Post # 17
I definitely see what you mean…I think this is where he’s coming from, too. I had a hard time understanding his point of view because I was so stuck on my own, and he wasn’t able to explain much.
Basically, regardless of the date, there will be 15 people max at the ceremony, and a big[ger] reception later [days, months, a year later, who knows…whenever we have the funds together as a family]. However, he’s still not keen on the idea, and I agree that Niki is probably right on that red flag. I am very ansy…I’m looking for that security because we have so many big life changes ahead.
Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate the advice and sounding board.
Post # 18
I’m one of the people who voted to wait. You mentioned in a different post something about how he wants to work on improving your communication issues, though you don’t say too much about them. But if he’s saying that’s what he wants (to work on improving an aspect of your relationship that he feels needs it), it sounds like a really good sign for your future marriage and a good reason to wait…or at least put off deciding. It sounds like he takes having a good relationship very seriously, and that he wants to be able to enter your marriage with more openness than he can currently achieve for whatever reason. As Niki says, what if you guys focused on talking about that instead of about the wedding date? It might help him get to being able to articulate what his reasons for wanting to wait are…or maybe help him figure out that they aren’t a big deal. But either way, it’s sounding like he’s a pretty shy person who has trouble expressing his feelings…and the pressure to decide about the wedding date is just making it harder. But either way, I think focusing on the wedding date is getting in the way of focusing on your relationship. Whatever you decide about the wedding date, if you end up in an LDR it’s going to be much harder to work on these things (I say this with *a lot* of LDR experience). So maybe it would be better to put the energy into your relationship now and wait on the wedding planning. I know I had a really hard time with the idea of getting married, and I really couldn’t explain why. And it took just giving myself the space not to think about marriage and only to think about us to realize what my hesitations were and that I was ready to overcome them.
Post # 19
Thanks very, very much for your input. This is helping me out a lot. I want to have at least one more conversation with him about it, but I think you guys are right about this. I do feel crappy about myself for wanting to get married sooner if he doesn’t.
Before we moved in to my parent’s basement [and before we illegally lived in a dorm room together] we did have a long distance relationship…’casually’ for about a year and then ‘seriously’ for another year, then he moved in with me because it got pretty difficult. So although we do have some LDR experience, it’s been 3 years since we’ve lived apart and I do agree that it would probably be a bad idea to start off our marriage like that.
He recently transferred to a third-shift position for *much* better pay, so I don’t see him much these days. Hense my rush to weddingbee for advice…thanks for enduring my rambling indecisiveness!!!
Post # 20
Oh, Kristen, I don’t think anyone is trying to make you feel crappy for wanting to get married sooner rather than later! This is a really exciting and fun transition! Of course you’ll want to get there soon! I don’t know a woman who doesn’t feel that way at some point during the planning. 🙂
Please, please don’t feel badly for wanting to get married sooner than he does. If you have a happy relationship, that’s really all that matters.
Post # 21
I only feel crappy because I really DO DO DO care about what he wants, immensely, but I felt that he was being unreasonable and had ulterior motives of wanting to put it off. I think he was probably just being ultra-logical, and…admittedly, I’m a dreamer.
I think you’re all probably right and I just needed to hear it from someone else, though I do feel disappointed and sad that it’s now soooo far away [longer than we’ve already been engaged, which feels like a looong time]. But I’ll get over it. I just need to remind myself that I’m not losing the whole wedding, just the "anytime soon" part.
On a happier note, [but I know this is getting long, and I’m sorry] I thought of some additional pros to waiting until 2010:
~Originally, he was going to have to ask for [and hope for] "personal time off", unpaid, because he recently transferred and doesn’t have vacation hours until about September/October 2009. He will be able to take vacation hours if we wait [unless we end up having to move and he has to get a new job altogether].
~There’s no way we could afford to have a real honeymoon if we got married this summer. If we wait until 2010, maybe we could even take a DREAM vacation somewhere amazing! That got me really excited…just wanted to share.
Post # 22
personally, i think you should wait until after grad school. you definitely don’t want to live apart during your first year of marriage. our engagement will be a week away from two years when we get married, but i seriously don’t regret it. we were going to get married sooner, but we decided to wait until we were done with school… one of the best decisions we’ve ever made! i would’ve LOVED to get married last year or to get married this summer. i want to be his wife very badly, BUT i know that waiting until after we’re both graduated is going to really pay off in the long run. hope that helps!
Post # 23
I agree with most of the people that have responded. I think it would be best for y’all to wait a bit. It sounds like your fiance has a few issues that are extremely important for him to solve before you guys make things permanent. Also, if you did it earlier, since your parents have already promised so much money to your sister, you might feel a little unimportant knowing that your parents won’t be able to help you out much. I know I would. I am feeling that way now and my sister got married 6 years ago.
Just remember, there is not rush. You have the rest of your lives to be together!
Post # 24
I say wait. Don’t rush the wedding stuff! If you have a solid relationship there is no need to rush the wedding:)
Post # 25
I agree with the others that it might be best to wait. I thought that I wanted a short engagement (we’ve been together for 8 years), but in retrospect I’ve really appreciated the extra time to plan and also to adapt emotionally to what it means to be engaged. It was a big adjustment for me, and I’m really happy that we waited.
I’m currently in grad school, and it hasn’t been *too* bad to plan a wedding and attend class/teach at the same time. Actually, wedding planning is sometimes a nice respite from the rigors of academia. I’m not sure how long your program is, but it will be totally possible to plan the wedding during grad school if that’s what you guys decide that you want to do.
Best of luck!