Post # 61
I find all this discussion fascinating because we are at exactly the point where this might start being an issue… except for the fact that my sons are still affectionate with me in passing (they hug and kiss me goodnight, but not much else), but have strongly identified with Darling Husband – just like I think they should and how I think it is normal for them to be. So they obviously like the fact that their mum wants to hug and kiss them, but regardless of how they feel, they pretend not to want that sort of affection. While I would love for them to still sit with me for a movie at home, I also understand that it is slightly odd now that they are much bigger than I am. They still hug and kiss me goodnight, but that’s about it. They are 15 and 13, and although they don’t have girlfriends, they still feel that “cuddling” with their mum is weird at this age.
Whereas I’d love for there to be more physical affection between us, I also realize that they are not comfortable with that. I think that’s normal at this age. They are becoming young men and don’t feel as comfortable with their mum being as physically close as she used to be.
While I’d like to say that canoodling with mum is “normal” for a young man in his 20’s, I don’t necessarily feel that it is. I do my best to make sure that my boys know that I am there for them no matter what, but by their own choice that doesn’t seem to include cuddling at this age.
Post # 63
MrsHarryDresden: You are definitely on to something. The mother is still married to the father of these men but it is one of the worst marriages I’ve seen. The father is (at the very least) verbally abusive to the sons, never held a job for longer than six months or so thus all of the financial responsibility fell to the mother, isn’t very reliable in general, makes ridiculous purchases that get the family in financial trouble, gets drunk and embarasses the family in public, etc. Whenever we have family get-togethers the mother sits as far away from her husband as possible “to get a break from him.” I don’t think the mother has many friends (she’s too busy working to support three grown men). So yes, it does very much appear that the mother is getting her emotional needs met with her grown sons instead of her partner or through some other more appropriate people. Yesterday at Christmas I heard her explaining to the 24-year old that his new sweater is cotton so it needs to be washed in cold water only and when he didn’t understand her at all she said “it goes in the “blue hamper.” Bless this woman’s heart, none of these men are working and she’s doing their god-damned laundry (perhaps more importantly she was explaining to a grown man that an all cotton sweater needs to be washed in cold, and then just gave up and told him which hamper to put it in.) She is infantalizing them, and as a result they haven’t grown up. I think THAT is why the cuddling creeps me out — because of this context. It’s part of (or maybe a result of?) the infantilizing.
Post # 64
alamana: well, I am 21, and if I ever saw I guy doing this I would run as fast as I can. No wonder they don’t have girlfriends. This is absolutely an uncomfortable thing. Maybe it is a result of psychological trauma from daddy…but this is beyond weird. Mom needs to realize her boys will never have sucessful lives if they are to continue being coddled. She will most likely never see them get married, because if I went to a boyfriends familk function nd he did that…I would be a bit scared.
Post # 65
I might be the only person here who doesn’t think this is weird. Maybe it’s because I am a mother and I want to be close to my children always. It’s hard to think that we can be so affectionate to our children as they are babies but it is considered “odd/strange/weird” once they hit a certain age and affection to family is crossing boundries in the opinon of others.
I guess because you keep saying “they were stroking each other like lovers” makes you feel uncomfortable like it’s sexual. But it’s not sexual and thats probably why they don’t think its’s weird at all and you do. Just last week my hudband and I were sitting on a couch with my mil and we were eating cake for a birthday. my husband and i had our cake on one plate and my mil was waiting for my fil to come through with their cake. the cake had fruit on it and each slice of cake has different fruit. My husband said “mum, don’t you like berries?” and fed her the cake. I think in the west feeding each other can also be considered sexual. My mil feeds me all the time. It’s not weird to me and so when I think about when my son is 20 and doesn’t want to cuddle with me on the couch or give me a kiss goodbye, makes me feel sad because he’s my child.
Post # 66
I’m a 20 something female, and my SO would not find it strange if I sat on the couch next to my dad and he put his arm around me, or I laid my head on his shoulder. He is my DAD for godsake. If I saw my SO do this to his mom, I would be like, aw thats sweet. Some people have more touchy feely relationships with their parents then others do.