2 months until end of timeline with no proposal in sight – panicking

posted 4 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 91
Member
10389 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

teamroro :  

Thank you for bringing up ketamine therapy, Bee. It has been a spectacular success for me.

Post # 92
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

I don’t know if you’ve read my thread but our situations have a lot of similarities with the exception that my partner and I have kids together. Pressuring someone to propose and get on board with wanting to build a life with you is exhausting and it takes a tremendous toll on your sense of stability and self esteem. If you are prone to anxiety, I think this type of relationship will make you more anxious and unstable. Why choose that when you can have a man who adores you and doesn’t require constant reminding, badgering etc. It is relatively easy for you to walk away (no kids, not living together, etc) at this point. If you need to give it every last chance, fine, I get it. Do not utter another word and see what he comes up with on his own. If he doesn’t propose by August, be strong and walk away. It will be challenging but you’ll make room for someone better: a man who makes you a better, calmer person and loves you so much he can’t wait to show his commitment to you. I wish you all the best

 

professorbride :  

Post # 93
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee

This has been exhausting to read, much less live through for both OP and her boyfriend. But the amount of time and effort that the Bees have invested to give such accurate and well thought of advice and for that to sting to the OP as criticism has been the most frustrating part of this thread.

I’ll add ond more thing: this guy may be scared of you. Like, literally apprehensive to stand up for himself and what he really thinks about things and feel like he can tell you and you wont cause nonstop passive aggressive or outright pestering arugment.  You’re very bossy, obstinate and think that you’re always right because YOU know best. For that reason, nothing anyone else says or thinks will matter, including all of the PPs and your poor bf.

I was once where you were, angry and resentful when someone pointed out my most hated flaws. But deep down I only hated the person pointing it out to me because I knew it was the truth and I didnt want to face it. You may wish to bury your head in the sand and pretend you’re not anything like I was, but this is at the peril of your own future relationships remaining healthy and thriving.

If I were you, I’d stop blocking out the posters who commented above as ‘repetitive’ and go back and read EVERY single post. There were many posters whose advice was spot on, coming from the right place and very very wise for you to follow. Dont step away from this thread, if you truly want to fix the problem, step forward.

 

Also the fact that you’d call him halfway through this thread, after SEVERAL posters told you to leave the proposal topic alone, and after you yourself said that you’d try not to bring it up, and then to badger him for something that still has a couple of months left to flesh out, shows how out of control your self-restraint is. At this point I’d tell the guy to get out.

Post # 95
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I think timelines are ok, however creating that amount of unhealthy stress for you and him is not the best, I know people don’t like to be hounded about something they are working towards… maybe he was waiting for a bonus from work or something and in the meantime you’re freaking out about it…. I am sure it will all play out how it is supposed to! JEALOUS that you are going to Greece! 

Enjoy and Good Luck!

Post # 96
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

 @professorbride Your situation reminds me a bit of my own relationship with Darling Husband, with me being the type A and him being type B, laid back and not a planner (except on rare occasions!). Look at the first comment I got and the 36 upvotes! No one really knows your relationship except for what you say, so take everything only so far as it helps you process:

bee1

https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/finally-happy-yet-worried-hell-be-embarrassed/

Opposites do attract for a good reason – you have to appreciate the other person’s flaws are also their strengths – imagine if both people were Type A worriers! He tells me to chill all the time and I make him put things on our shared calendar. 🙂

If he is showing signs of coming around, and YOU BOTH STILL LOVE EACH OTHER enough to keep working together on the relationship and moving forward by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you are doing great. Waiting is hurtful, stressful, and honestly one of the more annoying tests of a relationship because it is ALL about the relationship (go or no go??). Almost every single lady I’ve spoken to in real life has confessed to pushing for the marriage.

Now hubby even said that guys (in his words) need the push because, “why would [he] change anything if he’s too comfortable”. And I was like hmmm did I make it uncomfortable enough?? 😀 Cue head nod and giant smirk. I hope everything works out for you, fingers crossed for the trip or afterwards, don’t worry if it’s not on trip, some guys don’t want to do it on unfamiliar territory.

Post # 97
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

It sounds to me like you’re both mothering and smothering him. Rapid weight gain is a legitimate problem, but researching diets will only help if he’s willing to do them. He’s not ready to get married, but you keep pushing. It is a good sign that he went ring shopping with you, and maybe all will be well, but do you think you’ll really be happy with someone so laid back? You seem really intense. Is it going to drive you crazy in other aspects of life when he is laid back and you’re such a planner? Do you see yourself pushing and molding him to do and be better all the time? Would you really be happy in that kind of relationship? It would be horrid if he went ring shopping with you and didn’t follow through, but it may be for the best. I have a neurotic personality too. I don’t mean this in a mean way, but I can’t help but question if you have complementary personalities. 

Post # 98
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

professorbride :  I like your update so far! It sounds like he is on board with marrying you and getting more comfortable with the idea of a proposal and you are creating a breathing space for him. I can tell it is hard to not overtalk about things with him but like I said if he brings it up.. it is fair game lol. And honestly if I have a question I will ask it and once I get my answer I end the conversation about it… and lately to my surprise he has been continuing the conversation. I think it is important for you to still feel you are able to talk and discuss with him. But it is a balance. But anyways he asked for input on what you liked ring wise. I think its okay to tell him what you like and ask if he would like to see some examples.

Are you sold on having a diamond? Diamonds are just not for me and I told my boyfriend that. I offered an alternative (moissanite) and basically said this size, this cut, not a diamond. I do NOT want a diamond. lol So if you really want a different stone, it is okay to tell him that. That was one of the first things I mentioned when we first talked about it. And he will bring it up all the time “She does not want a diamond.” It is easier to say “I got this because it is what she wanted” then “I got this because diamonds were too much money”. PLUS… best part. Moissanites you can get off ebay for such a good price and they are so pretty lol. I may have a small collection of them that I plan on making into jewelry for myself, my mom and my sister. I cannot tell the difference between them and diamonds either. I think I got mine from anywhere around $10 to $50USD. I would be totally okay with boyfriend using one of those for my ring as well (which I told him) but he wants to get one himself so far. The cheapest one we have found from a jeweler was $350USD and the other one at a local jeweller was $700-1000CAD. 

It just sounds like you are in a better place. But careful with censoring yourself too much. You should still be able to discuss 🙂 especially if he brings it up. Enjoy your trip! 

So funny story re:going on a trip when you expect a proposal. My SIL told me it. Back before he proposed we went on a family Mediterranean cruise. We arrived in Spain and had a few days before getting to the boat so we were just exploring. We went up the Sagrada Família. Giant unfinished church with lots of points you could go out and see a beautiful view of the city. So my brother tells her to go out on a ledge so he could take a picture. As she turns around he is down on one knee……she had an omg this is it moment… before realizing he was TIEING HIS FREAKING SHOELACE lol. Ohhhhh brother of mine lol. Anyways she was saying that during the whole trip little things like that happened and she was so sure it was happening. BUT he didn’t do it until months later at Christmas. So basically she had a nice trip but was kind of tainted because she kept thinking it was going to happen. Soooo enjoy your trip and focus on making memories. If it happens then cool but if it doesn’t thats okay. You will have a great trip. And headsup people will put ideas in your head and you will need to ignore them. “Oh he will for sure propose while you are there….” “You will come back with a ring on your finger”.

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