Post # 1
My fiancé has two sisters. One is very similar to me, and we get along. She’s only had positive things to say about the wedding, and was asked to sing during the ceremony. She makes an effort to have a relationship with me, and in turn, I do the same. His other sister is the polar opposite. She has never made a substantial effort to get to know me outside of social media, or occasionally talking to me at family gatherings. For example, she won’t even return my “good morning” if we run into each other in the kitchen in the morning, instead she just shoves around me. The last time we talked about anything I was planning for the wedding, she called half of it weird or stupid. But in front of family, she puts on a fake “I’m so excited” and describes all the things SHE is doing at my wedding (like reading a poem she wrote- total news to us). My fiancé (her own brother), doesn’t even like her, and has said if it’s easier, to just not invite her to the wedding (but I think that might be going too far). Needless to say, we don’t get along. But her mother (my future mother in law) doesn’t get that. Coming from a large, freaky close family, she doesn’t get that you don’t have to like all the members of your family. It’s starting to be a problem for both my fiancé and me.
Future Mother-In-Law keeps trying to insert the second sister into the wedding, and even argues “you cannot use one sister but not the other”. This is the reason neither one are bridesmaids. His mother will justify sister two’s bratty behavior, even ADMIT it’s bratty, with a “but that’s just the way she is”. But with her continued negativity, I do not want sister 2 involved. Sister 1 makes an effort, and is my friend, so it makes sense to me she IS involved. Second sister herself hasn’t talked to me about being involved, outside of what she brags to others at family gatherings, it’s all her mother needing everyone to get along.
I have two concerns. The first would be before events like the wedding shower or the bachelorette party. How much does sister two have to be involved, can I invite one sister to my bachelorette party but not the other, or how to deal with her negativity at these events. The second would be what if my mother in law (or sister 2) plans a “surprise” from sister two at the wedding just so she’s involved. Sister 2 would do something like this just to get the spotlight on her, even though she knows we’re not close. Should I talk to her (mother in law) about NOT doing this, or ask my fiancé to? Since I really wouldn’t put it past either of them to do something like this. I know there might be fallout, but is it worth it excluding her, since this girl will probably not have anything to do with my life after the wedding unless it gives her a chance to be the center of attention or martyr herself in the eyes of her family. I guess I just have to accept that to them I will be the bad guy. Any advice or tips on dealing with these upcoming events and potential drama?
Post # 2
I would provide the basic courtesies of inviting her to things like bridal shower and bachelorette party because she is family. There will be enough people there, along with members of her own family, that you won’t have to have much contact with her there. With respect to your wedding, I think your fiancé needs to talk with his mom and explain that while you two are happy that she’ll be joining you, you unfortunately can’t have every single person have a starring role in the ceremony/reception etc. you’ve decided to have sister 1 sing because you think it will add a lot to the guests experience, and that since you are both close to her as a couple, it’s important to you for her to have a role. I would just leave it at that. If your Future Mother-In-Law arranges for sister 2 to have a *surprise* role on your wedding day, that’s just straight up rude. I would be incredibly displeased.
Post # 3
Honestly, it sounds from what you’ve said like it’s far more trouble to exclude her than to give her invites and let her read a poem. Would it really do that much damage?
What does sister 1 think?
Post # 4
Sister 1 says she (as the youngest) doesn’t want to pick between sisters, but she does see where I’m coming from. Which is fine, because I wouldn’t want her to choose, as long as she will at least acknowledge my side, I can respect that.
The bachelorette party was going to be small, so she would be noticable if she was there.
Last time she read a poem, it was over thirty minutes of kindergarten level writing, most of it in “I” sentences, for her grandparents 60th anniversary – it went on forever, and had a coordinating slide show. If it was genuine sentiment toward us I wouldn’t mind. But she doesn’t have a relationship with her brother or me at all, so how could it be?
I dunno, I’m so used to her being a bratty drama queen that it’s stressing me out. But maybe it would be worse to exclude her.
Post # 5
weddingbellsring: Maybe you both could ask her if she would like to make a very short (1-2 minute) toast? Maybe be the bigger person and get both of the sisters a corsage?
Post # 6
weddingbellsring: I think the best way to keep the peace with your Mother-In-Law would to be to have your SIL involved in some clearly defined way. Don’t give her a job where she has creative latitude, such as a poem or toast she wrote herself – that is a recipe for disaster. For instance, can you ask her to do a reading of your choice? I realize it’s not exactly ideal given your lack of relationship with her, but if it’s what is needed to avoid a rift with your Mother-In-Law or your SIL somehow interjecting herself in an unexpected and inappropriate way to seek attention, I think it’s worth it.
Also, for the shower and bachelorette, yeah…I think you really need to invite her if you invite the other sister, especially to the shower. If she doesn’t want a relationship with you anyway, hopefully she’ll skip the bachelorette at least, since it doesn’t sound like be other people there she wants to be a martyr in front of.
Post # 7
OMG i was all for, oh let her do stuff and just grin and bear it But…
“Last time she read a poem, it was over thirty minutes of kindergarten level writing, most of it in “I” sentences, for her grandparents 60th anniversary – it went on forever, and had a coordinating slide show”
is a total nightmare. I’d have her the the pre-parties . Even if they are small you can ignore her nonsense and let other people deal if necessary. Excluding her will make for big trouble from Future Mother-In-Law, the sort that will be alluded to for years .
But , get Fiance (and is there a FFIL?) to veto any possibility of that dreadful poem situation . Is is absolutely impossible to get the ‘good’ Future Sister-In-Law to not sing after all, so as to look more ‘fair’ ? Seriously, I’d do pretty much anything not to have that peom……
Post # 8
Invite her of course to any shower but I don’t think you are obligated to include her in a bachelorette party. Of course your Mother-In-Law just won’t get it but that is kind of too bad.