2020 proposal cancelled, a year later and still no ring

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

My husband managed to pull off a surprise proposal in our living room, and we managed to pull off a micro wedding at the very beginning of COVID. We got engaged in January 2020 and married in March 2020. It can be done. When there’s a will, there’s a way.

The difference between my situation and yours is HE WANTED TO MARRY ME. He didn’t make excuses. We agreed upon a timeline and we stuck to that timeline together. There was no confusion except when he insisted on proposing at all and I just had to wait for that for a little while. But I also knew a few months during which he intended to do that, and I already felt secure and engaged, so I didn’t mind. 

You need to take your control back, OP. You are being led around like a horse with a carrot, and you are worth SO much more than that. Sit your partner down, tell him you want to be married to someone who is just as excited to be married as you are. If that isn’t him, you will cut him loose and wish him well and move on entirely with your life. It’s not a threat, or an ultimatum, it’s simply you saying “I love you, but I love ME too and I want to have everything I want.”

Post # 47
Member
664 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think it has been pretty well covered by every other bee but I just wanted to chime in to say that his excuses are so cliched my eyes could not roll any harder!!!

. ..that said you both seem too immature to get married if you have not even had any discussion about it?  You said the 1st ‘proposal’ was a total surprise?  Well you should have some idea that marriage is on the cards!!!  If you are only in your early twenties you probably need to grow up a bit both of you and learn how to communicate before considering marriage.

Post # 48
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Im sorry but I’m just so sick of hearing woman say they “know their boyfriend wants to marry them and knows they are committed” so they went along and bought a house together but are still waiting for a proposal… 

No, you HOPE he wants to marry you and HOPE he is committed. But you don’t know shit. And if he was as committed as you claim he is guess what.. HE WOULD HAVE PROPOSED BEFORE CONVINCING YOU TO BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM!! 

Bottom line is.. you simply cannot say a man is committed to getting married without him having actually proposed. Saying a man is committed or that you know he wants to marry you but there is no engagement ring on your finger? You are absolutely selling yourself a lie. 

Post # 49
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee

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@mrsssb:  Even proposal doesn’t mean anything legally. I would not invest in a house seriously until I was actually married because only marriage gives those protections. Apart from that, you hope that your partner will be fair in case of a separation, but you don’t know.

Post # 50
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@lauralaura123:  oh I 1000% agree with you. I wouldn’t have ever bought a house with someone until we were married. In my opinion there is a very good reason that there are steps forward in a relationship. Each step is more committment. Each step is a test of sorts. You don’t skip steps and then complain about it. Engagement, marriage, house/ kids. Not ” I know my boyfriend is committed without any actual action on his part proving it so I’m going to just jump to buying a home and having kids”  it’s just not worth the risk that the marriage won’t ever follow. 

Post # 51
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

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@mrsssb:  I sort of agree, I think. I’m living proof that emotional “commitment” and a plan to get married are two very different things. I am no more committed to my partner now that we are engaged than I have been the ten years that we weren’t, but I am now committed to getting married. But going by this logic I don’t think anyone should ever make the assumption that a certain amount of time together or the aquisition of real estate or talking about babies (or having babies) should automatically = plans to get married. A person is only EVER committed to getting married if and when they actually take steps toward getting their hands on a license and booking a courthouse date (or whatever equivalent suits). 

Post # 53
Member
2079 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@xiphosura:  I am not sure I understand the first part about you aren’t anymore committed being engaged then when you weren’t but that you are committed to being married now. So you are now committing by being engaged and getting married.  anyways, I do agree about the action of getting married is real committment vs talking a big game which a lot of guys do but don’t actually follow through. I want to add because there are plenty of people who come on these threads saying, well I don’t want marriage and I’m committed. That’s great. What matters is that a couple has the same goals. If they both never want marriage that’s fine. This is discussing when a woman wants marriage but somehow finds herself saying yes to the house/kids before marriage which is what the man wants, while she is left waiting for what she wants, the marriage.  To me it’s all risks. You assess the risk and make a choice. I personally wouldn’t have risked having kids or buying a house before marriage becuase I wanted marriage and didn’t want any chance that I would have a partner who would buy a house with me and have a kid and then not follow through with marriage. Some people feel they know their partner well enough to risk doing the house or kid before marriage. I personally don’t feel that’s smart but if you are willing to risk that than you can’t really complain that the guy won’t marry you. If you want marriage there is no reason I’ve ever heard of for why you couldn’t just get married before house/ kids. It’s some serious mental gymnastics to try to make a case for those things before marriage. and man we have heard all the BS excuses from guys on here and NONE of them have ever held water.  

Post # 53
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee

There’s some men out here really using the COVID situation as an excuse! Sorry OP but this is BS imo xo

Post # 54
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2021 - Mackinac Island, MI

Maybe this is an unpopular opinion, but I hate the “just propose to him” comments. Some women don’t mind switching roles, but many women still want the man or significant other to do the proposing. 

I will say, it sounds extremely fishy that no ring was purchased. Most rings have to be purchased with several weeks for processing. If he wanted to propose in May, he would have had to have ordered the ring in February or March which is when stuff started shutting down (and we all thought it would be for a few weeks, so it’s not like he canceled his May plans in February). 

I also think you both are way too young for you to give an ultimatum. Yes you’ve been together for 9 years, but you haven’t been in an adult relationship for 9 years, you’ve been in an adult relationship for the year or 2 you’ve been out of college. 

the biggest red flag is the inability to communicate. I think you just need to discuss expectations, not setting a date for it to happen by, just understanding where you stand.

Post # 55
Member
13 posts
Newbee

Without being in your shoes it is difficult for me to determine anything about your situation. But for all of the opinions and advice being given here you have a counter-answer for it all. You seem to be trying to reduce your footprint in this relationship when the reality is that you have an equal stake in things.

Something I read a long time ago really resonated with me so it became my philosophy throughout my dating life and current relationship with my now fiance. 

Here is the crux of it: If you are right for each other, you will not ‘mess it up’. Stating your needs and setting timelines will not mess things up if he is truly right for you and aligned with you. I hope that things do work out, but you are both young. Don’t fall into the ‘sense of invested time’ trap. Just because you have been together 9 years does not make you beholden to a situation you are not happy with. 

I sympathize with you and everyone else dealing with the pandemic. I will tell you my story not in the spirit of making you feel bad but as an example of how stating your needs respectfully will not deter the right person for you. My fiance and I had a long distance relationship for 2 years – different cities in the same country. Eventually I got a job in another city and as much as I loved him the job was what I had been working towards and I knew that he would not be averse to moving with me. We decided to live together after planning to move down in Sept 2020 but I expressed my need to be at least engaged before living with someone as this is a principle I will not budge on. I knew that he had a ring since June 2020, and we had planned to go to my home country July 2020 but the trip was cancelled because of the pandemic. I felt that he would have proposed on this trip. Months went by until we moved in together Sept 2020 but I felt upset because I had told him how important being engaged once living together was to me. After 3 months of no proposal I made it clear that I felt uncomfortable going against my principles and that I would be looking for a place to rent. We weren’t breaking up, I loved him and at least we would be in the same city for once! In Dec 2020 he proposed one evening as I walked through the door from work. For those who think I nagged, I didn’t. I only mentioned it twice and my intention to rent somewhere else was real. Also, just as some background, I didn’t just throw being engaged out there to him as a random condition. We knew that we were going to marry eachother!

One thing about your story that caught my attention though is that you seemed to be fine before finding out about his supposed cancelled plans. Now a proposal occupies a lot of your thought after hearing this. Maybe take yourself back to the place just after you started looking at rings in Jan 2020. Had you discussed a general timeline back then?

Again, I hope it works out but if you’re both not getting there take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

Post # 56
Member
229 posts
Helper bee

He was ready to get engaged / married to you last year and even told you. However, now he can’t even discuss it because it will “ruin the surprise”. Which surprise?!?!?! You have been on pins and needles for a year no wonder you feel extra sad in May since it’s an anniversary of sorts.

 

Why do I have the feeling that he told you about this canceled surprise engagement in the context of convincing you to buy a house with him now.

“Babe, I want to be married with you and if it wasn’t for the ‘rona we would be engaged by now! If we buy the house now, at least we keep advancing in our relationship and as soon as there is the planetary alignment… I mean as soon as things clear up a bit, I’m going to give you the best proposal in the history of Instagram because I know you’ll resent me if I don’t.”

 

If the pandemic was such a deterrent until now, is your city still in full quarantine? Has he taken the vaccine so that he can bravely go out there to plan that proposal? Or is he only brave enough to leave the house for mundane things like groceries, workout etc but leaving the house to propose requires a whole other set of skills? He’s confusing, you’re confused, I’m confused, the bees are confused, the dogs are confused, the cats… don’t care.

 

Not trying to be snarky… well, I am but toward HIS BLATANT LIES not you OP. 20s is young but when you start talking marriage, it’s time to make big decisions. YOU HAVE A SAY IN THIS. Don’t let him decide everything. This sounds like someone who has cold feet in the best scenario. In the worst case, he just doesn’t to but feels obligated after a 9-year relationship so he drags his feet to gain time until 30s when he “has to settle down.” Or find someone else. But in the meantime, sure he’ll stay with you and find ways to keep you hence mortgage, the promise of the best proposal, the refusal to discuss a timeline / accept your proposal. He really covered all his bases.. This is so maddening to me! OP I wish well but you have to take your life in your hands. If you want to stay, stay because you choose to, knowing all the consequences, not because he banned all marriage discussions and you had no choice but to wait until he rewards you with the proposal. What kind of marriage will it be there’s already such a break in communication about getting there in the first place!

Post # 57
Member
9262 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@teachingbee8:  “I hate the “just propose to him” comments.” — Well ok, but then the alternative is to sit and wait, hoping he’ll grace you with his generosity someday before you’ve wasted your best years. If someone is fine with that, that’s cool, but then I guess they wouldn’t be here complaining if they were ok with it. “Ask him” is a solution. If they don’t want to take that solution, then they need to accept that they are choosing to leave their future in someone else’s hands because ….. why again? Vagina won’t allow it? Seems weird.

Post # 58
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee

 

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@Daisy_Mae:  the alternative is to accept that he hasn’t asked you despite it being made clear that’s your intention and to leave a pointless relationship with some dignity intact. the absence of him asking is in fact the answer. 

if a couple is happy to throw away the traditional “man proposing” idea and that genuinely suits them both and they’re on the same page about marriage then go for it. proposing to a man who is clearly dragging his feet is embarrassing imo. 

Post # 59
Member
9262 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@happyjuju:  Oh, I totally agree that leaving is usually a better answer. It is usually very clear that he doesn’t want to marry her, but for those who have convinced themselves that he just keeps forgetting, or he can’t come up with a special enough plan, or who just want an answer either way and are courageous enough to face the truth head-on, they shouldn’t put their life on hold because he’s the one with testicles. 

Post # 60
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

Well I vote you propose to him. But watch his face. If he visibly winces, say “lol jokes” and then walk out forever.

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