Post # 1
I’m going through the worst time in my life and I’m deserpate for support. My husband and I dated for 10 years (met around the age of 18). Our relationship was rare in that every year seemed to get better and we never broke up! Our families and friend have grown together and all love each other.
We got engaged in 2014 and married in 2016 with a dream wedding that I still reminisce about and people still talk about til this day. We have a home together, both have great paying jobs and have traveled with each other for years . We hit our 2 yr wedding anniversary in Aug and in September things started to change. With his promotion, he began to attend more work events, social activities and happy hours – saying he was trying to get his name out there more. I started to feel uncomfortable with the frequency and he blamed it on me being “insecure”. Not wanting to be “that wife”, I tried to chill. Fast forward to October, I found out my husband has been having an affair with a coworker (12 years older than him with two kids!). In checking the phone records he skillfully talked to her on the way to work and home while he would come in the house and kiss me and love his normal husband life.
Nothing is perfect, but our relationship was close to it because of the friendship we had formed. All of sudden, he now wants to divorce me for this other woman. I found a gift in our home with a love note written in a card expressing how she is his best friend…how down to earth and beautiful she is, etc etc. I am devasted and heartbroken. To add insult to injury, after finding out about the affair, he basically gets defensive and tells me he had fallen out of love with me and had harbored “resentments”. Examples: he wanted to have kids before we got married and now he isn’t excited to have them with me anymore, he may have to relocate for work one day and my “lack of enthusiam” deflated him so much, we travel too much and he would rather focus on getting a new house, etc etc. All of which could be resolved if he communicated with me.
Instead, he feels “it’s for the best” that we divorce after all these years and basically doesn’t care about the relationships he has to destroy outside of our marriage to be with her. My family and friends, his family and friends all thought he was on drugs bc of how radicall this is. I found out the woman has been very manipulative so much so as it really seems like he is under a spell.
We were about to start trying this month to start a family and this happens. Worst part is this is all his doing and he has treated me like I did something wrong and destroyed our marriage. I reached out to the other woman and basically she doesn’t care and he is trying to convince her he is here to stay for her….I don’t know how I am going to get through this.
Would love advice, guidance, words or encouragement.
Post # 2
I am really sorry that you are going through this. There is nothing that you can do, when a man is in love with another woman. Aren’t there rules in their workplace against dating co-workers? Most companies strictly adhere to this. What you can do is get a good lawyer, get some counselling, and know there is nothing wrong with you. I wish I could give you a big hug.
Post # 3
I have no real advice other than I am really sorry this happened to you. It is probably best that you get things in order to protect yourself going forward including getting a therapist for yourself.
Post # 4
I have a friend going through almost the identical thing right now (like scarily close – if it weren’t for the fact that you don’t have kids already, I would have thought she wrote this post).
It sucks. I’m sorry.
But there’s nothing to salvage at this point. Divorce doesn’t have to be a mutual decision and you can’t save something when one of the parties doesn’t want it to be saved.
You also need to get it out of your head that this other woman is to blame. If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. Or it would be just him alone bailing on your marriage. She isn’t the problem, she’s only a symptom of the problem. Even if we indulge some theory that she pursued him – HE said YES. You can’t steal what what doesn’t want to be stolen. And even if she’s some charming seductress with a siren call who manipulates men, then that means your husband is so weak-willed that he abandons his marriage vows with the slightest interest from another vagina. It takes two to make this happen. She’s not the main villain in your story. She may be one, but she’s not the main one.
At this point, be thankful that kids aren’t in the picture yet to make this even more difficult and complicated. Contact a lawyer first thing in the morning to see what your first steps should be and clarify your legal rights. If you keep shared bank accounts, take your half and open a separate account. Figure out what you have to do to remove yourself from any shared credit cards. Start working on housing arrangements. Find a therapist to help yourself work through this. See if your work has an EAP that may offer a couple of free counseling sessions or a referral program.
It will be hard, but you’ll survive it. Lots of people have experienced the same and have come out the other side okay. Many find themselves even better off than before. You never know what the future has in store.
Post # 5
Cut your losses and be glad he showed his true colors BEFORE you had kids with him. You will be better off even though I’m sure you’re devastated right now. There’s no going back from this. Let him have his fantasy life and move on.
Post # 6
Been there. Done that. As hurtful as it is right now, please continue to ask yourself “Why would I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me”?
Take care of yourself. You will not only survive, you will thrive.
Post # 7
His excuses as to why your relationship isn’t worth salvaging (to him) are just excuses. It’s pretty common in affairs for the cheating partner to suddenly become very critical of the partner they’re cheating on — it assuages their guilt. You travel too much together? That’s one of the most ridiculous complaints I’ve heard. He clearly just wants out, and is trying to reason his way into an argument that makes him not look like the bad guy and so he doesn’t have to take responsiblity for hurting you. Don’t listen to it — it’s not your fault.
Post # 8
Thank you everyone for the responses! This has been extremely painful and difficult for me and my family (they loved him too). I just don’t understand how someone can wash 12 years down the drain in 2 months. So much drama! He has even cut off some of his family to avoid being told he is making a mistake. I have a lawyer now so I won’t get served at work and have been staying with my parents for a bit to mentally get back on track. I went back to our home (stuff still there) and he has been basically turning it into a bachelor pad which I can only assume is in preparation for her…on top of that, he came home while I was there and asked my father (who escorted me to help carry a box), “can I help you?” And “how long do you intend on being here?” The nerve!!!!
Post # 9
My husband fell in love with someone else, I didn’t see it coming. No one wants to be, or believes themselves to be, the bad guy (typically) so we skew things in our head to fit that narrative. That is what your husband is doing. Mine didn’t speak to his parents for a full year after he left because he didn’t want to be judged. He’s taught them so well that they never tell him they think something differently than he does but they’ll also never forget he did that.
Best thing you can do is show him the door and wish him well. Don’t do what I did and become a pathetic crying doormat. Also, know that everyone will be watching your every move and every social media post for quite some time. Carry yourself well. Be dignified. You’ll be grateful later once you’ve gotten over this.
Dont text or call him unless it’s a true emergency. Become the enemy and you’ll just bring them closer together, which will not be as fun as watching them fall apart (like I got to see) when reality isn’t as fun as they thought it was going to be.
Believe me when I say they won’t last even 5 years. Just sit back and watch the chaos, turn your anger to pity because his life will be quite the poop show.
Post # 10
Please check out survivinginfidelity.com
Also, is she still married? Her husband MUST be told.
Post # 11
Post # 12
I’m so sorry thst you’re having to go through this. Glad to hear you have a lawyer, find a therapist and also get an STD screening.
Post # 13
Thank you for the website!
Post # 14
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
He’s been unhappy for a while but was ready to start TTC this month? 🤔
OP I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you.
I agree that you should lawyer up.
I know it’s way too soon, but you’ll be free to find a man who will truly cherish you and who would never do this to you.
Post # 15
I am so, so, so sorry this happened to you. But please understand, this relationship he is leaving you for WILL.NOT.LAST. It will not. Mark my words, it will implode. Karma is a big, bad bitch and they will both get there’sI am so sorry.