- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2011
In the dawn of 2014, I’m realizing how tough of a 2013 I’ve had. I remember back to January and can recall the emotional ups and downs that came and followed when my DH and I got pregnant and quickly found out it was ectopic. It was an emotional roller coaster for me that took a lot out of me. I grieved for a long time and often cried myself to sleep for months following. The amount of love that I felt for that baby was overwhelming.
Once I got pregnant again, I was very pesimistic. I can’t recall feeling any sort of excitement when the second line appeared on the test. I was scared and sad and…numb. Before I could even come to terms with the fact that I was pregnant again, my Dad died. We were extremely close. My father had been sick most of my life and I for most of my life I feared that day and the turmoil I would face following it. I cried on my way to the hospital and as he took his final breaths. But I look back at it now and think…why wasn’t I more sad? I should have cried more. I should have grieved more.
Thanksgiving and Christmas came and people around me would comfort me telling me that the Holidays would be the hardest. But I just felt nothing. No happiness, no sadness. My Mother still cries to me daily on the telephone and I fear that she is wondering why I am not reciprocating the tears. Again, I just feel…numb.
We bought a beautiful house and are moving in this weekend. Zero excitement about it. I fake it to everyone when they exclaim that it’s such a wonderful thing. I feel like I couldn’t care less.
All the while, I’m still pregnant with this miracle baby that I most certainly believe is a result of my Father’s final wish and hope for me. But there’s still so much apprehension that this will go bad as well that I’m not allowing myself to feel happiness.
Family and friends ask every day when we will find out the sex of the baby and I keep telling them ‘at the end of January” and they exclaim, “that is so far! how will you wait that long?”. But I don’t feel a rush or an excitement when I think about finding out. Of course I will love the baby either way, but I remember in my first pregnancy…at 4 weeks I would have paid $1,000 to find out the sex!
I don’t want anyone to interpret this the wrong way…I want this baby more than anything in the world. I have always wanted to be a mother and I know I will be a great one.
But every day I live in fear that there is this brick wall inside of me that one day is going to CRUMBLE. I feel like I’ve been turned off emotionally this entire year, and I have zero access to the switch. And to not feel happiness, let alone the sadness I expected to feel over my Father, leaves me feeling SO guilty.
I’m sure the overwhelming answer is going to be counseling. I’m not sure what I’m expecting to take from writing this – maybe a start to some sort of theraputic process of acknowleding my feelings. I haven’t even talkd to my Husband about it. But has anyone else ever experienced anything like this?