(Closed) 2 wks to wedding…BM is a nightmare!

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
3943 posts
Honey bee

So let me get this straight-Your bridesmaid dresses cost $350, you had a 3 day bachelorette party in Vegas, and she gave you $200 as a gift…and youre mad at HER? Your bridesmaid is right…you are acting like a bridezilla.

She has already put out a ton of money for your wedding. She isnt required to pay for hair and makeup. If you want her to get it done-then you pay for it. And just  because youre spending $20K on a wedding doesnt give you the right to demand your bridesmaids spend extra money.

Post # 4
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Um… I’m on the bridesmaids side on this one. $350 for a dress is crazypants. Also, hair and makeup should be optional unless the bride is footing the bill. If you kick her out I think you need to compensate her for her dress, alterations and VERY generous gift.

Post # 5
23 posts
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Kimberlybc: I just posted something similar on the boards… my BMs cost were MUCH lower than yours however, and I didn’t have a Bachelorette party. My sister who had no job at the time and my mother paid for my Shower that my Maid/Matron of Honor was SUPPOSED to be throwing. Anyway. Now they are all complaining (except my sister) about having to pay $80-$100 for hair. I know you can’t *require* anyone to pay for anything, but if they agree to be in your wedding and you let them know your plans up front, they can’t say they didn’t see the costs coming. If you want her out, you want her out. You won’t be happy on your wedding day if she’s there.. and even if it hurts your frienship, if she truly was your friend she wouldn’t be acting like this.

Post # 6
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

If it were me, I would not be trying to kick out someone two weeks before the wedding, especially since she has put in a lot of money towards your wedding. You are lucky that you have other bridesmaids that support you and have to understand that not everyone wants to shell out big bucks for your wedding, regardless of how much money they make. She has her own expenses/budget and unless you were completely upfront about the costs, she has every right to decline some expenses. 

What a bummer on your Vegas trip! However, would it have been an option for her just to stay home? At least she came out to support you to both of your bachelorette parties which I think is a lot. 

I think it depends on the person but I also end up redoing my hair after I get it done at a salon. I’m with PPs that you can’t force a bridesmaid to dish out for the formal experience. You have 5 other bridesmaids and all the focus is going to be on you during your special day! 

Ultimately, she needs to be there for you on your wedding day and that seems like what she is prepared to do. You are going to be so excited on your day that she isn’t going to cross your mind. However, if you don’t want to include her in your wedding, I think that you do need to reimburse her for what she spent and let her know as soon as possible so you get the drama over with! Try not to stress out too much the next 2 weeks. Let us know what you end up doing and congrats!

Post # 7
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@Bostongrl25: I’m with you!

This Bridesmaid or Best Man already spent a TON of money on you, and you’re now going to tell her 2 weeks before the wedding that she needs to step down? That’s more than a little cold, and you can bet on the friendship ending. You asked this friend to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man for a reason…try to remember that when you’re asking her to step down.

Post # 8
5670 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sure you are not a bridezilla and are just under a lot of stress. I know I was very stressed out two weeks before my wedding and even the smallest things seem like a huge deal. She has already done so much and spent a significant amount of money. I think it’s wrong to kick someone out of the wedding because they don’t want to pay to have their hair professionally done. Is she good at hair and makeup? Does she usually look very nice and put together? If so I wouldn’t worry about it. I’m sure she will look nice and won’t come to your wedding not put together.

Post # 9
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Seriously? Do you not hear yourself. Totally Bridezilla here.  You can not demand anyone to get their hair and make up done unless you are paying for it. She has already shelled out over 500 on you and you are complaining? Holy cow.  If I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man of yours I would be not a happy camper.  Just relax your wedding is coming up.

Post # 10
14496 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I have to agree with Bridesmaid or Best Man also.  If Vegas is not her thing, she STILL spent money on the plane ticket to go and spend *some* time with you guys.  If she didn’t want to do everything, that’s really her choice.  Maybe she should have spoke up earlier and said Vegas isnt for her and not gone, but that probably wouldn’t have boiled over too well either, cause you could still be here today complaining that she didnt go and therefore didnt help pay for anything. 

Umm.. she spend $350 on a dress + alterations AND has given you a $200 gift??  That’s alot already! Does she norally do her own hair and make up?  Could she actually do a good (enough) job?  Maybe she doesnt make as much as you think and actually has money issues?  Maybe she’s really good with money and just wants to spend it how she sees fit – and paying for hair/mu is not one of those thing she sees as worth it if she can do it herself.  I’ve paid for my hair to be done and did not like it and totally thought it was a waste, it would have looked better in my everyday style. And I’ve had some AWFUL ‘professional’ make up applications.   Maybe she has valid reason for not wanting to pay for something she can do herself.

I think kicking her out is extreme based on this info.  Unless theres more to the story about her that wasnt covered here.

Post # 11
88 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ah the stress the stress…..I would say to just deal with her.  Like others have said the focus on your day will be about you.  You are marrying the person you love and it will be a beautiful thing.  That’s all that matters.  Sometimes our visions can become blurred and things don’t work out how you planned but remember the reason why everyone is coming and you are there.  Use your strength and stick it out till the wedding.  

Post # 12
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Regardless of the costs and hair and makeup issue as mentioned above, I think you clearly feel that this Bridesmaid or Best Man has not been nearly as supportive as you wanted, that is upsetting, of course.

The issue is whether or not she should be kept on as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or not and with two weeks before the wedding, I don’t believe it’s in the best interest of EVERYTHING to kick her out.  I know the other BM’s aren’t very impressed with her, but if you and Maid/Matron of Honor can refocus everyone towards each other and the wonderful ladies THEY are, then you’ll have a much happier day.

All the stuff: Vegas, money, helping is in the past and there isn’t much you can do to change it.  Just focus on getting married and enjoying your day; that one Bridesmaid or Best Man can’t ruin that herself.

Post # 13
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

The dress does seem a little pricey and I know she doesn’t want to pay for hair and makeup so just let her be and do alone. Why would you stress that on your wedding day? I don’t think she’s just into saving the money, I think she’s not liking having to oblige vs having an option.

However her behavior of not choosing to be involved here and there is questionable. She already has given you a nice gift and the wedding is close, you don’t want to ask her to leave now and give yourself more drama. I’d call her and tell her how you feel about her leaving early and missing out on part of the festivities, then let her explain herself. Both of you guys venting should help.

Post # 14
1231 posts
Bumble bee

wowwww…that is alot of money to spend on someone else’s wedding! I can understand the other bm being upset because they had to pick up the slack for her but at the same time, you wanted to go to Vegas and that ain’t cheap! Maybe you could have pitched in for it? Yes, she agreed to be in your wedding, but I don’t think she agreed to go into debt for your wedding.  You are spending $20k and your getting married, its your party.

I mean think about it, she probably spent at least a grand on you and what does she actually get out of it? kicked out and one less friend I guess.


Post # 15
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I agree that at this point, you really can’t ask her to step down, especially since she has so much invested.  She may make a lot of money, but it’s HER money and how she spends it (or doesn’t), is up to her.  What if she’s saving for a house, or a car, or a $20,000 wedding of her own?  A 3-day Vegas trip is a pretty large bachlorette party, and a lot more expensive than say, hitting up a few local bars or a strip club with your girlfriends.  Vegas isn’t her thing, but she went anyway to support you.  I personally wouldn’t have wanted to spend $10-15 for drinks either, especially when factoring in the other costs of the trip.  Looking at what you’ve written, I would think you are being a bit of a bridezilla…$350 for a dress plus alterations, a 3-day bachelorette in Vegas and all the costs associated with that, expecting them to have their hair and make-up professionally done, (I assume you expect your BMs to foot the bill for that?)…you’re talking a huge chunk of change that you have pretty much demanded they pay.  Really, other than complaining, what has she done that is so terrible? 

Have you tried TALKING to her?  Call her or ask her out for coffee, thank her for all she’s done for you so far.  Tell her what your expectations are for her behavior at the wedding, (that you don’t want it to be a free-for-all-booze-fest).  Tell her you realize you have been a bit of a bridezilla, and you appreciate the effort she has made to support you.

If you DO ask her to step down, you need to reimburse her for her expenses and return the gift she made to your registry.  Are the cluth and necklace you purchased as gifts returnable?  If so, return them and use that money as part of her reimbursement.

Ultimately, a wedding is ONE day.  Are you willing to throw away a friendship for ONE DAY?  I guess you need to weigh the years of friendship and the other things she had done for you against the poor way you feel she’s acted.  

Post # 16
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I actually understand where you’re coming from. I don’t agree with others that you’re being a bridezilla, I think in your circle spending a lot of $ to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man is normal and expected. So ultimately what you’re upset about is the lack of enthusiasm she’s showing for you on such an important day.

First of all, I guarantee you on your wedding day you won’t care about what you’re BM’s are doing. As long as they show up on time for pictures and to walk down the aisle, the only thing you’ll be thinking about is getting married. And after you say “I Do” the BM’s disappear anyway and it’s just you and your new husband from there on out.

Second, the best piece of advice I can give you in order to get through this situation is focus on the positive things this Bridesmaid or Best Man has done for you so far instead of getting mad about the negatives. Everyone will show support for you in different ways. Vegas might not be her thing, but maybe she gives you good advice or says supporting things. She’s already purchased her dress and gotten alterations, so obviously she is dedicated to being your Bridesmaid or Best Man. And I’m sure you have some kind of history with her you can remember why you’re friends in the first place.

And really at the end of the day, how important is it that you all get professional hair and makeup? The majority of photos you will frame are going to be of only you and your husband. And you can’t really tell in pictures from far away if someones had professional makeup or not. I would just have faith that she can do a good job on her hair and worry about more important things like the seating chart.

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