted equal numbers on each side and the Fiance party topped out at 4, so I was stuck at 4 (self-imposed, I know). Shes also getting married in June so I’m sure seeing the behind the scenes action will be good for her. Plus, shes lovely. 🙂
Post # 5
jamb: I’m a planner – type A all the way, so this is/was killing me. I’m actually really happy its worked out this way. I know my friends aren’t doing this to slight me – but I was a little pissed. They knew for a year! Had I been in that situation (and I have been) – I would have squirrled away a small amount of cash every so often to help offset the cost. But whatev. Whats done is done. 🙂
Post # 6
WanderingAlbertan: Ugh! If they had told you from the beginning, I could understand
If they approached you before hand and voice an issue, I could understand
BUT this, I cannot understand
Sorry that’s happened! People are a**holes and tehy really are selfish. Good luck with the wedding..
Post # 7
MeandMyLouboutins: I don’t think they are selfish. They really aren’t the type to get their shit together. And frankly, I’ve been sort of expecting this for a few months. So while it sucked and I cried, it wasn’t a shock. Personally, I can’t imagine missing one of their weddings. But it is what it is.
I actually had the realization that they are becoming more a part of my past then my present, as sad as that is. Living away from my home town for the last 10-12 years makes you drift away from people and sadly, I think part of that has come into play here.
Between you and me (and all of the Wedding Bee) I’m gonna have an amazingly beautiful wedding party now. 😉
Post # 8
WanderingAlbertan: well they are your friends so you know them best for sure
I personally think it’s selfish to make a promise to someone and then just back out (I don’t know what else to call that)… but different strokes for different folks
Post # 9
MeandMyLouboutins: I’d have to be missing 2 arms and a leg before I could back out on something like this – so I get your sentiment. I’m that girl who will put myself through agony before I bail on someone for anything. So this bothered/bothers me to NO end. Maybe I’m just fooling myself when I say I don’t think they are being selfish. I’d like to hope they aren’t, at least. But I also believe things happen for a reason. . . . maybe theres a huge Xmas gift in it for me somewhere…
Post # 10
WanderingAlbertan: Yup. VERY similar. Except I had my Maid/Matron of Honor back out a week ago, and my wedding is NEXT MONTH! lol…
Like you though, huge stress relief! I asked another friend to be in our wedding and she gladly accepted. So far so good! I’m not crazy about the money I’ve lost on personalized gifts and whatnot… but really this has been good for us.
I also had another Bridesmaid or Best Man back out in June, she pressured me to be in the wedding then started acting distant when it came to buy the dresses, then she finally told me she couldn’t afford to be in it/didn’t have time. I’m happy she was honest with me, just wish she told me sooner, but such is life.
It will all work out, and everything will be perfect (meaning we will marry the loves of our lives) haha.
Post # 11
WanderingAlbertan: I haven’t been in your situation, but I have been in your BM’s situation. Unfortunately, it didn’t end well for anyone concerned.
I was living overseas for the past five years, and I was in college when my brother and SIL got engaged. They had been together forever and I knew it was coming, therefore, BEFORE my SIL could ask me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, I told her the truth – I would be in Ireland and I probably wouldn’t be able to afford the trip home for the wedding. My parents all made me agree to it, because it was my brother’s wedding. I did. Unfortunately, about 5 months before the wedding, I knew I probably wasn’t going to be able to swing it, so I told her. She was mad at me for 3 years. My brother understood, since I was barely able to get food on my table and my rent paid. I feel horrible to this day. In fact, I still cry about it and I am crying as I write this. I love my brother more than life itself and although I am not the biggest fan of my SIL, I love her too. Backing out of the wedding, wasn’t something I did to be selfish. It was something I had to do.
If I were in your shoes, I would be upset. I would be angry and I would cry. Having a Bridesmaid or Best Man bail SUCKS. Unfortunately, sometimes things happen and there isn’t a lot to do about it. Unless they have a really bad reason for not being in the wedding (as in you KNOW they would have enough money if they would just stop buying that expensive wine for a month), forgive them. Rant and Rave for a few weeks, get your tears cried out, figure out the details, and try to forgive them if you at all can. Chances are, they aren’t trying to be Witches or selfish. And 10-1 says they are feeling horrible about it.
Post # 12
I think it’s really uncool for someone to back out on a commitment. But I think it’s also really unrealistic to think that someone who doesn’t have their shit together and who has never had their shit together would magically get their shit together just because of your wedding. OP I hate to say it but you kind of set yourself up for failure here. Hopefully others will see your story and have a good think over their choice of bridal party members. If someone has historically not managed to have two nickles to rub together, they’re probably not going to have the money to pay for flights, hotels, bridesmaid dresses and the whole shebang, no matter how much advance notice you give them. Pick people who have a history of being able to cover these (sometimes significant) expenses or plan to cover them yourself. No one is going to change who they are just because you’re having a wedding unfortunately. And even someone with the best of intentions might have a hard time coming up with the huge chunk of extra cash needed to take a flight, spring for a hotel, feed yourself and buy an expensive dress… all for someone else’s day.
That said, I think you also need to cut these girls about 8 acres of slack because what you asked for is really a significant chunk of money and not everyone has those kinds of financial resources. Not saying you have to un-un-invite them. Just saying try to be understanding. All those expenses have got to come to $1500 or $2000 by the time all is said and done. That’s not a small favor you’re asking for.
Post # 13
winterwoodlandbride15: How is it that we can have our ducks in a row and no one else!!! 🙂
So glad to hear I’m not the only one who experiences this. Damn, tho it sucks. And wow, if my Maid/Matron of Honor backed out with a month to go… I think I’d grow a few more grey hairs before the wedding!
Come on, people! Lets get it together!!! 😉
Post # 14
I’m glad everything worked out for you, but sheesh you seem quite judgmental about them. Because they aren’t married to someone ‘semi-famous’ their little duckies aren’t lined up straight enough for you? At least they told you four months out and not four weeks. A thousand mile destination wedding is no drop in the bucket even if the girls are single and you’ve given them plenty of notice. Destination weddings are expensive period. Does it suck that they initially said they could then backed out? Hell, yes. But they may not have realized what a good chunk of money it turned out to be. What is cheap for you may not be cheap for them. And bridal party members shouldn’t have to slave away at their jobs to save money monthly so you can have all of your little duckies in a row. But I’m glad you found someone who will fill in. You sound more upset that they weren’t fitting the pretty little perfect picture you want you wedding to be rather than the fact that two good friends won’t be there to share the joy with you. But if that’s what’s more important, rock on.
Post # 15
Horseradish: I know. I totally saw this coming almost from day one but had a hard time admitting it myself. I did this to myself – because I love them. I totally am not upset with them and have explained that we’re all good. It doesn’t change how I felt when I found out and how privately annoyed I am. But its not worth ruining a friendship that has been around since grade 7. I know that. And this is probably for the best. The stress has already begun to melt away because I’m no longer worrying about when they will get here and if I’ll be bankrupting them in the process.
You know how we all hold other people to our own standards – thats a little how I’m feeling at the moment. As my new motto says “This too shall pass…”