Post # 1
My cousin is getting married next month and the invitations have just been sent out. My sister, age 27, is extremely offended that the invitation we received was addressed to our parents “& family” and can’t understand why I, age 22, am not boycotting the wedding with her.
She refuses to attend the wedding because she didn’t receive her own invitation. I suspect a big part of her displeasure is that she would not be allowed to bring her serious boyfriend of 3 years (their engagement won’t be “official” until her birthday in the fall when he plans to pop the question, but they have already set a tentative wedding date).
So I ask you, internet, does my sister have a right to be so upset with being invited as a family that she refuses to attend the wedding? Should I be as up in arms as she is? Or is she overreacting? Any advice on how we can break it to the family that she refuses to come? My parents are already embarassed that she won’t attend and I’m worried that it will cause a family feud. Would the bride and groom understand?
*Edited to add* Neither of us are living at home.
Post # 3
I think you’ll get a lot of different responses on this, people feel pretty strongly on the +1 debate.
Personally, I think you both should have been invited with a guest. Especially your sister, being that she has been in a serious relationship for 3 years. Now, whether or not she should boycott? I don’t know. That’s her decision and I am assuming she isnt very close to your cousin, right?
Post # 4
faux paux? sure, enough to boycott a fun event? no.
Not everyone is on these boards and knows the ins and outs. She could honestly not have known you both should get your own invites.
And as to the plus one, I am sure the bride had her guidelines as to who got invited and who didnt. Unless she is actually married, its a gray area with the plus one.
Post # 5
@Bostongrl25: i’m with you – I think a good rule of thumb is – if they dont live at home they need their own invitation. regardless of plus ones..but thats just me
Post # 6
I was recently in a wedding and engaged before the couple that was getting married and my invite was just address to me and my fiance got one for himself that was addressed to his family. I thought that was weird.
I think that she could have sent one invite and listed the and guest on the inside, like listed your sister’s future Fiance on the inside envelope. Considered in the Boyfriend or Best Friend family, saving her an invite. I don’t think that it is a bad thing that your sister didn’t get her own, UNLESS she doesn’t live with your family, then she should have got her own.
My cousin doen’t live with my aunt, isn’t married, I’m sending him his own invite. Different address, different invite in this case.
Post # 7
Does she live with you and your parents? If so then she probably has no right to be upset. Most people put a cut off at living-together, engaged, or married. Last year my cousin invited my sister and I as part of my parent’s family without my Fiance who was then my boyfriend. We gave a gift as a family and I didn’t bring anything separate which was a huge money saver for me as I was in school at the time. It’s usually a budget issue and nothing personal.
Post # 8
Should the bride and groom have sent individual invitations to you and your sister since you are over 18? Yes. Is it worth boycotting your cousin’s wedding over? Absolutely not.
Until your sister is actually engaged then the bride and groom have to the right to invite her without a plus one. They probably have size and budget constraints like the rest of us and they couldn’t make it work to invite plus ones for couples who aren’t married or engaged.
Your sister needs to chill out. If she refuses to go then just reply to your cousin and let her know that only and you and your parents will be attending and unfortunately your sister can’t make it. Your cousin doesn’t need to know why your sister is declining the invitation. Telling her will just cause unneeded stress on the bride because your sister is being childish. And honestly, once your sister plans her own wedding she’ll finally understand the bride’s point of view and she’ll probably be embarrassed if your cousin knew her reason for not attending.
Post # 8
Depends how close she is with this cousin. I invited one of my adult cousins as “and family” but sent an invite to his sister who I’m close to. Like whatever haven’t seen this guy is years and we’ve never talked so I can’t be bothererd.
So if she isn’t close, she shouldn’t be bothered. But her SO should def be invited too, and she could just ask the cuz if he could come instead of being prissy. I’ve done that to a cuz’s wedding and one did it to me to, but I think it’s fine and think a +1 is quite mandatory for SOs.
Post # 8
@totheislnds: I agree with this. However, if they do live at home, I feel like that is a different story.
I would not be as upset as your sister is about this, but I am fairly easy going.
Post # 9
I think it really depends on how aware the cousins are of how serious the relationship is. If I were inviting my cousins and their parents, I would probably do it separately, but that’s partly because I do have room for their SOs. If I had stuck with the original tiny venue, I might not have invited the SOs, and then I would think that inviting them as a family would be… still weird, but less offensive.
Post # 10
The only time I would think this was “Ok” is if the 20-something lived at home. If there was an invite sent to my parents’ house with “and family” I don’t know that I would even think I was invited? I haven’t lived at home for years and have lived with Fiance for a few of those.We generally get our own separate invites when my family or his family gets invited to a wedding.
Basically, I think if you have your own address, you should get an invite. And if you’re in a serious relationship, I also feel that “and guest” is kind of rude. If it’s been more than a year or so, people should know their name and USE IT. Some may disagree but that is my opinion.
Post # 11
@Bostongrl25: She actually considers my cousin one of her best friends, but is not close to the bride in the least.
Post # 12
There’s a whole book on wedding etiquette, I think your cousin needs to read it. If anyone has been with their partner longer than a year that person should be invited as well. And yes you ladies are not children, you should receive your own invites.
Post # 12
I think I would send separate invitations in this case, but I also think it is understandable that a cousin would send a “familiy” invite. I can’t imagine that the cousin meant any harm by it and it wouldn’t upset me enough to boycott the wedding.
Post # 13
do you two live at home? if so, i certainly wouldn’t be offended or upset at being included on a “family” invite. i kind of think it’s wasteful to send multiple invites to 1 address, but if you guys live away from home, it’s a little odd. maybe they couldn’t track down your addresses in time, or they think you move often? perhaps the wedding is pretty casual, and so the invites reflect that? could the “& family” actually include your sister’s long term boyfriend? (meaning the hosts could have assumed you’d know the bf was invited) just playing devil’s advocate here. personally, i’d find it odd, but it wouldn’t cause me to boycott the wedding. if i was your sister, i’d straight up ask, is it ok to bring my bf? maybe it was an oversight, or maybe they just want to include family and really can’t afford everyone and had to draw the line.