(Closed) 2 Ceremonies – 1 Dilemma

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee

@DulceAmor:  OK this is getting complicated lol..I would just call them both wedding ceremonies. I hope other bees can offer some suggestions…..

Post # 4
Hostess
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I would call the first ceremony a “wedding blessing” and the second a “wedding celebration.” Calling either a ceremony may make the other one seem less special. 

Post # 5
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

Why can’t you just have the religious ceremony in the morning, but not sign the register? You would then be spiritually married in the morning, and legally married a little later on, in your second ceremony. We had friends who did this in reverse: they had the legal signing of the register in the morning, with only a few guests, and then they had the wedding in the afternoon, because their church was not licensed for weddings.

They didn’t tell anyone that they didn’t have to that they had already signed the register, though. As far as everyone else knew, the church wedding was the legal wedding as well.

Post # 6
Member
11420 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Since it is only your FI’s mother and sister who are unable to attend your wedding, would you consider having the unofficial exchange of vows in the morning just for them and anyone else you and they may wish to have present for that, and invite everyone else to your official wedding in the afternoon? That way, you would be deceiving no one and the vast majority of your guests would actually witness your marriage.

Post # 7
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

What @Brielle:  says. 

I personally don’t understand how mom and sister seeing you exchange “fake” vows is meaninful.  But I don’t have to.

I think you are best to have a majority of your guests witness the real deal, and just do something private (or nothing at all) for mom and sister.  Are they even allowed to witness a ceremony from outside of their religion?  Or does the prohibition only extend to being inside the church building?

 

Post # 8
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Most people dont care if it’s the “real” cermony or not. We did it in reverse– we had the wedding on one day (not legal) and on our honeymoon we had our marriage ceremony (legal). Many people knew the wedding wasn’t legal, but it didn’t matter to them. Quit stressing about what to call it!

Post # 9
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@DulceAmor:  Do whatever you want! Its your celebration, and people should be happy for you and happy to be invited. Don’t overthink it 🙂

That being said, we had a wedding in January in FIs country. For a whole bunch of legal and spiritual reasons I won’t get into here, we aren’t legally married. We called that a “commitment ceremony” with the minister. I think people here might be used to that, since if you want to get married in a NON-Catholic church here, it isn’t a legal marriage (you still have to go to a lawyer after and exchange vows/sign papers), but whatever. Our invites for our legal wedding in my country say “marriage.”

Post # 10
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@andielovesj:  If you mean them, the vows aren’t fake. I think that’s harsh. They just aren’t legally binding in such-and-such place. A commitment is a commitment… legal or otherwise.

Post # 11
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@lanalnoco:  She’s like this with anything on this type of subject, so I wouldn’t bother trying to convince her otherwise.  I do agree with you though.

 

@DulceAmor:  I think you are overthinking it tbh.  I had my 2 ceremonies on completely different days, but it didn’t make either of them less special or less important in my mind.  The legal wedding was important because well.. it was the legally official one!  The 2nd ceremony 6 months later, was just as important to me because all of our friends and families were there to help us celebrate.  Everyone at my wedding knew that I was already married, and it didn’t matter one iota to them.  They were all happy to be a part of a special day for my husband and I!

Post # 12
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@dodgercpkl:  We did the same as you (ceremonies 6 months apart) but in reverse (non-legal, then legal). Same result- no one cares what’s what- just as long as they get to see you two celebrate your love! People who actually care about you are really supportive like that :o)

Post # 15
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It just occured to me that graduation ceremonies are like this sometimes.  In some cases the person who is doing the graduation ceremony doesn’t really know if they have graduated yet but does the ceremony anyway waiting to get the piece of paper.  

In other cases the person does the ceremony earlier and finishes up classes that summer or the semester after and then they are done, and set to get their piece of paper to state that they have “officially graduated.”  And in other cases the person “officially graduated” the semester before but had to wait another semester to do the ceremony.

None of these celebrations are considered fake because the piece of paper wasn’t handed to the person then and there.  And everyone is happy for you.  

My guy and I got married legally for many reasons, everyone knows and is just happy to have a big party.  It will nice to celebrate with family and friends and to do vows and what not.  I guess in our case it is slighty different because we we’re able to marry ourselves so we didn’t have an officiant or anything.  We just walked in and signed paperwork, so it really feels like we took care of the legal stuff first and we will get our celebration/ceremony later with friends and family.  I say do what you want OP.

Post # 16
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

@Brielle:  @andielovesj:  This really depends on how you think of marriage, and what you think marriage is. If marriage is the signing of the register to you, and she signs it in the afternoon, then she’ll be married in the afternoon, in your opinion. But I really think the answer is to realise that marriage means different things to different people, and it’s a bit unfair to call her second ceremony fake. For example, if I were to sign my legal papers in the morning, but I wouldn’t be able to have my church ceremony until the afternoon, I would consider myself to be married in the afternoon because, to me, legal marriage is just a piece of paper.

@DulceAmor:  My friends just had one invitation to the religious (second) ceremony and the reception. The small group who attended the legal ceremony were invited by word of mouth. There were only about 10 people there. I don’t see why you couldn’t have a non-legally binding religious ceremony… ask the priest and explain the situation. If not, why don’t you do a Quaker marriage certificate signing during your afternoon ceremony? You can sign something that way, so it feels “formal” for your guests, and it is also a nice way to involve your relatives.

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