Post # 1
Backstory – my mom and stepdad had an affair a little over 20 years ago. My stepdad and biodad had been friends, obviously this ended the friendshipship. At some point, my biodad threatened to kill my stepdad. Mom and biodad divorced, mom and stepdad got married, stepdad’s job moved us 4 hours away. Biodad pulled away from my brother and me at that point – paid child support when he felt like it, didn’t exercise full visitation, didn’t keep up some of his other responsibilities. Biodad got remarried to a woman who hated us and encouraged him to keep his distance. Mom continually played the victim in the whole situation and turned it all around on him to try make us hate him (she still refuses to admit the affair, even though I’m 25 years old and have known for awhile). Emotional manipulation all around. Stepdad always picked up the pieces and has been a great dad – supported me (financially and emotionally) through single motherhood, grad school, everything. Biodad didn’t. The water is mostly under the bridge now that I’ve had my daughter. Even though biodad was fairly distant, he has tried to be more involved for his grandchild.
Now I’m getting married. Biodad has never met FI – even though we only live 3 hours away and they travel to see his wife’s grandchildren and to their ranch on the other side of the country. They’ve only visited me once in the 5 years I’ve lived here, and tha was when I had my daughter and nearly died giving birth. Stepdad is footing the bill for the wedding. Biodad hasn’t offered a penny, nor am I expecting him to. Honestly, I question if he will even come, because he can’t stand to be around my mom and stepdad, and refused to put all that aside for my daughter’s first birthday last year.
But if he does come, I’m torn about who should walk me down the aisle. I don’t want to hurt anybody in the process, but I refuse to let myself be hurt as well. I cannot and will not deny that right to my stepdad because he HAS been the stable father figure in my life. And well, he’s paying for the whole shebang! But I don’t want to stress the tenuous relationship I have with biodad by refusing him. However, my emotionally manipulative mother will probably have a cow if I have both of them do it – which would be my preference. Even if she doesn’t say anything about it beforehand, it’ll come back to haunt me in some way. Don’t get me wrong, she and I have a great relationship. I just don’t want stress about this during what’s supposed to be the happiest time of my life.
So…anybody ever been in a similar situation? What would you do/suggest? (Sorry, this will be a post and run for at least an hour while I’m in a staff meeting)
Post # 3
You should do what you want & if you want them both to walk you, you should have the right to make that decision.
What I would do is sit down with your mom and explain why it is important to you to have them both do it, and before she gets a chance to complain, flat out ask her to respect your decision as an adult.
Now, I havn’t seen this happen in person, but I know other bees have had one dad/person walk them down part of the ailse and the other walk them the rest of the way and this has seemed to flow just fine.
Post # 4
Wow, so sorry you are in such a tough situation. I haven’t experienced this myself so I don’t know if I can even offer a good suggestion. While I can understand why your biological father is upset by what happened to him, he should never have taken it out on his children! Is there really a relationship with him to ruin by not having him walk you down the aisle? If this were me, I think I would be inclined to have the person who was my father figure walk me (be it a step dad, grandfather, cousin, etc). Good luck! I hope you can come to the solution that makes YOU happy.
Edit-I missed the part that you would prefer to have them both walk you down. If your dad is willing to do that (which seems like he might not given past actions and I honestly can’t really blame him – I’d never forgive a woman who slept with my husband, epsecially a friend of mine! but he should set aside his feelings for one day for you but just don’t think you should expect it). Then, if both dads agree then go for it no matter what your mom says – it’s your day and you need to do what is best for you!
Post # 5
@MrsWBS: There IS a relationship, though not a strong one. I am the only one who will have a relationship with biodad. My brother flat out refuses. But biodad is hardcore religious and my brother is gay, so there’s that issue. Biodad also mistreated my brother a little bit during his childhood (not abuse per say, just clearly favored me when he WAS involved and made it clear my brother did not live up to his standards). As far as if biodad has really DONE anything for me, aside from sending a check every now and then, no. Everything a father SHOULD do has been done by my stepdad. Actually, had my biodad not contributed the little bit he did contribute, I don’t know that we would have even the relationship we do have. I know that sounds bad, and I hope nobody will see it as me just taking his money (well, it was actually from the trust fund my grandparents had for me that he manipulated my aunt to get, but I won’t delve into that).
Like I said, I don’t know that he and his wife will even come. It’s an intimate affair, 50 people, family and closest friends. Nobody else from that side of my family will be there. I’m sure he will come up with some bullshit reason why they can’t come, even though his wife’s sister lives 30 minutes away and they would have accommodations, not to mention they travel 15+ hours to their ranch multiple times a year. Add to the fact that we will already be legally married by the time this happens, so he might see it as irrelevant and a waste of money to even have the ceremony and reception. That’s just how it is.
Wow, I make my family sound so effed up, don’t I? Honestly, they’re not all THAT bad!