2 months until end of timeline with no proposal in sight – panicking

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

professorbride :  August is around the corner, TRY to chill out and give him the chance to meet the deadline, easier said than done I know… 

If he does not propose, do what you said you’ll do and call it quits. 

As a side note, when you say you “flip out” what does that mean exactly? If you have a melt down every time you guys have an argument, or you stalk exes and then freak out at him when you run into them in public that’s pretty concerning. I wouldn’t want to marry someone who behaved like that, I wonder if that’s part of what’s making him not ready.

Not trying to be mean, just something that stood out to me in your post was your own behavior.

Post # 3
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

It just isn’t this hard to get engaged. It’s not. You’ve been pushing for a year and it’s gotten you nowhere. At this point I’d stop bringing it up. It is his responsibility to follow through on the promise he made to you and you shouldn’t have to drag him kicking and screaming down the aisle. You shouldn’t have to be that cliche cake topper.

If he does not have enough motivation to propose without you “jokingly” bringing up ring shopping, constantly asking if he remembers the promise he made, having to have talk after talk about it, would you even trust that he proposed because he wanted to marry you rather than not wanting to lose you? I know people who opted for marriage not because they wanted it, but because the alternative was breaking up, and it was not a good relationship and it didn’t last.

Be prepared to walk if he doesn’t follow through. You shouldn’t have to work this hard and have to convince him to marry you.

Post # 4
Member
3713 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

professorbride :  This sounds really frustrating OP, I completely understand why you’re feeling anxious. Last time you brought it up, he said “I haven’t thought about ring shopping because I’m not ready”, you said “I’m not waiting until 2021”. Did he agree that a long engagement & wedding after his license is a good compromise? He angrily agreed to Aug 2019, but it sounds like he never really came on board and you’ve been trying to convince him to get there ever since. But unfortunately that doesn’t work. It might be time to have another conversation about “we agreed to this, but you don’t really seem on board. Are we actually on the same page, or are you agreeing to shut me up” and then REALLY listen to his response. If it’s any excuses or anything other than “lets go ring shopping”, you have your answer and you have some decisions to make. The other option is to drop it entirely until the end of August and see what happens. 

I had a very similar dynamic with my ex-h. I convinced him to make my wants a priority & get married, but he didn’t want it and that was obvious. Me having to drag him through wedding planning and feeling like I couldn’t be excited about our engagement because he wasn’t, really took the wind out of my sails. 5 years later and I’m engaged to someone who WANTS to be engaged and is looking forward to our wedding… the difference is night & day. 

Be with someone who wants the same things as you. If you have different goals, they’re not the one!

Post # 5
Member
2733 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

“I asked him if he had any intention of proposing in the summer like he said he would, and he said he didn’t know because he’s not ready.”

Bee, this is your answer. After three years, six more weeks is not going to make him ready. He doesn’t want to marry you. At this point, your absolute best case scenario for this relationship is a resentful, panicked, shut-it-up proposal in August and then years of more foot-dragging before he will be “ready” to get married (if ever). 

You deserve so much better than this. I wouldn’t wait until August, I would walk now.

Post # 6
Member
1435 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m sorry. I quit reading about 3/4 of the way through, but this is me being brutally honest. You. Need. To. Chill.

I don’t care if I want something or not. The minute I’m hounded about it, I shut down. Maybe that is how your SO feels.

You have definitely made your feelings and timeline clear. There is no need to bring it up again.

Be ready for both outcomes in August.

Post # 7
Member
6409 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

He has basically told you repeatedly that he is not ready to get engaged. He doesn’t want to ask you. You are forcing his hand, and you may well end up disappointed. But I can’t imagine you didn’t know that already. Just be prepared to walk away when you said you would, otherwise your word means nothing. I doubt he will be proposing on schedule when he just told you this month that he isn’t ready.

Post # 8
Member
763 posts
Busy bee

I’ll be honest, I feel like your Boyfriend or Best Friend has been pretty clear about where he stands and what he wants, and then you have decided what a good compromise is and are holding him to it. Don’t get me wrong, he absolutely made promises he knew he couldn’t keep to end uncomfortable conversations, but you’re also not really listening to him. He doesn’t want to spend a few thousand on a ring or have a big wedding, he might be interested in getting married in a more low key way, but that is a different conversation. 

I also feel like a lot of the conversations youre having are about ring shopping and not about marriage. Is he willing to MARRY you before 2021? Is that enough for you?

Post # 9
Member
6540 posts
Bee Keeper

PP makes a good point about marriage vs rings and wedding planning. 

The “lazy” guy you’ve described is not romantic or a planner. Even if you take him ring shopping and watch over his shoulder while he orders it and snoop through his emails to find out when it’s ready I’m afraid you will be disappointed with what is sure to be a basic proposal. He’s not suddenly going to become less lazy or care more about a wedding even if he proposes. 

You can’t badger someone else into a healthy diet or exercise, he has to want it for himself. It’s probably easier to badger someone into proposing. Is that what you really want? I would take a step back and let him show you what his priorities are. And perhaps check into some counseling to address what sounds like a long history of jealousy and explosive reactions.

Post # 10
Member
10587 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

professorbride :  

You do not have to wait until August, Bee.  Nothing was written in blood.  It was just an arbitrary deadline that you latched onto and he angrily agreed to.

In a healthy adult relationship, goals for the future, including engagement and marriage are ongoing topics of discussion, not declarations of war.

The dynamic around the marriage issue has become toxic, Bee.  

He’s not ready.  Ok.  Fair enough.  He has told you why he doesn’t feel ready; he wants to get his professional license first. Again, fair enough.  He is entitled to feel that way.

And, you’re entitled to not accept it.

You’re angry that he’s not proposing.

You’re angry that other women are getting more stuff from their bfs.

If you were researching diets and doing all of my planning for me, I would run screaming into the night and never return.

In any case, if you don’t feel that you can wait until August, tell your bf exactly that. You’re driving yourself crazy. Just be certain you are prepared to follow through on your ultimatum.  Otherwise, it’s nothing but a manipulation tactic.

Post # 11
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

MiniMeow :  No its not that hard to propose, unless he doesn’t want to get married.  I gave my now FH a timeline of the end of this year.  He told me it would be sooner and bam he proposed 2 weeks after this discussion.  Don’t push, just start getting your affairs in order just in case the deadline passes (find a place to live, move etc).  You don’t want to force him to propose, he does it or you walk.

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