2 months until end of timeline with no proposal in sight – panicking

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 77
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

just felt like pointing out if you have to lead and do all the work ring shopping, researching ringsl, reminding constantly for a proposal, then you will have to do all the work/planning in your future life together. I mean alot of women do it, but just wanted to remind you that that’s what you are signing up for.

I have to do so much reminding, planning, research for my husband bc he just doesn’t care as much as I do. BUT he did buy my engagement ring all on his own (after asking my preferences) and proposed after 2 years of dating, so at least I didn’t have to do THAT but there is alot of emotional labor and scheduling that many women have to do during their lives and it does get old and tiring.

Post # 78
Member
32 posts
Newbee

As someone who was strung along for just shy of 9 years (yes almost 9 years), break up.

I was also the same age as you when the break up happened, so starting over at 28/29 was scary.

I was in a similar boat. Had an agreed upon time line. I was very insecure and paranoid that he was not going to do it, so i kept asking for reassurance. He consistently promised me the agreed upon time line I’d have a ring. Even up until 10 days before the timeline, he said “it’s coming.” 

Come to find out a few days after that, he doesnt believe in marriage. That he was afraid to tell me cuz he didnt want to break up etc. I was crystal clear, I want to be married. He agreed to a time line, and would taunt me with comments like “How do you know i dont have a ring already?” It was cruel.

I waited. Much like you did to see if he’d just go through with it, when in my heart, i felt he wasn’t going to. my instict was spot on, something wasn’t right. I also felt very angry and resentful during that waiting period, and honeslty mourned the relationship during that ‘waiting’ time. 

He wanted to stay together, but not get married. I stuck to my values, in that I want marriage, so I was not willing to waste any more time on a relationship tht was going no where (there was a slew of maturity issues on his end tht also told me it’s not going anywhere).

The break up was scary initially. But it allowed me to learn ALOT about who i am, and what i do want. And that I will never let someone string me along again. And if someone truly wants to marry me, they will be upfront and excited about it. It won’t be soured by endless talks and arguments about not being engaged. Seeing other couples get engaged before us was a knife in my heart every single time.

I felt less than, when in reality, I deserved way better. 

 

The best thing I have done in my life is end that relationship. Honest to God.

 

I met my current boyfriend of almost a year, and am completely crazy in love with him. I have never been loved harder or better by anyone in my life. I truly feel I have met my soul mate. The man I will marry and should marry. He brought up marriage first to me, about 6 months into dating. It was such a relief to know we were on the same page, and that he is just as excited about marrying me one day as I am him. We are getting ready to move in togehter. We talk about our future constantly, and it’s exciting. Marriage is something we talk about alot, and he brings it up, on his own, an is genuinely excited. 

When i would picture marrying my ex, I felt sad. I’d be at other couples weddings and see how happy and in love they acted/seemed. I knew if we got married, it’d never feel that special or romantic. It’d be forced, and I’d end up sad and miserable. I was truly alone in that relationship in so many ways.

Now, the idea of getting married, I could cry with tears of joy. This man is the most wonderful caring man in the world. 

I am a believer in say what you mean, and stick to it. So do not back out if he fails to propose.

But also, think really long and hard about your future. Past the wedding day, will you hold resentment toward this person? Will you question his love for you because he made you wait so long?

Obviosuly, I am not in your relationship, so you need to choose what’s best for you. But I am speaking as someone who went through a similar situation (that was dragged out 3 times as long). And I can tell you right now, the scariest things I have done in my life have ended up being the things that have made me the happiest.

Leaving that relationship was scary because I felt comfortable. But it was the best thing I ever did. My boyfriend and I never would have met, and I’d feel really unfullfilled and resentful had I stayed with my ex.

Even if you stick around after the deadlines missed (if he misses it), can you trust someone who doesn’t stick to their word? 

 

Just alot to think about.

 

Best wishes, I know it’s not easy. It’s a very painful thing to go through. 

Post # 79
Member
34 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2019

Here’s the thing and I am sorry if it might seem harsh: he either doesn’t want to be married at all, or doesn’t want to be married to you (which sucks, but it happens). Can you live with the first scenario? Can you live with the second? If the answer is no to both, then you should break up. If the answer to one of those is yes, then you need to understand whether that’s the situation you’re in. My bestfriend always wanted to be married and her boyfriend is completely against it, but for her it’s more important to be with him. I think she will resent him at some point but that’s her decision and I support it.

Also, (and this is said by someone who dealt with anxiety), please be aware that until you keep the anxiety at bay (more therapy, meds, meditation, whatever it takes), this scenario will keep playing in other aspects of you life.

Post # 80
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

It sounds like you just aren’t compatible. You don’t respect him or his judgement, and you’re on different pages about important issues.

He is dead set on saving for a down payment – which is fine by me but really an unreasonable goal for the next 2-3 years.

If you’re both living at home with your parents and spending nothing on rent, then it’s absolutely possible to save for a down payment in 2-3 years. When you say this is an “unreasonable goal”, what you mean is that it isn’t your personal priority for spending that money because you want a big wedding and nice ring instead.

It’s important to note that it’s perfectly possible to buy an inexpensive engagement ring and get married at the courthouse. Shopping for an engagement ring doesn’t have to take months like you said it does. A proposal doesn’t have to be elaborately romantic.

I disagree to some extent with PPs who have said it’s not possible to compromise with someone who doesn’t care about marriage. He said from the outset that while he didn’t care, he was willing to get married if his partner wanted it. The compromise in this situation would be that you get married without all the bells and whistles, prioritizing the marriage over the wedding. But it seems like you were never willing to consider this.

I know logically he is incapable of planning anything that remotely resembles a surprise. His idea of a surprise is choosing a new restaraunt for us from yelp and then telling me we’re going to a new restaurant and wanting a trophy for his hard work.

You know who he is. You’re not going to change him into something different. The fact that he doesn’t do surprises doesn’t mean he’s a bad person, it just means he may not be compatible with you. You’re only deluding yourself if you keep fixating on an elaborate surprise proposal. Ask yourself whether you’d still want to marry this guy if he “just” took you out for a nice dinner and proposed there.

If he proposed in a thoughtful and romantic way, I would say yes (otherwise why am I even with him now).

You really need to think hard about that last part of your sentence. You already know who he is. He’s practical and not inclined toward romantic surprises. Is this who you want to spend your life with? As he is, unchanged? If not, why are you even with him now?

Post # 82
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

Don’t particularly blame you for stepping away from this thread but please take the advice you yourself sought and step away from this man!

He doesn’t want to marry you – he’s made that abundantly clear and you ignoring his words and actions are never going to change this.

You need to face up to what you already know – time to move on.  

Post # 83
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

professorbride :  “Like, once someone mentioned therapy, about 10 other people jumped in and attacked me about that…yeesh)”

Translation: Numerous Bees read OP’s post and her own toxic behaviour set off alarm bells, leading them to independently  express concern and suggest therapy. OP doesn’t pause to question whether perhaps her behaviour might be volatile, unreasonable & controlling and instead derisively turns Bees’ well meant advice into a jump-on-the-bandwagon attack. 

Yeesh indeed. 

Post # 84
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

crustyoldbee :  I actually didn’t understand why she thought my comment about trying therapy once came from other commenters until I read sassys comment after I posted. We just happened to come to the same conclusion separately

Post # 85
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

Sansa85 :  I based my own suggestion of therapy after reading her opening post which was alarming on several levels. And many of the Bees posting also shared their own experiences with anxiety and other issues, I truly don’t think anyone was attacking her. I’m a huge supporter of mental health awareness and would never use ‘seek therapy’ as an attack or a barb. I know sometimes it’s hard to hear but I do believe it was well intended by anyone who suggested it. 

Post # 86
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

professorbride :  You’re fixating on a few inaccurate things people have said, while ignoring the really salient point that almost everyone who’s read your post and updates has made: you do not seem to even like the person your Fiance is; thus, why do you want to marry him?

BookishBee :  Makes an excellent point at the end of her comment. Why would you be inclined to say yes to a thoughtful and romantic proposal, when this is NOT who your fiance is? Assuming he could even get it together to deliver that type of a proposal…what would it change? You will have had to drag him kicking and screaming to that point, will have had to micromanage the process every step of the way…because that’s who he is. The man you’ll be marrying is NOT the type of guy who’s going to deliver grand gestures or feel excitement about getting married to you…so why does forcing him to fake it for one night of your life change anything?

Post # 87
Member
4035 posts
Honey bee

professorbride :  You have a lot of misplaced anger. Be angry at the right person, your boyfriend, who is the one doing this to you. Being angry with us might feel good for a little while, as a vent, but it’s not going to get rid of your anger.

Post # 88
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I was very clear that I don’t care about the ring at this point, and I just want the commitment.

So he can go into a department store and buy a $10 ring.

I think ring shopping would take months because I am penny-pincher and I would never spend money without scouring the market for the best price.

This just doesn’t make sense alongside your previous statement. If you seriously wouldn’t make a $10 purchase without scouring the market for months to get the best price, then that sort of paralysis will cause problems throughout your life and you’ll need to find some way to get over it.

But I can’t help thinking that despite all your denials, you wouldn’t really be happy with a cheap ring. And in fact, this is what you’d said in your OP: I have enough to pay for a wedding and he has at least a few thousand saved for a ring. Somehow it just doesn’t paint a picture of someone who would be satisfied with a ring-less courthouse wedding.

we are low income so living at home for 2 years and saving every penny will still not be enough for a down payment on a house in my city

In your OP you said 2-3 years, and you said that he’d have a nearly six-figure income in 18 months, plus your income beginning after one year. And you’ve said you’re a super-saver with a decent amount of savings already. So again, your statements just don’t add up. Your current low income as students will not preclude you from saving for a down payment once the money starts coming in.

More importantly, though, it doesn’t matter what I think. It matters what he thinks, and he obviously thinks buying a place together is a priority. So you can either find a way to compromise (maybe a condo in the city or a house in the suburbs, if a house in the city is too expensive), or you can leave him and find someone who’s already on the same page as you.

Post # 89
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2007

Wait until the end of August and DO NOT mention the proposal or marriage at all, no matter how much he pisses you off. You DO NOT want a forced proposal from him. See if he comes through with a genuine proposal on his own and then agrees to a wedding date shortly thereafter (anyone can still propose with intension to just prolong setting a wedding date). Say, he does come through with a proposal but refuses to set a wedding date before the end of September, then dump him. If he’s worried about finaces offer to get married in the court house. You’ve waited long enough. If he still refuses, thats it.you’re forcing something not meant to be and he’s using you.

Post # 90
Member
10664 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

professorbride :  

Ask me anything about ketamine therapy.  I have had eight, two hour i.v. infusions thus far, and another six month booster coming up this week. The first six were back to back, ie consecutive days.  That’s pretty tiring.

The original plan was to treat neuropathic itching; it works great for neuropathic pain, so why not?

But, the benefits went far, far beyond that.

For two sessions, I had a clinic affiliated therapist sit with me.  That made an enormous difference for me and really increased the beneficial effects.

There is plenty of empirical data regarding its efficacy in treating depression, including treatment resistant; anxiety; PTSD (a spectacular 95% success rate); bipolar; neuropathy; fibromyalgia, and other conditions.  The wellness clinic I go to treats a veteran with phantom limb pain.

The real beauty of ketamine is the speed at which it works; hours, not weeks.

 

Here is a lot of good, accurate information.

 

https://revitalistclinic.com

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