2 months until end of timeline with no proposal in sight – panicking

posted 3 months ago in Waiting
Post # 60
Member
5431 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

I’m late to this party, but, you tried therapy once and it didn’t work so you gave up? No amount of exercise or cbd oil was going to get control over my anxiety disorders. They can HELP in addition to other coping skills that you learn in therapy, but clearly they are not controlling your anxiety right now.

I haven’t seen this touched on, but you took him aside at a wedding and chastised him for another girl being there? You admitted that you didn’t scream at him, but you probably straight up ruined the wedding for him.

Do you want to be THAT person? Try therapy again and use a different therapist. I’ve been with mine for two and a half years and I’ve only just started to see changes in my patterns over the past year.

It takes time and work and you need a therapist who is a good fit for you.

When this relationship ends, you will carry this anxiety into the next relationship and follow the same pattern unless you gain control over yourself 

Post # 62
Member
5431 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

professorbride :  I took it from your “therapy didn’t work for me” comment and assumed you went once, that’s on me, not on anyone else here. That was my mistake

You are right about therapy, it only works if you put the work in. Therapy doesn’t fix your problems, it’s a resource for you to work on your problems.

Anyway, I hope you find a way to get control over yourself because I know exactly how it feels to not be in control over myself

Post # 63
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

I had to go to 5 regular doctors and a bevvy of specialists before I was diagnosed with endometriosis. Took me many appointments, lots of invasive imaging, and almost a year. I didn’t say “WELL I GUESS I’LL JUST GIVE UP AND HAVE CRIPPLING ABDOMINAL PAIN MY WHOLE LIFE,” even when I was exhausted and crying on the bus home because yet another doctor had told me I was probably just sensitive to dairy or eating too much red meat (for the record, I was always vegetarian, and went through periods of elimination diet/veganism to test out if that was it.) Picking a new therapist sucks, being miserable in a relationship sucks, being alone sucks. Pick your suck.

Just out of curiosity, do you find yourself “firing” your therapists after a couple sessions if they don’t agree with you? I’m starting to wonder if there are some patterns across your behavior that could speak to some specific, relevant … concerns.

 

Post # 64
Member
671 posts
Busy bee

professorbride :  

I say this with love and as someone who has suffered with anxiety and with a perfectionist/controlling urge in the past: You have GOT to get control of these behaviours before they control you and ruin your relationships in the future. You know that I and the other Bees are right about this, even if you don’t want to admit it just yet.

You cannot force him to propose to you, and you cannot force him to lose weight and eat healthier. It is one thing to have a meaningful conversation or express concern ONCE, but what you are doing is some serious boundary-crossing behaviour. Pushing him to lose weight and phoning him and harrassing him about his timeline because you feel he has “lied” to you and “deceived” you are way over the line. You need to drop it now. Leave it – either he will propose in August or he won’t, and either you will stay or you won’t.

You say therapy hasn’t worked for you. I won’t argue with you on that. I too believe it is not the cure-all it is presented to be and that there are potentially more effective solutions. I personally found coaching, natural remedies, coping behaviours, and exercise to be the ticket to get my anxiety under control. However, I really do encourage you to explore these, to the fullest of your ability. Become determined to manage your anxiety. Don’t do yourself a disservice and let it run rampant and ruin your relationships.

In the meantime, I strongly recommend that you do some reading up on boundaries, what they are, how to recognise them, and how to honour your own and other people’s in a respectful way.

Your flipping out over your boyfriend’s ex-hook up being at an event and calling it a “red flag” that he didn’t immediately own up to sleeping with her is uncalled for behaviour, OP. I don’t care that you and he had an agreement about “telling each other” about these things – his past is none of your business and doesn’t entitle you to stalk them or take him to task about them. How can he possibly know when he is going to run into them? As an example, my boyfriend and I were out at a bar a couple of weeks ago, and out of the blue, a man tapped me on the shoulder and gave me a hug and chatted to me for a couple of minutes. It was a past hook-up of mine and my boyfriend was sitting right there. He asked me who it was and I told him it was an ex of mine. He took it in his stride, but if he had sulked or flipped out, I would have been very unsettled or put off.

I agree with a PP that you do not seem to have a lot of respect or affection for your boyfriend.

I know that sometimes the Bees on these boards can be a bit harsh. But in this instance, I think most are being fair, and I encourage you to think on it hard. That will give you something to do while you are waiting for a proposal.

Post # 65
Member
4060 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OP, at this point I think you need to ask yourself what you want out of this thread. So far, you’ve decided to ignore everyone (aka the majority) of people telling you he won’t propose, you’ve justified your bad behavior by blaming anxiety, thereby showing an unwillingness to change or learn from it, and you insist therapy doesn’t work for you (when in reality it’s just that the therapy you’ve had thus far hasn’t worked, you can’t know it never will).

So, you’re not going to change, you’re not going to adjust your expectations, and you are staying in the relationship. So….you’re exactly where you started.

Post # 66
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Other bees have made a lot of good points about many concerning things you’ve said. I just want to comment on this bit from one of your updates: “I’m kicking myself about not just ending it last August. I will wait until the timeline.”

These two sentences are directly at odds with one another. It makes ZERO rational sense to be angry with yourself for not dumping a person in the past, yet simultaneously sitting around waiting for that same person to propose to you! Think about it bee!!!! Value yourself more! It sounds like you are just desperate to get married period and it doesn’t matter to whom. 

Post # 67
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think it’s really kind or fair to say it’s his fault that you’re controlling because he’s immature. You called him fat and lazy, too. Are you sure you even want to marry this man? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you consider to be immature, lazy, and on the road to “eating himself to literal death” as you said?

I could go on but it’s easy on the internet to point fingers at others, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m hounding you. It sounds like it’s just time to move on, for both of your sakes.

Post # 68
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Stop trying to strong arm this poor sap into going against his feelings so you can have a pretty princess day. Nothing about anything you’ve said has indicated a compromise. It’s just him trying to get you off his back.

Post # 69
Member
2199 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

professorbride :  A lot of other Bees have expressed most of my thoughts, but I did want to underscore something in particular. 

As you describe your relationship – and its impact on your mental health – I can’t help but think you are holding on to this partner because you don’t believe you can ask for/deserve more. There is a frank negativity about the way you describe yourself that gives me the impression that even though this man falls far short of the kind of partner you would ideally like to have, you cling to him due to the belief you are too “difficult” or “challenging” to expect better for yourself. 

I also pick up on an external pressure. Whether this is from family, your friend group, or cultural, I get the sense you feel like you ought to be ready for marriage. You ought to be preparing for a wedding. You ought to be looking toward a future with children. It may well be that you want all of those things, but that you feel an added pressure to get to them sooner than later, and since this is the guy you’ve been with for a while, it seems sensible to get there with him. 

My sense is that you have become SO CAUGHT UP in wondering why he doesn’t want to marry you, you have stopped asking yourself why YOU want to marry HIM. Apart from the resentment and hurt generated by his manifest reluctance to either marry you or set you free, the two of you seem to lack a fundamental compatibility; you’re a go-getter, he’s much more laid back. You’re a planner, he’s a “I’ll figure it out”-er. To be happy you need to have a particular degree of certainty that doesn’t seem important to him. 

All of these things are going to be a constant source of conflict. You said it yourself; the prospect of planning and prodding for every major decision in your lives together sounds exhausting. Do you REALLY want to sign up for a lifetime of that? Because I’ve done it, and I can tell you – it is soul-sucking and killed my first marriage. 

Even if he were to propose today, in some elaborate thoughtful romantic way, would it really be enough to overcome a year of feeling like you had to drag him every step of the way? Does the way you have felt trying to pin him down for a straight answer feel good? Is that the way you want to feel for the rest of your life? Cause, that’s what you’re signing up for. You are ready to move forward. Which is natural and appropriate. He really isn’t and has said so several times. That mismatch in pace is almost certainly an endemic problem in the relationship. 

Take a moment to ask yourself – without judgement – do you want to marry HIM or do you just want to marry SOMEONE.

Because, if it’s the latter, I can tell you with complete certainty; there is someone else out there who wants what you do. Who will be motivated, and driven, and a planner who can clearly communicate about their intentions and plans without being hounded. Who will be eager to get a ring “the right way*” and won’t leave you to fret and wonder about the future. He will openly discuss it with you, and won’t make you wait to do so. 

You clearly have some issues around anxiety which create an intense need to feel a sense of control. That doesn’t make you a bad person, or a bad partner. It means you need someone who can understand your preference for transparency, and a willingness to make explicit plans and carry them out. That person exists, and you will be much happier with him than you are with your current boyfriend. 

Finally, I agree with the PPs who have encouraged you to seek additional treatment. THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO MEAN THERAPY though, for a lot of people it should. There are advances in ketamine therapy, as well as emerging research in using psychadelics to combat anxiety. I do understand how frustrating it can to be try and feel like nothing is helping, but that doesn’t mean nothing ever will.  It can take a long time to find a treatment that is effective that really helps address your specific concerns. Including why you are so hard on yourself, when your coping strategies are all very typical for someone with anxiety.

I think you have tolerated things from this boyfriend (the lying about the ex) that you KNOW aren’t acceptable because you don’t think you can do better, given the baggage you see yourself being burdened with. 

We all have issues. We all have baggage. That doesn’t make us less worthy of a happy, mutually satisfying relationship with a person who shares our values and goals. Don’t compromise that possibility because you think you don’t deserve better. 

*Gotta admit I have no idea what this means

Post # 72
Member
994 posts
Busy bee

Every couple I know has had to compromise in some way, or lacks something, is recovering from something, or generally isn’t perfect. I get the sense that all bees have great relationships and whenever there is a problem, they just talk it out and immediately find a solution. Is that reality, because I rarely if ever have met couples that are that seamless”

The key here is that the compromises that are made in successful, healthy relationships are not about fundamental incompatabilites.

For example, a compromise would be a couple on the market for a house compromising on the budget/style/number of bedrooms/etc so they can find a house within their means and expectations. In this example, both parties want the house and are working to get on the same page in terms of specifics. The issue isn’t that SHE wants a house and HE does not if we were to parallel it to your specific issue.

Or, another example, two people want to get married and are engaged but are trying to compromise on what kind of venue. The compromise isn’t that HE doesn’t want to get married but SHE does. 

In fact, there really isn’t a compromise for that because basic, fundamental milestones are usually things that cannot be compromised on when one person is for and the other against.

In order to have a successful relationship with compromises along the way, you first have to NOT be willing to compromise on your values. (examples- wanting marriage, children, etc). Once you find a partner who wants those same fundamental things as you, then you are COMPATIBLE and you can compromise on the smaller aspects of those major milestones, like what kind of wedding you want or whether the house comes with a finished basement. Because no one couple agrees on everything and that’s okay.

Do you see what I mean?

The problem is that you are fundamentally incompatible: you want marriage, he does not. That is not something that you can compromise on unfortunately. There is no middle ground that I can see where you both will be 100% happy. You can’t be married to him and him not to you, or you both can’t be 50% married. Similarly, you cannot have half of a child (if you were with a man who wanted marriage but not kids and you wanted both marriage and kids, the relationship would still not work out because you would be incompatible with the children issue)

Have you ever heard of Nikki Bella and John Cena? They’re famous WWE wrestlers and Nikki Bella was on a reality show where it portrayed her relationship pretty much how yours is. She desperately wanted marriage, John did not. He was clear with her from day one and she thought he’d come around. They ended up getting engaged 6 years later, but they broke it off because they were fundamentally incompatible and I don’t think he truly wanted marriage and kids, he supposedly proposed to keep her.

DISCLAIMER- Obviously I don’t know them personally, just thought i’d use an example of a famous couple and how their story was portrayed in case it helps demonstrate what i’m trying to say.

Nikki and John Cena were adorable together. Super cute! Spent years together, she lived in his house and everyone loved them together. But in the end, they didn’t want the same fundamental things out of life and it was never going to work.

I fear the same is true for you.

Post # 73
Member
471 posts
Helper bee

professorbride :  I couldn’t even get past the first page. You say you aren’t neurotic in your relationship? I’d have to disagree. I don’t feel like he necessarily meant to lie about his ex hookup. But it’s not like she was a girlfriend he lied about. Maybe he didn’t think it was worth mentioning, like hey btw I used to bang that chick. Or maybe he was afraid of your reaction. You said you flipped out. Now you’re trying to back track saying you politely took him to the side and had a nice toned conversation? 

I agree with the pp who said that you decided what a good compromise for him is. I get you have anxiety, but you haven’t really been patient at all for “so long”. You haven’t even been together three years! You’ve only just had a serious conversation about marriage in August 2018. 

It wasn’t right of him to agree to August 2019 if he didn’t mean it. But most of what I read is all about what you want. It could be very possible he does want to marry you, but he is just not ready! Marriage needs to be something both parties are ready for, and if you aren’t willing to wait until that point then you do what you said you would do. 

Post # 74
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

After reading this thread, I would not want to marry you.

I’m going to go find a Xanax now.

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