- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
Ok, professorbride, tough love time:
If I were your boyfriend, I would also not propose to you. Your relationship sounds CONTROLLING. AS. HELL. and not fun at all – for either of you.
Let’s flip the genders and see if we feel differently:
if a woman came to this board saying her boyfriend was a) pushing her to make a commitment (let’s say move in together, to mix it up) that she said multiple times she didn’t want, b) routinely having meltdowns about her ambivalence, c) stalking and interrogating her about her past, d) researching all the ways she was living her life wrong (diet, exercise), e) constantly haranguing her that she needed to drop 40 pounds ASAP, and f) passive aggressively “making jokes” about important topics then flying off the handle when she doesn’t guess the proper response, then the bees would take up a fund to pay for a skywriter spelling out “DTMFA!!!” The way you are treating your boyfriend is unkind, unhealthy, and not indicative of a good partnership. Does that absolve him of all responsibility? No. He’s a grown adult, and if he doesn’t want to marry you, he should break up with you rather than stringing you along. But it’s possible that he’s a frog in hot water convinving himself that it’s not as bad as it looks from the outside. It’s also possible he’s a little scared of you. Either way, he needs to own up to his feelings and end it, and you need to take a chill pill and figure out how to be a healthy partner for your next dude.
“But I have anxiety!” is not an excuse. Lots and lots and lots of people with anxiety, depression, and plenty of other mental health burdens (myself and my husband included) date. Many of them find healthy relationships. You, on the other hand, are not working on being your healthiest self, you’re outsourching responsibility for your issues to everyone around them. That’s not how it works; it’s incumbent on you to find opportunities to self-soothe and solve your own stuff.
I realize much of this will fall on deaf ears, but my hope is that after you continue to be unhappy for a goodly long while (either in this relationship, or in the unhappy marriage this relationship MIGHT morph into, or while single after it falls apart) then you will be able to self-reflect on where you went wrong. Taking charge of your life is a good thing. I encourage everyone, especially waiting bees, to do so. But that means crafting yourself into the version of yourself that makes you happy and seeking out partners who appreciate that, rather than trying to push someone into being the partner you want/need when they are not that. The good news is that you CAN improve, through therapy or pastoral counseling. “But I went once and it didn’t help!” is asinine – it’s like saying “But I went to the gym once and I still didn’t finish that marathon!” We are all works in progress. Change takes time.