2 months until end of timeline with no proposal in sight – panickingposted 4 months ago in Waiting
- 4 months ago
I don’t know if you’ve read my thread but our situations have a lot of similarities with the exception that my partner and I have kids together. Pressuring someone to propose and get on board with wanting to build a life with you is exhausting and it takes a tremendous toll on your sense of stability and self esteem. If you are prone to anxiety, I think this type of relationship will make you more anxious and unstable. Why choose that when you can have a man who adores you and doesn’t require constant reminding, badgering etc. It is relatively easy for you to walk away (no kids, not living together, etc) at this point. If you need to give it every last chance, fine, I get it. Do not utter another word and see what he comes up with on his own. If he doesn’t propose by August, be strong and walk away. It will be challenging but you’ll make room for someone better: a man who makes you a better, calmer person and loves you so much he can’t wait to show his commitment to you. I wish you all the best
- 4 months ago
This has been exhausting to read, much less live through for both OP and her boyfriend. But the amount of time and effort that the Bees have invested to give such accurate and well thought of advice and for that to sting to the OP as criticism has been the most frustrating part of this thread.
I’ll add ond more thing: this guy may be scared of you. Like, literally apprehensive to stand up for himself and what he really thinks about things and feel like he can tell you and you wont cause nonstop passive aggressive or outright pestering arugment. You’re very bossy, obstinate and think that you’re always right because YOU know best. For that reason, nothing anyone else says or thinks will matter, including all of the PPs and your poor bf.
I was once where you were, angry and resentful when someone pointed out my most hated flaws. But deep down I only hated the person pointing it out to me because I knew it was the truth and I didnt want to face it. You may wish to bury your head in the sand and pretend you’re not anything like I was, but this is at the peril of your own future relationships remaining healthy and thriving.
If I were you, I’d stop blocking out the posters who commented above as ‘repetitive’ and go back and read EVERY single post. There were many posters whose advice was spot on, coming from the right place and very very wise for you to follow. Dont step away from this thread, if you truly want to fix the problem, step forward.
Also the fact that you’d call him halfway through this thread, after SEVERAL posters told you to leave the proposal topic alone, and after you yourself said that you’d try not to bring it up, and then to badger him for something that still has a couple of months left to flesh out, shows how out of control your self-restraint is. At this point I’d tell the guy to get out.
- 3 months ago
I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice again. I took a few weeks to think about it all – especially about the many comments on my anxiety/controlling behavior and aggrsesiveness and how it manifests into the relationship, including how it may have caused my BF stress/fear/etc, and how many of you were exhausted reading all this. I also have been trying to strengthen my self-restraint and to practice setting healthy boundaries. My mind hasn’t been on the proposal as much for the past week or so, since we had a fun, long fourth of july weekend.
In case anyone was interested in an update, a week after my last post, we did go ring shopping and he was the one who planned it. We went to get “educated” about diamonds and get a run-through of the important things to consider. The entire time we were there, he was smiling at me and joking with the saleswoman in good humor. At one point, he saw the price of a gold setting (~$1,000) and joked that if the entire ring cost that much, he would’ve already bought me several.
Since then, he has dropped some lines like “well c’mon and do some more research and tell me what you want!” (imagine this in a funny tone). I told him I don’t necessarily want to pick the exact diamond, but I’d like him to have an idea of my preferences (i.e. cut>carat). I haven’t said much more than that, and I’m really trying not to pressure him anymore since I am starting to get the sense that his hesitation is almost entirely due to money. I don’t want an expensive ring, but the married women in our circle of friends (literally all of them are wives of his friends since none of my very close female friends have married yet) have 1.5-2 ct rings. I wonder if he’s feeling embarassed to give me something small because of THEIR expectations/social media/family pressure etc. It makes me feel guilty. I want to suggest a lab diamond but I think I am done making suggestions out of fear of overstepping a boundary and embarassing him further. I do not want anything that big, and I’ve said it in the past, so I hope he remembers.
If you all remember, we are planning to go abroad in August. He did mention in passing something about “how would he afford this trip and a ring” this year. Today he spent 6 hours (FROM 3PM TO 9PM i kid you not – he got home from work at 2pm and didn’t even eat dinner until 10:30) researching the best prices he could find. It was nice to see him doing the research for a change, and even nicer that he did it without me asking him to and in good spirits. He was really adamant about going during my birthday, even though mid-August is the most expensive of all options we had. I’m trying not to read into it and expect the proposal then. I want to avoid that thought because I know it will distract me from enjoying the trip.
Bottom line – I’m not sure if it will happen by the timeline but I wanted to share the mainly positive updates with you all. I really am working hard on self-soothing, for lack of a better term.
To address some older comments on the thread about him not wanting to ever get married: I think there is a huge difference between not wanting to vs wanting to vs neutrality/going along with it, as some of you have pointed it. It would be pretty much unthinkable in our culture to not get married, so this was always in the cards for him. His major issues have always been about the ridiculous costs and extravagance of a wedding, and although he isn’t necessarily excited to pick out shades of wedding linens, he seems to pretty much accept that this would be part of his life since he keeps choosing to date women in our culture even though we live in the very diverse NY. (he has literally joked about this in the past). Some of you have wondered if this would be enough for me – it certainly isn’t ideal but I’m also not the type of woman who has a wedding pinterest or cares about any of the wedding details tbh save for the commitment/marriage part of it, so I’m hoping it won’t be too annoying/that he’ll come on board when we start doing things like food-tasting/planning a honeymoon. Anyway, these things are still not even set in stone so I don’t want to discuss that far ahead.
Edit – also totally forgot to mention that we went to his cousin’s wedding and I overheard him telling her father that he would do something within a month like he promised…And the entire time we were there he was joking, saying things like “that’s going to be me at our wedding” (when the bride was walking down the aisle and everyone immediately starting oohing and aahing), etc. Also, his mother kept (jokingly!) telling us to get married already because she’s wants to take off work for a legitimate reason and pay for part of a destination wedding (and if we don’t want one, she’ll just throw a destination party before the wedding lol). This could all just be in jest, so I’m still trying not to get my hopes up/focus on this too much.
- 3 months ago
- Wedding: September 2016
I think timelines are ok, however creating that amount of unhealthy stress for you and him is not the best, I know people don’t like to be hounded about something they are working towards… maybe he was waiting for a bonus from work or something and in the meantime you’re freaking out about it…. I am sure it will all play out how it is supposed to! JEALOUS that you are going to Greece!
Enjoy and Good Luck!
- 3 months ago
- Wedding: City, State
@professorbride Your situation reminds me a bit of my own relationship with Darling Husband, with me being the type A and him being type B, laid back and not a planner (except on rare occasions!). Look at the first comment I got and the 36 upvotes! No one really knows your relationship except for what you say, so take everything only so far as it helps you process:
Opposites do attract for a good reason – you have to appreciate the other person’s flaws are also their strengths – imagine if both people were Type A worriers! He tells me to chill all the time and I make him put things on our shared calendar. 🙂
If he is showing signs of coming around, and YOU BOTH STILL LOVE EACH OTHER enough to keep working together on the relationship and moving forward by putting yourself in the other person’s shoes, you are doing great. Waiting is hurtful, stressful, and honestly one of the more annoying tests of a relationship because it is ALL about the relationship (go or no go??). Almost every single lady I’ve spoken to in real life has confessed to pushing for the marriage.
Now hubby even said that guys (in his words) need the push because, “why would [he] change anything if he’s too comfortable”. And I was like hmmm did I make it uncomfortable enough?? 😀 Cue head nod and giant smirk. I hope everything works out for you, fingers crossed for the trip or afterwards, don’t worry if it’s not on trip, some guys don’t want to do it on unfamiliar territory.
- 3 months ago
- Wedding: October 2020
It sounds to me like you’re both mothering and smothering him. Rapid weight gain is a legitimate problem, but researching diets will only help if he’s willing to do them. He’s not ready to get married, but you keep pushing. It is a good sign that he went ring shopping with you, and maybe all will be well, but do you think you’ll really be happy with someone so laid back? You seem really intense. Is it going to drive you crazy in other aspects of life when he is laid back and you’re such a planner? Do you see yourself pushing and molding him to do and be better all the time? Would you really be happy in that kind of relationship? It would be horrid if he went ring shopping with you and didn’t follow through, but it may be for the best. I have a neurotic personality too. I don’t mean this in a mean way, but I can’t help but question if you have complementary personalities.
- 3 months ago
professorbride : I like your update so far! It sounds like he is on board with marrying you and getting more comfortable with the idea of a proposal and you are creating a breathing space for him. I can tell it is hard to not overtalk about things with him but like I said if he brings it up.. it is fair game lol. And honestly if I have a question I will ask it and once I get my answer I end the conversation about it… and lately to my surprise he has been continuing the conversation. I think it is important for you to still feel you are able to talk and discuss with him. But it is a balance. But anyways he asked for input on what you liked ring wise. I think its okay to tell him what you like and ask if he would like to see some examples.
Are you sold on having a diamond? Diamonds are just not for me and I told my boyfriend that. I offered an alternative (moissanite) and basically said this size, this cut, not a diamond. I do NOT want a diamond. lol So if you really want a different stone, it is okay to tell him that. That was one of the first things I mentioned when we first talked about it. And he will bring it up all the time “She does not want a diamond.” It is easier to say “I got this because it is what she wanted” then “I got this because diamonds were too much money”. PLUS… best part. Moissanites you can get off ebay for such a good price and they are so pretty lol. I may have a small collection of them that I plan on making into jewelry for myself, my mom and my sister. I cannot tell the difference between them and diamonds either. I think I got mine from anywhere around $10 to $50USD. I would be totally okay with boyfriend using one of those for my ring as well (which I told him) but he wants to get one himself so far. The cheapest one we have found from a jeweler was $350USD and the other one at a local jeweller was $700-1000CAD.
It just sounds like you are in a better place. But careful with censoring yourself too much. You should still be able to discuss 🙂 especially if he brings it up. Enjoy your trip!
So funny story re:going on a trip when you expect a proposal. My SIL told me it. Back before he proposed we went on a family Mediterranean cruise. We arrived in Spain and had a few days before getting to the boat so we were just exploring. We went up the Sagrada Família. Giant unfinished church with lots of points you could go out and see a beautiful view of the city. So my brother tells her to go out on a ledge so he could take a picture. As she turns around he is down on one knee……she had an omg this is it moment… before realizing he was TIEING HIS FREAKING SHOELACE lol. Ohhhhh brother of mine lol. Anyways she was saying that during the whole trip little things like that happened and she was so sure it was happening. BUT he didn’t do it until months later at Christmas. So basically she had a nice trip but was kind of tainted because she kept thinking it was going to happen. Soooo enjoy your trip and focus on making memories. If it happens then cool but if it doesn’t thats okay. You will have a great trip. And headsup people will put ideas in your head and you will need to ignore them. “Oh he will for sure propose while you are there….” “You will come back with a ring on your finger”.
- 3 months ago
tulipbee : Thank you so much for the positivity and the personal anecdote!! And yes, most of the women I know have been very direct about expectations (which seems to be the opposite of the experiences that bees post about!)
jeshicat : Lol your story made me roll my eyes bec I could so picture my bf getting down on one to tie his shoe just to mess with me. I am not even sure about the diamond anymore. Hear me out because I have an update:
Today we went ring shopping again. He actually called me last night to say his boss gave him a day off work (due to very bad weather in nyc) and he asked if I wanted to look at some more rings!! We went this morning to a great store recommended by bees/yelp. I tried on a few round and oval solitaires but I honestly was so overwhelmed even after weeks and weeks of research!!! I don’t know what I want. I think going to the store made me very confused about my ring preferences both shape + size. Has anyone ever felt this way? Also, I had a huge stomach ache hearing those prices even though I already literally knew the price ranges of all types of diamonds from 1-1.5 cts in different quality cuts/colors. Somehow, being there in person with my Boyfriend or Best Friend made everything so real that it scared me to consider spending so much money on a stone. I still feel queesy hours later about making such a big purchase and it isn’t even my money – though of course, at some point our finances will be tied.
I have always wanted a classic round solitaire diamond. Now I’m worried I’ll feel uneasy if he spends that kind of money. I don’t want a moissanite but I would seriously consider a lab diamond.
I don’t know if I should bring this up again to him because I have a strong feeling that he will return to buy something very soon (he works around the block from the diamond district coincidentally!) The diamond we were considering at the store was a beautiful 1.3 ct VS1 GIA J in our price range – but I’m worried about the color being too warm and wondering if its “worth it” or if I’ll regret such a purchase.
I sound like my old anxiety-riddled self, I know – but I haven’t talked to him about any of this because ultimately I want it to be his decision. He wants to buy it when I’m not there, and he wants the proposal to be unexpected (not a surprise at this point so I think unexpected is a word that fits better).
- 3 months ago
- Wedding: September 2017
professorbride : If you want it to be his decision, but you’re anxious about the quality/color of the stone and the price, my strong suggestion is to do the research yourself and send him a few you’d be happy with for him to choose from so you’re still surprised and he’s still involved, but he’s not being set up to fail or disappoint you. This could include a smaller antique diamond, a lab diamond, etc. Just give him the information without overwhelming him. Don’t get in a situation like the other poster on here this week who wants to change her ring and have her husband pay for the change or split the cost. Try to help him get it right the first time.
The proposal itself can still be unexpected and he can do it in a romantic and personal way, even if you already know (or have a good idea of) what the ring looks like.
- 3 months ago
- Wedding: September 2019 - Brooklyn, NY
professorbride : Per your own account, you “sat him down and told him the usual – we work well together, we are old enough, and it is something I want in my life/it is time to take the next stpe.” Do you want to be engaged because you truly want HIM to be your partner for the rest of your life, or because you think you should be engaged / married by now? Those are two different things…
- 3 months ago
mrsptobe2017 : I saw that post about changing the ring. I think my issue is a bit different because spending money is the thing that is stressing me the most. Boyfriend told me he wanted to do his own research too actually! I think going in person to the store made him realize that buying a diamond should come with a bit of research beforehand, and not just by me, but byhim as well. Hopefully he is able to determine what a good deal is. It’s weird – I was so overwhelmed by choices that I kind of just want him to choose FOR me now. I only know 100% that i want a solitaire band and a stone between 1-1.5.ct. Allowing him to choose the specs of the diamond would be a relief for me.
brooklyngal : I know that statement sounds cold and lacking in the romance factor. I definitely want him to be my partner, but sometimes the way I express myself seems kind of robotic or detached.
- 3 months ago
professorbride : mine did his own research, stone, shape, cut etc. I never really knew what i wanted, except it’s shiny bling bling. He saw my reluctance to leave the Topkapi museum after seeing the 88ct diamond so he knows the bling factor was important. I was surprised with a marquise solitaire. Wasn’t looking for the size, but thought my stone is just right. Just like my SO being just right despite the downs we’re going through these days. I was certainly touched by his quiet research on diamonds. Made him a pro on what’s best for the money he spent. P/S my ring is less than a carat, and I am still proud of it.
All the best, it’ll turn out alright 🙂
- 1 month ago
So…how did everything turn out?