- 4 years ago
My boyfriend and I have been dating for several years, and our understanding of each others’ life goals has not been totally communicated. So this past weekend we rented a riverfront cabin a ways out of town, and while we watched an early snowfall (beautiful) we filled out a premarital questionnaire separately. Then, over glasses of wine we began comparing our answers. I hope that the result will be clarity and progress and deeper understanding of each other, (compatible answers were highlighted in green, incompatible in yellow) and I’d like to share the questions with you guys. (Can’t take credit for the questionnaire, bf found it via google.) Feel free to discuss, and I hope this helps bring about some meaningful discussions with significant others. Going ANON on this one because I’ve shared some struggles via previous posts but I don’t want anyone to focus on that ATM. Let me know what you think.
QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE YOU MARRY
1. What is your dream job?
2. Have you ever been called a workaholic?
3. What is your retirement plan?
What do you plan to do when you stop working? — 4. Have you ever been fired?
5. Have you ever quit a job suddenly? Have you changed jobs a lot?
6. Has your work ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
7. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
8. What do you need to feel energized and inspired in your home?
9. How important is it for you to have a space in your home that is yours alone?
10. Have differences about home style ever been a factor in the breakup of a
11. If you had unlimited resources, how would you live?
12. How important is it for you to make a lot of money?
13. What is your annual income?
14. Do you believe in prenuptial agreements? Under what circumstances?
15. Do you believe in establishing a family budget?
16. Should individuals within a marriage have separate bank accounts in addition
to joint accounts? Do you feel that bills should be divided based on a percentage
of each person’s salary?
17. Who should handle the finances in your family?
18. Do you have significant debt?
19.. Do you believe that a certain amount of money should be set aside for
pleasure, even if you’re on a tight budget?
20. Have you ever used money as a way of controlling a relationship? Has
anyone ever tried to control you with money?
21. Has money ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
22. Have you ever felt deeply insecure in a relationship? Were you able to name
23. When was the first time you felt that you were in love with another person?
What happened in that relationship, and how have you come to terms with it?
24. What is the longest relationship you have ever had prior to this one? Why did
it end, and what lesson did you learn?
25. Have you ever been married? How do you think you handled the loss?
26. If you have a current partner, do they know of behaviors that you exhibited
in your previous relationship that you’re not proud of?
27. Do you believe that past relationships should be left in the past and not
talked about in your current relationship?
28. Do you tend to judge current partners on past relationships?
29. Have you ever sought marriage counseling? What did the experience teach
30. Why have you chosen to live together instead of marrying? What did your
experience teach you about the importance of marriage and about
31. Do you harbor fears that the person you love might reject you or fail out of
love with you?
32. What sexual activities do you enjoy the most? Are there specific sexual acts
that make you uncomfortable? Be specific!
33. Do you feel comfortable initiating sex? If yes, why? If no, why?
34. What do you need in order to be in the mood for sex?
35. Have you ever been sexually abused or assaulted?
36. What was the attitude toward sex in your family? Was it talked about? Who
taught you about sex?
37. Have you ever felt forced to have sex to keep the peace ? Have you ever
forced someone or been told that you forced someone to have sex with you to
keep the peace ?
38. Is sexual fidelity an absolute necessity in a good marriage?
39. Do you enjoy viewing pornography?
40. How often do you need or expect sex?
41. Has sexual dissatisfaction ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a
42. How would you describe the current state of your health?
43. Have you ever had a serious illness? Have you ever had surgery?
44. Do you believe it is a sacred responsibility to take care of yourself? Do you
believe that taking care of your physical and mental health is a part of honoring
your marriage vows?
45. Are there genetic diseases in your family or a history of cancer, heart
disease, or chronic illness?
46. Have you ever been in a physically or emotionally abusive relationship?
47. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder?
48. Have you ever been in a serious accident?
49. Do you take medication?
50. Have you ever had a sexually transmitted disease?
51. Have you ever been treated for a mental disorder?
52. Do you consider yourself an addictive personality, and have you ever
suffered from an addiction? Have you ever been told you have an addiction
problem, even though you might disagree?
53. How much alcohol do you drink every week?
54. Do you have a medical problem that impacts your ability to have a
satisfying sex life (for example, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, vaginal dryness, drug/alcohol addiction, etc)?
55. Have any of these health problems ever been a factor for you in the
breakup of a relationship?
56. How important is it that you always look your best?
57. How important is your spouse s appearance? Do you have strong
preferences about being with a particular physical type ?
58. Is weight control important to you? Is your spouse s weight important to
you? What would your reaction be if your partner were to gain a significant
amount of weight?
59. How much money do you spend on clothing every year?
60. Do you worry about getting old? Do you worry about losing your looks?
61. What do you like and dislike about your appearance? When you were a child, were you often complimented or shamed about your looks?
62. What would your reaction be if your spouse lost a limb? A breast? How would
you handle this loss?
63. Do you feel that you can have good chemistry with someone who is
moderately physically attractive to you, or is a strong physical attraction
necessary? Has physical appearance or chemistry ever been a factor in the
breakup of a relationship?
64. Do you want children? When? How many?
65. Would you feel unfulfilled if you were unable to have children?
66. Who is responsible for birth control? What would you do if there were an
accidental pregnancy before you planned to have children?
67. What is your view of fertility treatments? Adoption? Would you adopt if you
were unable to have a child naturally?
68. What is your view of abortion? Should a husband have an equal say in
whether his wife has an abortion?
69. How important is it to you that your children are raised near your extended
70. Do you believe that a good mother will want to breast-feed her baby? Do
you believe a mother or father should stay at home with a child during the first
six months of life? The first year? Longer?
71. Do you believe in spanking a child? What type of discipline do you believe in
(time-out, standing in the corner, taking away privileges, etc.)?
72. Do you believe that children have rights? Do you feel that a child s opinion
should be considered when making family and life decisions, such as moving or
73. Do you believe that children should be raised with some religious or spiritual
74. Should boys be treated the same as girls? Should they have the same rules
for conduct? Should you have the same expectations for their sexual behavior?
75. Would you put your teenage daughter on birth control if you knew that she
was sexually active?
76. How would you handle it if you didn’t like your child s friends?
79. Would you ever consider getting a vasectomy or having your tubes tied? Do
you believe it s your choice, or does your partner have a say?
80. Have differences concerning conception or child-raising ever been a factor
for you in the breakup of a relationship?
81. Are you close to your family?
82. Are you or have you ever been alienated from your family?
83. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with family?
84. Have you identified the childhood wound that may have sabotaged your
relationships in the past the deeply imprinted fear that made you want to
escape? How were you most hurt in your family; and who hurt you?
85. How important is it that you and your partner be on good terms with each
other s families?
86. How did your parents settle conflicts when you were a child? Do people in
your family carry long-term grudges?
87. How much influence do your parents or relatives still have over your
88. Have unresolved or ongoing family issues ever been a factor for you in the
breakup of a relationship?
89. Do you have a best friend ?
90. Do you see a close friend or friends at least once a week? Do you speak to
any of your friends on the phone every day?
91. Are your friendships as Important to you as your life partner is?
92. If your friends need you, are you there for them?
93. Is it important to you for your partner to accept and like your friends?
94. Is it important that you and your partner have friends in common?
95. Do you have a difficult time setting limits with friends?
96. Has a partner ever been responsible for breaking up a friendship? Have
friends ever been a factor for you in the breakup of a relationship?
97. Do you consider yourself liberal, moderate, or conservatives, or do you
reject political labels? What was the attitude in your family about political
involvement and social action?
98. Do you belong to a political party? Are you actively involved?
99. Did you vote in the last presidential election? Congressional election? Local
100. Do you believe that two people of differing political ideologies can have a
101. Do you believe that the political system is skewed against people of color, poor people, and the disenfranchised?
102. Which political issues do you care about? (For example, equality national
security, privacy, the environment, the budget; women s rights, gay rights, human rights, etc.).
103. Has politics ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
104. Is it important for you to be involved in your local community?
105. Do you like having a close relationship with your neighbors? For example, would you give a neighbor a spare key to your home?
106. Do you regularly participate in community projects?
107. Do you believe that good fences make good neighbors?
108. Have you ever had a serious dispute with a neighbor?
109. Do you take pains to be considerate of your neighbors (for example, keeping a lid on loud music, barking dogs, etc.)?
110. How important is it to you to contribute time or money to charity?
111. Which kind of charities do you like to support? How much of your annual
income do you donate to charity?
112. Do you feel that it is the responsibility of the haves of the world to help
the have-nots ?
113. Have attitudes about charitable contributions ever been a factor in the
breakup of a relationship?
114. Would you want your children to serve in the military?
115. Do you personally identify more with a nonviolent approach, or with making
change through military force and action?
116. Do you consider yourself a law-abiding person?
117. Have you ever committed a crime? If yes, what was it?
118. Have you ever been arrested? If yes, for what?
119. Have you ever been in jail? If yes, why?
120. Have you ever been involved in a legal action or lawsuit? If yes, what were
121. Have you ever been the victim of a violent crime? If yes, describe what
122. Do you believe it s important to be rigorously honest when you pay taxes?
123. Have legal or criminal issues ever been a factor in the breakup of a
124. Where do you get your news (for example, TV news programs, radio, newspapers, news magazines, the Internet, friends)?
125. Do you believe what you read and see in the news, or do you question where
information is coming from and what the true agenda is?
126. Do you seek out media with diverse perspectives on the news?
127. Do you believe in God? What does that mean to you?
128. Do you have a current religious affiliation? Is it a big part of your life?
129. When you were growing up, did your family belong to a church, synagogue, temple, or mosque?
130. Do you currently practice a different religion from the one in which you
131. Do you believe in life after death?
132. Does your religion impose any behavioral restrictions (dietary, social, familial, sexual) that would affect your partner?
133. Do you consider yourself a religious person? A spiritual person?
134. Do you engage in spiritual practices outside of organized religion?
135. How important is it to you for your partner to share your religious beliefs?
136. How important is it to you for your children to be raised in your religion?
137. Is spirituality a part of your daily life and practice?
138. Has religion or spiritual practice ever been a factor in the breakup of a
139. Does popular culture have an important impact on your life?
140. Do you spend time reading about, watching, or discussing actors, musicians, models, or other celebrities?
141. Do you think most celebrities have a better, more exciting life than you do?
(By the way, if they do, maybe it’s because they are living their lives, while you
are watching them live their lives. Are you wasting the opportunity and gift to
live your own life?)
142. Do you regularly go to the movies, or do you prefer to rent movies and
watch them at home?
143. What is your favorite style of music?
144. What is your idea of a fun day?
145. Do you have a hobby that s important to you?
146. What activities do you enjoy that don t involve your partner? How
important is it to you that you and your partner enjoy the same leisure
147. Do you enjoy activities that might make your partner uncomfortable, such
as hanging out in bars drinking, going to strip clubs, or gambling?
148. Do you enjoy entertaining, or do you worry that you ll do something wrong
or people won t have a good time?
149. Is it important for you to attend social events regularly, or does the
prospect rarely appeal to you?
150. Do you look forward to at least one night out every week, or do you prefer
to enjoy yourself at home?
151. Does your work involve attending social functions? If so, are these occasions
a burden or a pleasure? Do you expect your spouse to be present, or do you
prefer that your spouse not be present?
152. Do you socialize primarily with people from work, or with people from the
same ethnic/racial/religious/ socioeconomic background? Or do you socialize
with a diverse mix of people?
153. Are you usually the life of the party,” or do you dislike being singled out
154. Have you or a partner ever had an argument caused by one or the other s
behavior at a social function?
155. Have differences about socializing ever been a factor for you in the
breakup of a relationship?
HOLIDAY AND BIRTHDAYS
156. Which (if any holidays do you believe are the most important to celebrate?
157. Do you maintain a family tradition around certain holidays?
158. How important are birthday celebrations to you? Anniversaries?
TRAVEL / VACATIONS
159. Do you have a favorite vacation destination?
160. What is your level of formal education? Is your education a source of pride
161. Do you regularly sign up for courses that interest you, or enroll in advancedlearning
programs that will help you in your career or profession?
162. Do you think that college graduates are smarter than people who didn t
attend college? Have disparities in education ever been a source of tension for
you in a relationship, or ended a relationship?
163. How do you feel about private school education for children? Do you have a
limit on how much you would be willing to invest in private school education?
164. Have education levels or priorities ever been a factor in the breakup of a
165. Is the year, make, and model of the car you drive important to you?
166. Are fuel efficiency and environmental protection factors when you choose a
167. How much time do you spend on the phone every day?
168. What are the circumstances under which you would not answer the
169. Do you like to eat most of your meals sitting at the table, or do you tend to
eat on the run?
170. When you were growing up, was it important that everybody be present for
171. Do you follow a specific diet regimen that limits your food choices? Do you
expect others in your household to adhere to certain dietary restrictions?
172. In your family is food ever used as a bribe or a proof of love?
173. Has eating ever been a source of shame for you?
174. Have eating and food ever been a source of tension and stress in a
relationship? Have they ever been a factor in the breakup of a relationship?
175. Are there household responsibilities you believe to be the sole domain of a
man or a woman? Why do you believe this?
176. Do you believe that marriages are stronger if a woman defers to her
husband in most areas? Do you need to feel either in control or taken care of?
177. How important is equality in a marriage? Define what you mean by
178. Do you believe that roles in your family should be filled by the person best
equipped for the job, even if it is an unconventional arrangement?
179. How did your family view the roles of girls and boys, men and women? In
your family; could anyone do any job as long as it got done well?
180. Have different ideas about gender roles ever been a source of tension for
you in a relationship, or the cause of a breakup?
RACE, ETHNICITY, AND DIFFERENCES
181. What did you learn about race and ethnic differences as a child?
182. Which of those beliefs from childhood do you still carry; and which have you
183. Does your work environment look more like the United Nations, or like a
mirror of yourself? How about your personal life?
184. How would you feel if your child dated someone of a different race or
ethnicity? The same gender? How would you feel if he or she married this
185. Are you aware of your own biases regarding race and ethnicity? What are
they? Where did they come from? (We aren t born biased, we learn it, and it s
important to trace where it was learned.)
186. Have race, ethnicity, and differences ever been a source of tension and
stress for you in a relationship?
187. What were your family s views of race, ethnicity, and difference?
188. Is it important to you that your partner shares your vision of race, ethnicity, and difference?
189. Have different ideas about race, ethnicity~ and difference ever been a
factor in the breakup of a relationship?
LIVING EVERY DAY
190. Would you consider yourself a morning person or a night person?
191. Do you judge people who have a different waking and sleeping clock than
192. Are you a physically affectionate person?
193. What is your favorite season of the year?
194. When you disagree with your partner, do you tend to fight or withdraw?
195. What is your idea of a fair division of labor in your household?
196. Do you consider yourself an easygoing person, or are you most comfortable
with a firm plan of action?
197. How much sleep do you need every night?
198. Do you like to be freshly showered and wearing clean clothes every day, even on weekends or vacations?
199. What is your idea of perfect relaxation?
200. What makes you really angry? What do you do when you re really angry?
201. What makes you most joyful? What do you do when you are joyful?
202. What makes you most insecure? How do you handle your insecurities?
203. What makes you most secure?
204. Do you fight fair? How do you know?
205. How do you celebrate when something great happens? How do you mourn
when something tragic happens?
206. What is your greatest limitation?
207. What is your greatest strength?
208. What most stands in the way of your creating a passionate and caring
209. What do you need to do today to move toward making your dream
marriage a reality?
210. What makes you most afraid?
212. What drains you of your joy and passion?
213. What replenishes your mind, body, and spirit?
214. What makes your heart smile in tough times?
215. What makes you feel the most alive?