(Closed) 25% of my guests didn’t bring a gift and/or card

posted 9 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 62
Member
3373 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Cougar09 I don’t understand, why aren’t you giving a gift. 

Post # 63
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Cougar09:  It’s the gesture, I think – a sign that the guest actually took the time before the party (and anywhere from 99 cents to $4) to do something for the couple.

To me, it’s not all that different from sending a thank you card. People don’t give gifts to receive thank you cards, but sending one is a way to acknowledge and properly thank the person who gave the gift. If that makes sense.

I’m bad about card giving, too, but I’m trying to get better because I can empathize with the OP – I’d be disappointed too.

Post # 64
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@PinkMagnolia:  

I probably don’t give gifts because I’m sick of giving gifts.  Gifts for showers, weddings, baptisms, birthdays, baby’s 1st Birthday, 2nd birthday, 3rd birthday… baby reveal parties. Every occasion under the sun!  Its hard enough having almost every weekend hi-jacked with some kind of party, I just don’t have the desire to stroll Target for the millionth time looking for a gift.

And yes, I realize this will all come back to me with my own wedding, but I honestly don’t care. I want my guests to have fun. Not groan with the fact that they got there and realized they forgot to buy a card.

 

Post # 65
Member
5976 posts
Bee Keeper

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@nebulously: Then I guess I would have to ask why you invited this girl to your wedding if she’s “an aggressive social climber who has spent tons of money she doesn’t have on herself, yet didn’t even bother with a card for my wedding.”

Most of my bridesmaids did not give me a gift for my wedding, and I was totally fine with that. They spent enough money on their dress, hair and travel to get there. I’m with the it’s your choice to spend $300/plate on a wedding, and it’s not a transaction camp. 

Post # 66
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Cougar09:  I realize that many of us are revolting from the materialism that dominated society the past years, but I don’t think it means we have to fly in the face of societal norms or expected etiquette.  I get the “sick of giving” aspect – but what about small tokens that don’t cost much, but convey that you’re thinking of someone?

Post # 67
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Some people just don’t give gifts. Maybe they aren’t familiar with etiquite. I know my husband tried to give a wedding gift of $10 to a wedding of his friends that we both attended. If he hadn’t handed the card over to me to sign, I would have had NO IDEA that we were gifting them $10! LOL.

Also, when I was younger (early 20s), I didn’t know that you were expected to give a gift or card. I was nowhere near any place where I’d be considering marriage and it just wasn’t on my mind at all. I didn’t attend weddings as a kid and wasn’t told you should give gifts/cards.

I also didn’t know that you should give a gift at the wedding if you also gave one at the shower. In fact, I still don’t think that’s necessary. Well, I dont’ even think any gift is necessary…but knowing what I know now, I’d definitely give SOMETHING. But that’s only because I’m older and have planned a wedding.

I guess I just don’t understand how/why people get upset over not receiving anything. They came and celebrated with you, right? That should be enough.

Post # 68
Member
5653 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

I do think it’s kind of rude to not even give a card. Seriously it takes $2 and 5 minutes to go to the dollar store, buy a card, sign it with a “congrats” and lick the envelope shut. 

That said, OP, I think you should just let it go. Just send thank you cards to those who sent gifts and enjoy marriage bliss!

Post # 69
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@zagora:  I understand.  I do.  I guess for me it just boils down to this. Is our time and company worth nothing anymore?  

Post # 70
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

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@MrsDrRose612:  I guess I just have a different viewpoint on this than others. Growing up, we didn’t celebrate much with gifts. Maybe one or two at Christmas/birthday. I didn’t get gifts for graduations or anything aside from my mother – I had grad parties, but I don’t really remember too many people giving me things. And I didn’t expect them to. I also still wrote and sent nice, personalized thank you notes to every person who came to make sure they knew how much I appreciated them celebrating with me.

I just look at weddings as an expense for everyone involved. I want a big party to mark my milestone, so I spend as much money on it as I am able to. Likewise, my guests spend money purchasing new outfits, making travel arrangements, meals, etc. If they give me a card or a gift at the end of the event, great and thanks to them! But if not… I mean, they came to my wedding. They helped make my milestone celebration memorable.

I can understand why/how other people see things differently. But what flabberghasts me is the notion that someone doesn’t deserve a sincere thank you because they didn’t give you a material item, be it a card or my aforementioned crystal duck. Maybe I’m on the wrong side of the ettiquette tracks with this, but that rubs me the wrong way. “Jane gets a warm thank-you note because she gave me something, but all Marcy did was come to my wedding so she gets no acknowledgement at all!”

Maybe I was wrong to think you send a thank you to everyone?

Post # 71
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was upset by the lack of cards at my wedding as well, but they were all DH’s friends, not mine. I was actually shocked by it, considering some of them are engaged.

I didn’t expect people to give gifts, but I did expect cards. Some social groups are just different. In my family, the siblings got each other wedding gifts. In DH’s, his siblings got us nothing, and I don’t even think they signed the card from his folks (they are over 18).

From what I remember, I think my non gift/card was around 15% (of total invited guests, including those that didn’t show). The only people that came with no gift/card were DH’s friends…

And whoever said about rich people being rich because they are cheap is so right. Looking at a few gifts on our list.. yea I won’t go there.

Post # 72
Member
679 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I hear ya! I was slightly disheartened after our wedding.  I realized that I was way too generous when it came to wedding gifts for one.  And I couldn’t believe that people came with nothing when I had given them gifts for their weddings.  I even had a few people tell me for months after “I still owe you a wedding gift.”  Never saw those! 

Post # 73
Member
5653 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2012

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@Cougar09:  It is because your time is valuable that a card is so meaningful.

Look at it this way: are you implying that going to a wedding itself is a sacrafice for someone? Enjoying all that free food, entertainment and booze is hard for someone? Obviously attending a destination wedding can be expensive and time consuming, but going to a local party on the weekend sounds like a reward rather than a burden to me. 

Even though it only took a few minutes, someone went out of their way to go to the store, pick a card and write a personalized message for the couple inside. That IS more meaningful than just attending the party they paid for, frankly lol.

Post # 74
Member
2065 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Honestly, yeah I was a little upset with the lack of cards. Probably about 15% that showed up at the wedding didn’t bring anything. I can understand no gift, but at least take some time to acknowledge this HUGE life event with a card or a letter or something. 

My mother suggested I send a thank you card to everyone that showed up sans-card/gift but I just worry that it will be seen as rude. A thank you card just for attending? I always thought paying for their meal, booze, favor, etc (aka the reception) was the thank you for the guests for showing up. I’m afraid that if I send thank you notes to the non-gifters, they’ll just see it as me trying to guilt them into sending us something, which I totally do NOT want.

Post # 75
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@DeathByDesign:  Fair enough. Fair enough. Smile I see your point.  Or as my Fiance is fond of saying.. “Touche… Touche”  I may have to adjust my perspective here a bit.

 

Post # 76
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

How old were the majority of the guests that didn’t bring anything?  I’ll be honest, when I was under 25, I wouldn’t have even thought about bringing a card because it wasn’t something I was ever told to do.  I assumed cards were just things people that liked to buy cards did and, personally, I throw most cards I get away so my family doesn’t even exchange cards anymore because we see them as a waste of money.  And I couldn’t afford a gift at that age.  If the people haven’t been to a lot of weddings, like me, they might not realize that it’s expected of them.  Growing up, I was always told that your presence was what counted, not a card.  A gift was just extra special.

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