2 months until end of timeline with no proposal in sight – panicking

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 45
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019

professorbride :  ok this may sound harsh but I feel like you are ruining the whole proposal process for yourself. You sound like you want the fancy ring on a beach fairytale moment, but what you’re really getting at the end of the day is the man. He sounds down to earth (wants to save for a house) and you are coming across as high maintenance. My man proposed to me with an $8 ring because we want to invest in our future house more than a rock to show off to the girls. It sounds like you two may be on different pages and if you love him you’ll care how he feels about the situation too. Just my 2 cents. 

Post # 46
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Calling him and starting the conversation again over the phone doesn’t help the cause. Would you marry someone who is doing nothing but pushing you? I wouldn’t, even if I loved the person. If this sets the pattern for your life together, you’re basically showing him how it will be for the rest of your lives.

Post # 47
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Bee, look at what you’re saying. You say it’s not like he doesn’t want to get married, he’s just not excited! Then you tell us you want enthusiasm, and a heartfelt proposal: do you not see how that’s not going to happen?

You seem like someone who sets goals, and works very hard to attain them. But getting married isn’t a goal that works that way. You can’t work hard enough to change his mind about marriage. And even if you could, would you really be happy getting it that way?

Post # 48
Member
10599 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

professorbride :  

I kindly told him about his weight gain a few months ago and have been very gentle and sensitive about it but he did not change. As time went on, I started being more firm about it because 40 pounds is no joke and he is verging on obesity. He won’t care for himself, so I feel like I have to push him to do it. We’re both at fault here. Do I just walk away because he got fat? Do I ignore it and let him eat himself to literal death? I don’t know what else I could be doing. 

 

Bee, I am going to take this one step further and submit that you are drawn to this guy precisely because you perceive him as an opportunity for you to exert maximum control.  

I think that a man who had his poop in a group and didn’t *need* you to run things for him would not be appealing to you.

Yes, a 40 lb weight gain is concerning.  And, there is a reason for an apparently healthy young man to have put on so much weight in a short amount of time.  That’s the most important issue and the one you have completely ignored.

Do you think he doesn’t know he has gained weight? If you absolutely must comment, do it once, then leave it the hell alone.  It’s his body.  You cannot control what he puts into it.  And, yes, if he wants to eat himself to death; that is his prerogative.  If you can’t bear to sit idly by and watch:  leave.

If we flip the script and some guy was nagging his gf about losing weight, the Bees would all be singing from the same hymnal:  DUMP HIM!

Post # 49
Member
10599 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

professorbride :  

Bee, staaaahhhhhpppp. You’re getting out of control and the driver is your anxiety, not love for your bf and any desire to build a future with him.

Meditation and CBD are lovely ideas; but, without therapy, at this point, they are not adequate to get the job done.  I get that you tried therapy once, and you feel like it didn’t work. Try it again. You may need meds as an adjunct for awhile.  Switch therapists, find one who is a good fit.  Don’t try to manage this kind of anxiety alone.

How your bf has hung in this long, I dunno.  He probably is too lazy to just make run for it.

Post # 50
Member
5413 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

This sounds exhausting. You sound controlling to an extreme level, monitoring how much ‘research’ he is doing for a ring, controlling his weight and his diet, stalking his ex flings and flipping out about it. Wow.  

There are 2.5 months left and you are obsessing over how “hard” it is to buy a ring.  It isn’t hard, the vast majority of men go and buy a ring in a day. By all means walk away now if you want considering he definitely isn’t interested in marriage on his own but if you choose to stay give this guy a break and stop making your anxieties into his problem.

Post # 51
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee

You know that wedding cake topper of the bride dragging the groom?  The one some think is a joke but it’s actually pathetic and kind of offensive implying the man isn’t a willing participant in what should be a joyous lifelong commitment and in reality there is t least a kernal of truth to those people who pick that cake topper?

You are the living embodiment of that cake topper right now.  Every update you give paints a glaringly obvious picture of a guy who could not want marriage less and the woman who is hellbound and determined to drag him to the altar no matter what.  Is that really what you want?  That’s the story you want the rest of your life to be?  You want to look back on your life and see the heel marks from where you dragged the guy who should want to be a willing participant but isn’t, instead of footprints with someone who actually walks there with you?  It really shouldn’t be this hard.

You claim you don’t want a forced proposal, but that is literally the only option available with this guy because he clearly doesn’t want it – and he also told you in no uncertain terms he doesn’t want it (despite what you think it is clear – anything that is not an enthusiastic yes is a no) and you refused to listen or believe him, which means you also don’t respect or trust him.  So why are you staying to accept the thing you don’t want instead of finding what you want?  Go find a guy who wants to walk with you.

Post # 52
Member
824 posts
Busy bee

I promise you this advice is well intended- but you seem hugely insecure and I think this, as well as your anxiety, is causing drama and unhappiness in your life and will follow you into future relationships unless you get help for this. 

Your boyfriend introduced you to someone he’d had a hook-up with as an aquaintance- how on earth did you expect him to introduce her?! “OP this is Melissa, she’s not an actual ex but we did fuck a few times” When you confronted him on who she was, yes he should have been honest with you about this, not being able to take him at his word will only increase your insecurity and anxiety. But I also suspect that you’re vastly underplaying what you mean by ‘flipping’ on him and I suspect your behaviour is out of control at times- you impulsively phoned him to continue on about the timeline (a conversation that should have waited til you were calm and in person). 

And it’s alarming that you demand advance notice if anyone he’s ever dated or slept with will be at an event. Why do you need to know this except fo feed your insecurities? Would you demand the two of you not go? How is he even supposed to know the entire guest list at every event you go to? This seems extremely controlling and unreasonable and this type of behaviour will push partners away from you and you’ll end up hurt over and over again by your own behaviour. if you don’t actively work to help yourself. 

And on top of everything else, the two of you seem fundamentally incompatible. I don’t see this as being a good or healthy relationship for either of you even if you get an August proposal. Please consider looking into therapy as several other Bees and myself have suggested. Good luck to you Bee. 

Post # 53
Member
6540 posts
Bee Keeper

Ugh, Bee. With every update it becomes more clear that you need to shift your focus off getting engaged and invest the time in addressing your anxiety, etc. You seem so concerned about your Boyfriend or Best Friend addressing his weight gain but you’re not willing to find a therapist you can work with to address your issues? 

ETA: You seem obsessed with getting engaged and married but not at all certain you want to spend the rest of your life with this man, just as he is. Aside from treating your anxiety, you would benefit from speaking with a professional who could help you to sort out what your goals really are in this relationship. 

Post # 54
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I found this thread exhausting to read. I agree with the other Bees that you don’t seem to have a lot of love/respect/admiration for your boyfriend, or have similar viewpoints on life; are you sure that you really want to be married to him forever?

Whilst I strongly believe he should be honest and upfront about his intentions, you have to also hear and believe his answers. He also sounds very clear on what he wants. He doesn’t believe in marriage. He doesn’t want to get married without living together first. He doesn’t feel ready.

My ex-fi told me at the start of our relationship that he didn’t want to get married for at least 5 years. That was too long for me, and I hoped and stressed out because I wanted it sooner. You know what? I should have believed him. He proposed after 5.5 years, when he did feel ready. We broke up later for other reasons but those reasons were there before we got engaged. Maybe if I’d looked closely and honestly at the relationship in the first place I’d have realised that marriage wasn’t really right for either of us at that point. His proposal didn’t make me happy, even though I thought it would.

If he proposes in August, do you believe in your heart that it will be what he wants, and that he will be ready? If not, why do you want a proposal in those circumstances? Surely neither of you would be happy with that?

Also, it does not take months to shop for a ring. My now husband proposed without one, then took me shopping one afternoon. I looked at 3 rings and picked one there and then. It took less than an hour. My ex-fi bought the ring without me, based on me saying I liked trilogy rings, but it only took him one afternoon and a visit to one shop.

 

Post # 55
Member
637 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

professorbride :  you have spent 3 years with someone who FROM THE OUTSET said he didn’t want marriage, and now you are pressuring him into marriage because it’s what YOU want. Why the hell do women do this to themselves? You literally made this situation yourself. You were not compatible and still proceeded with the relationship. Men who want to get married don’t need chiding or convincing. And now you’re at the point where you are doing all the work to get a proposal. You guys need to just go your separate ways.

Post # 56
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee

I do get where OP is coming from as I suffer with severe generalised anxiety, so a lot of her behaviour and thoughts are familiar to me. 

However, it is apparent that OP’s partner does not want to marry her, so this anxiety will not go away even if he does propose as she will always be worrying and obsessing that it was a shut up proposal. She will pick up on his apathy during the wedding planning and instead of being a happy time there will be more insecurity, arguments, doubt etc.

My fiancée was not keen on marriage when we first met due to her parents (their marriage was abusive on both sides and their divorce was extremely messy). However, as time went on and she met my family she warmed to the idea and by the time we got engaged (2 years later) she couldn’t wait to. 

I understand why OP continued to date her partner despite being him saying he wasn’t that keen on marriage because he did say he would do it if it was important to his partner, which is basically what my fiancée said when we first started dating. However, it has been close to three years now and it’s clear his mind has never really changed. At this point any proposal is going to be forced and OP will never really be happy, so the only option imo is to break up. If you’ve not changed his mind in three years you never will and you do not want to drag anyone kicking and screaming down the alter, it’s just a recipe for disaster. 

Post # 57
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

Damn girl be cool. Eesh. Get off WeddingBee until either he proposes or end of August. This place will not help you keep your calm at all. You need some meditation in your life and to breath. You set a date… he agreed….how about you trust him and step back and let him do his thing. See what he does or doesn’t do. No more bugging him about this. You are beating a dead horse deader.

I am sure there are other things in your life you can focus this energy towards…preferably to bettering yourself. It is great you want to stay in shape and you love doing research but that just doesnt’ sound like him. And that is okay… he is his own person. 

And he has been honest with you this whole time… Marriage is not important to him and not something he really cares for… he cares for his license, kids and a house. Those are his priorities. I agree compromise needs to happen but if I were compromising for someone and they wouldn’t leave me alone about it then I would just do nothing and being resistant. You say you will resent him if he gives you a rushed and hasty proposal…. Think about how he feels and if what you are doing might be causing resentment from him. Put yourself in his shoes and think about it from his perspective. 

 

I vote leave him alone about anything to do with weddings, weight, rings, proposals until August. If he asks questions and starts a conversation thats fine. But leave him alone. If hes as good of a guy as you say… he at least deserves that much. Its 2 months.. I think you can survive. Find a new hobby or something else to be excited about.

Post # 58
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

Ok, professorbride, tough love time:

If I were your boyfriend, I would also not propose to you. Your relationship sounds CONTROLLING. AS. HELL. and not fun at all – for either of you.

Let’s flip the genders and see if we feel differently:

if a woman came to this board saying her boyfriend was a) pushing her to make a commitment (let’s say move in together, to mix it up) that she said multiple times she didn’t want, b) routinely having meltdowns about her ambivalence, c) stalking and interrogating her about her past, d) researching all the ways she was living her life wrong (diet, exercise), e) constantly haranguing her that she needed to drop 40 pounds ASAP, and f) passive aggressively “making jokes” about important topics then flying off the handle when she doesn’t guess the proper response, then the bees would take up a fund to pay for a skywriter spelling out “DTMFA!!!” The way you are treating your boyfriend is unkind, unhealthy, and not indicative of a good partnership. Does that absolve him of all responsibility? No. He’s a grown adult, and if he doesn’t want to marry you, he should break up with you rather than stringing you along. But it’s possible that he’s a frog in hot water convinving himself that it’s not as bad as it looks from the outside. It’s also possible he’s a little scared of you. Either way, he needs to own up to his feelings and end it, and you need to take a chill pill and figure out how to be a healthy partner for your next dude.

“But I have anxiety!” is not an excuse. Lots and lots and lots of people with anxiety, depression, and plenty of other mental health burdens (myself and my husband included) date. Many of them find healthy relationships. You, on the other hand, are not working on being your healthiest self, you’re outsourching responsibility for your issues to everyone around them. That’s not how it works; it’s incumbent on you to find opportunities to self-soothe and solve your own stuff.

I realize much of this will fall on deaf ears, but my hope is that after you continue to be unhappy for a goodly long while (either in this relationship, or in the unhappy marriage this relationship MIGHT morph into, or while single after it falls apart) then you will be able to self-reflect on where you went wrong. Taking charge of your life is a good thing. I encourage everyone, especially waiting bees, to do so. But that means crafting yourself into the version of yourself that makes you happy and seeking out partners who appreciate that, rather than trying to push someone into being the partner you want/need when they are not that. The good news is that you CAN improve, through therapy or pastoral counseling. “But I went once and it didn’t help!” is asinine – it’s like saying “But I went to the gym once and I still didn’t finish that marathon!” We are all works in progress. Change takes time.

Good luck.

Post # 59
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

professorbride :  Telling someone they need to get into shape, and researching diets for them is a bit of a turnoff. I would leave that one alone. Guys aren’t typically motivated by nagging. If he’s truly lazy, you’re not going to change that behavior with marriage. Remember: he’s picturing the rest of his life with a wife who nagged him to get married; nagged him about his weight…where does the nagging end?  It’s awesome you’re so motivated, but he’s probably not a Type A, and never will be. 

Walk by your time line date if you don’t have a ring. Odds are he isn’t planning to propose, at this point. He needs to be 100% sure about you, and if he were, you’d be wearing a ring already. 

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