(Closed) 2 months since the Talk….???

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If you two had a talk and he said he needed a specific amount of time, then you need to respect that and give it some time.  I’m in the waiting cycle myself, and I understand not wanting to feel like you’ve pressured him into proposing b/c you talked about it so much, but it’s hard (at least for me) because other people are getting engaged and we’re attending other weddings and things.

You just have to keep waiting, letting it be and hope it happens naturally.  If after a few more months you haven’t heard anything, then maybe you can bring it back up like ‘when we talked you said you needed a few months to work things out and here we are…’ but don’t do it exactly 1 day after 4 months or anything, just let it come up when it does.  And try to stay busy and keep your mind off of it (which is the hardest thing to do, especially when there are trips and events that get you all excited, I know).

Post # 4
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

I agree with mcnetn3–you need to honor his request for a specific amount of time. If it comes to be about 5 months after the talk or something, then you can delicately broach the subject…but I wouldn’t say anything before that.

Post # 5
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I’m in the exact same situation, (so don’t take this the wrong way) so I guess you just have to ask yourself this question:

Which do I want more: him or the wedding?  

I chose him. I want this guy because I’ve never met another man as amazing as him. And if that means that I become a lifeless husk of miserableness, then so be it. At least I’ll still have him in the end. And I know that eventually he will drag himself down onto one knee. So maybe I won’t ever have my dream timeline wedding and maybe I’ll be single and lonely and living by myself for a couple more years. There is no easy solution. I’m either unhappy unmarried and with him or either more unhappy without him.

I’m just struggling not to drag him or our relationship down with how miserable I am.

Post # 7
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@DreamingBee: I understand that you feel like you can’t make it that long, but you run the risk of irritating him or putting him off if you don’t honor the 2-4 months thing. Just my two cents. He might think you’re rushing him.

Post # 9
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

@DreamingBee: I don’t know. If it’s been two months and you have not brought it up at all I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a casual conversation. Nor do I think it would equate to a shut-up ring. If you can bring it up casually I would just ask him to re-evaluate your conversation and let you know if 4 months is still a suitable time frame. That you don’t necessarily need details and you’re not trying to pry, but could he let you know if the original time frame is still feasible or whether or not you may need to adjust your timeline expectations. And that you’re only asking so that you’re somewhat in the loop, not because you’re trying to pressure him as you completely understand and want him to be ready.

I think men appreciate honesty and should recognize that we do as well. If he says, yes, the timeframe is still feasible, just say, ‘okay, then we’ll talk more in two months.’ If he says no, he’ll need more time, ask him what amount of time you should expect. He should know that this is very, very important to you and that you are doing your best to remain calm and not-pushy, but that for your own sanity and happiness, you need a timeframe that he can stick to. That you don’t want your frustration or anxiety to be a source of turmoil and so you simply want to check in and make sure that you’re both on the same page. I think how you say things, the way you approach them, and the tone you use is the most important thing to not seeming pushy or controlling.

As for the plan and feeling disconnected….I’m not sure if there’s anything that you can do to stop the waiting cycle when it gets to the point where you feel disconnected. Is there anything you can throw yourself into whole-heartedly? Maybe a community ed art class? Or maybe you two could throw a party that requires a lot of planning? (Halloween party anyone?) it’s hard to just ‘distract’ yourself when you don’t have anything immediately in front of you that you can use for distraction.

Most men procrastinate all things ever. Just remember, he managed to get you a wonderful gift from Tiffany’s all by himself without too much commotion, so it does seem that he’s capable of finding the jewelry store and making a purchase!

Post # 10
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

@DreamingBee: i know what you mean about Mr. Bee’s plan.  I do believe it can work to an extent, but it also depends on the guy.  It seemed to be working for me for a while, but then my guy and I started getting really distanced–a lot had to do with the fact that my schedule got INSANE! But later he told me “I was ready to buy a ring on credit before all of this happened,” (there was a little tiff in between some of the distance, but we are 100% now) “but then I decided it wasn’t the time.” I think he just said that to make me angry bc i upset him a little,  but I feel like it was partly my fault bc I was seeing him soo much less. Still, that was not the best thing to tell a “waiting” girl!

My best advise to you, as hard as it is, is to just wait it out a bit more.  I know it’s not easy, I think we are all there with you.  You said “It doesn’t help that I don’t want to talk to him about it becuase I don’t want a “shut up ring”.” As hard as it is for us not to talk about it, once you have had a few talks I feel it’s best to let it go for a while.  I am in that stage–everything makes me want to bring it up but I have to hold my tongue so I don’t annoy him.  I think sometimes the reason they wait so long is that they want a certain amount of time to pass with nobody talking about it so they think they are surprising us (yeah, at that point it’s not so much of a surprise, lol!).  If a few more months go by and you have absolutely no more clues then I’d say you are safe to bring it up again.  Ring shopping/saving/buying takes a while and then he probably wants to plan the perfect surprise–my Boyfriend or Best Friend said he wants to make it a good proposal so when my friends asks how he did it, it’s a cool story–but that takes time to plan.  So just know that he may have stuff going on in the background that you don’t know about.  At least let’s hope so!!!!!!!

Post # 11
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’ve learned that a man’s timeframe differs greatly from a woman’s timeframe, lol.  Who knows what a couple months to him is really like?  I understand your frustrations, but try to think of it this way:  there are 2 major holidays coming up really soon, and many guys seem to like to “surprise” their girls during celebrations.  This is what I keep telling myself anyway, lol, to try to wait and see what happens.  It’s certainly no “sin” to casually bring up the subject to him now, but I always get that “look” from my bf when I’ve crossed that line to almost “begging” him about a ring.  It’s hard playing the waiting game, good luck to you!

Post # 13
Member
1390 posts
Bumble bee

@DreamingBee: That sounds perfect. I really think, for your own sanity, you should have that convo when you’re out of stage 2 and feeling more zen.

Quality time. Okay. How often do you see each other? Do you have a ‘date night?’ Maybe you could incorporate a date night once a week when the two of you either go out or have a date-night-in and it’s JUST the two of you. No TV, no movie, no roommate. Just the two of you, dinner, and conversation. Stroll through a park? Go out for ice cream. Also, you could have a weekly phone night. Since you don’t live together, pick one night a week where you chat to one another for one hour before bed. Again, no TV, just the two of you. Some of the best convos SO and I have ever had have been during our pre-sleep chats. If you can’t be there together, maybe you can communicate and connect like you would before sleep, over the phone. Just some ideas!

Post # 14
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

No I didn’t really mean “the wedding” either, I mean the marriage and everything. I’m not that crazy to be a bride, I want the marriage and the life together.

Post # 16
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I didn’t read all the follow-up responses, but here’s my 2 cents.

In the end of May my boyfriend talked to my parents about proposing (my Dad is somewhat traditional and we moved in together in a new city). He also gave me a timeline of a proposal in 2-4 months. So, he expected to propose by the end of September. For a while I don’t think he was doing much about a proposal, and I didn’t bring it up because he was starting a new job, and he can manage his own time. But for him I think if I don’t mention anything then everything is going great, even if deep down I’m counting the days away. So I brought it up and he started doing stuff to work towards a ring and proposal (going out and running errands without me, not allowing me to see what he’s doing online, transferring money from savings to checking….). But even though he’s spending time on it, it’s still taking a while to get his ducks in order. He wants me to be happy and “do a good job” and recently mentioned that he might not be ready by the end of the month. Maybe he is ready and is just trying to trick me, but we just went to get my finger sized this week and he claims he didn’t know the size. 

So the moral of my story is that he might think everything is fine if you are keeping quiet. Some guys won’t proactively go get a ring and propose and I don’t think it’s bad to gently remind them what your expectations are. I don’t think this means my guy or your guy isn’t interested in marrying us, I just think some people take a deadline or some prodding to accomplish things (last minute Christmas shopper? Oh, my SO is…). He might need some reminding and your time table might expand. We will make it through this time, though!

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