2 months until end of timeline with no proposal in sight – panicking

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
19 posts
Newbee

professorbride :  waiting causes a lot of anxiety and it plays on your deepest fears. Especially since the person you love some dear is causing you so much harm (and he will never acknowledge it or understand how you feel!) by making you wait to his vague timelines. 

I don’t think you should leave just yet or call your future e-ring a ‘shut up ring’, as you are setting yourself up to feel negative about any proposal you may receive. 

I think trust in your partner and try your very best to enjoy the process.

Re-evaluate timelines once early September comes around and he still hasn’t proposed and stress the importance of your time to him, and that it isn’t fair for you to wait so long. 

Post # 32
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

Two things come to mind when reading your post.

1) you shouldn’t have continued the relationship when he revealed that marriage isn’t something he wants but would do it if he had to. Lesson learned. Don’t date another guy who doesn’t want the same things as you do, openly and in a joyful way. Your current situation is a result of dating a guy who for whatever reason doesn’t get excited about the idea of marrying someone. 

2) You have an August deadline. Let him either do it or fail. When he doesn’t do it, which I’m pretty sure he won’t because he already went back on his word and said he “wasn’t ready” then you leave and don’t look back. You gave him plenty of time and effort and now it’s time to go find someone who is thrilled to marry you. 

Lastly, there will be another guy who will be excited to marry you, will propose quickly, and willingly, and be just as happy about it as you are. I also guarantee this next guy would be just as or more amazing than your current boyfriend. So dont accept a relationship or an engagement/wedding that you have to force and feel shitty about if you don’t want that. It’s your choice, there are so many guys out there, if you want one who knows your the one for him with no hesitation then go out and get that!! 

Oh and btw all your current boyfriends “reasons” are complete and total bullshit. They are rude, and cruel, and manipulative, and gross. Don’t fall for a single one of them. And don’t let him get away with saying them either. 

“ well if you are still not ready and unsure about me than I am going to move on. It has been more than enough time for you to know and come to a decision on that. And I’m not settling or wasting my time on a guy that is so wishy washy. Most of all, I am not going to sit here and listen to excuses when I know they are lies. It’s over” 

Post # 33
Member
2759 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

professorbride :  I really didn’t mean my words to sound harsh bee, I just think sometimes it takes an outsider’s perspective to really condense a complicated situation down to the bottom line. You deserve to be with someone who can’t wait to spend the rest of his life with you, is 100% sure that you are all he wants, and will let nothing stop them to propose to you.

I really hate seeing the finances excuse thrown around on the waiting boards when it is “delaying” a proposal for years and the OP isn’t demanding an extravagent ring or wedding. Darling Husband proposed to me with a $300 engagement ring when we were both 23 years old and he was still a student. And that level of certainty and commitment is what YOU deserve, and every month you spend with your current partner is another month you are delaying meeting your soul mate. 

Post # 34
Member
4063 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

None of the “compromises” you describe are actually that. He doesn’t want to get married. You do. Giving him a deadline to propose is not a compromise of those two wants.

You’re not wrong to want what you want. He’s not wrong not to want it. What’s wrong is banging your head against the wall,  demanding something you know he doesn’t want to give. You’re making yourself miserable, and at this point I just don’t see a way for you two to have a happy ending (at least not with each other). 

Bee, he doesn’t want to get married. You yourself told us that! You are not compatible. You want different things. Go find a guy who wants the things you want. 

Post # 35
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

In all fairness, it sounds like your personality types are not compatible. 

It also sounds like he was clear upfront about what he didnt want (marriage) and you have forced him to a timeline and harrassed him about it for years now.  You sound very controlling in many ways and it isnt healthy.  He should have been man enough to tell you straight up that there would be no proposal and walk away way earlier than now.  But then again, you probably should have been woman enough to have walked away after you told him your needs/expectations and he made it clear he couldnt meet them.

The stuff about his weight is just cruel and if this was a man here saying the same things about his partner, there would be a lynching mob ready and waiting.

Anyway – I feel like you will not stick to your word/timeline when August comes and goes…it may take a couple more years of angst and damage to both of you before he wears down or you finally give up.  Have you considered talking to an impartial third party (ie a professional) abot your anxiety/jealousy/controlling behaviours as well as how to handle the ending of this relationship?

Post # 36
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

He has a right not to be ready, he doesn’t HAVE to be. What I’d be pissed about is that he’s known for the past few months and didn’t say anything. Maybe he was genuinely hoping that something would change within himself, but the constant pressure didn’t help.

 

If he has doubts you shouldn’t plan any further, you should go to couple counseling and see if this can be sorted out in any way. Otherwise, couple counseling will help you to part ways in a healthy way.

But as it stands, you cannot be angry at someone because they don’t want to marry you.

Post # 37
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m not going to touch on what you guys should/shouldn’t do, who’s right/wrong, or whatever but seriously bee, my heart is aching for you. 

Marriage can be hard. I’ve been married twice and I can tell you that you (and him tbh) deserve to be with people who want the same things. I’ve never seen a man who really wants to be married drag his feet. You have a problem with his lack of care for his body, what happens when this doesn’t stop and your children have an unhealthy parent?  What about when those kids do come along and this behavior of dragging feet when it isn’t something he ultimately wants is still there? Not saying he doesn’t want kids but the myriad of other decisions that comes with having them. You’ve researched the rings-will you be the one researching school zones, tutors, sports, and all that? If you want someone who is crazy over you and can’t wait to marry you and he doesn’t care to be married, how is this fair to either of you? 

I’m not saying to leave. I’m not. At all. I’m saying to evaluate how happy you think you will be in 30 years if you are this upset at 3. 

Post # 38
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee

First and foremost, I really think you could benefit from talking to a therapist. You seem to have extreme stress and anxiety in your relationship, and that is not healthy. I think you need support from a therapist, regardless of whether he proposes or not. Just my opinion.

Bee, I think the root of the problem is that he told you he doesn’t really want marriage and you pushed forward anyway.

Now, don’t get me wrong- I think you are a strong individual who knows exactly what she wants and is a no-nonsense go-getter. I think that is admirable. Mostly we see a lot of bees who don’t stand up for themselves in their relationships, and clearly that is not an issue for you.

However, I think you have leaned too far the other way. You see, you have been kind of steam-rolling your bf over this issue and pushing very hard for what you want and over-looking the obvious problem-he doesn’t want to propose.

And I think you have conflated marriage with a wedding as if they are one in the same.

The thing is that your bf said he doesn’t care much about marriage except for insurance/legal reasons if I recall correctly. It is not romantic, but it sounds like he would do it if necessary. While I personally would prefer to marry someone who actively wants it just as much as I do, there are women out there who wouldn’t mind this kind of attitude towards marriage and it would be just fine to marry for solely practical reasons.

And it sounds like you want the ring, the wedding, and the marriage. You want the whole she-bang. And that’s understandable! You are a romantic at heart.

The problem is that he doesn’t want the whole she-bang. Or possibly any of it.

I think you need to do some soul-searching to figure out if you can be okay with marrying someone who feels so “meh” about marriage. If you know deep down you need a man who is 100% about it, then that’s your answer right there.

But this dragging him ring shopping kicking and screaming has got to stop. And bull-dozing his feelings isn’t going to get you what you want.

I’m really sorry, bee. I think that you two are just too different. For his own reasons, he just isn’t into marriage and even though he said he would do it if he had to, it doesn’t seem like he wants to. Whether that’s because he doesn’t want to marry anyone or he doesn’t want to marry you doesn’t really matter at this point.

I’d hate to see you finally get a forced proposal and sacrifice what you really want just to be with him. Please don’t break your own heart. 

Try talking to a therapist, and if you end things, just know that you will be okay and that you will find someone out there who will want to and will give you the ring, the wedding and the marriage-the whole she-bang. Happily. 

 

Post # 41
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’ve been in this exact situation, he kept promising we’d get engaged “soon” but it dragged on and on…eventually he admitted that he didnt want to disappoint me, and that he wasnt ever interested in marriage, it broke my heart and we broke up. 5 years of my life wasted with a man that was never ever going to commit. My guess is that deep down you know it shouldn’t be this hard, and something isnt right, I did. We broke up last March, I’ve been with my current partner for 8 months and the break up is the best thing that ever happened to me. We are already discussing moving in together, timelines for engagement/marriage etc, dont waste years on a man that still cant make up his mind on whether he wants to commit to you or not, you deserve so much more than that bs

Post # 42
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

I read this whole thread and I didn’t get the sense that you like or respect your boyfriend very much, let alone love him. At this point it seems like you’re hanging un there because after all this time and effort, you deserve a prize i.e., a ring.

Take away the thought of marriage completely. If you knew there was someone better out there for you, would you stay with your boyfriend?  Because there are better men out there, better by far and better for you. I think your anxiety would be dialed way back if you didn’t have this issue consuming your life.

Post # 43
Member
2567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

A lot of Bees have given good advice so I’m going to condense my thoughts as much as possible. 

Engagements and proposals shouldn’t be this difficult. You shouldn’t feel stressed or anxious to the point where you’re this upset. 

A few things about your behavior: like other Bees said, it sounds like a few months ago you were hounding him and pushing marriage. That never ends well. You have been totally fair though and given a very realistic timeline. 

A few things about him: Sounds like he never really wanted to get married, he isn’t very motivated, he doesn’t sound romantic which sounds like something you would prefer. You are a planner and this clashes with his laid back personality. 

In all honesty, I would want to get engaged at your stage in the relationship, that’s totally fair. However, from a man’s point of view, they usually don’t focus so much on how long you’ve been together, you ages, etc. Usually they focus on financials and work stability. It sounds like neither of you is super settled (you are both in school to further careers) and it might scare your boyfriend if you are prioritizing your savings for a wedding while he would rather use it for a house. I’m not saying a house or a wedding is more important. But it’s kind of a matter of choosing which step to take next which might scare him. 

Post # 44
Member
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Stop using him being lazy as an excuse.  He’s getting a license, he probably feeds himself, he drives to places he wants to be, he has sex with you.  The man isn’t in a depression, he just doesn’t do things he doesn’t want to do.

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