2nd date and nothing !

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
1007 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

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@lilceeja124:  My advice is to in person while talking ask him “what he’s looking for? Are you at a dating around hookup place in life or are you looking for a relationship?” You can go deeper and ask what he wants out of life, if he ever wants to be married or if getting married is important to him. Having more kids ect..

Then you ask these types of questions you don’t end up playing yourself. Aka, becoming invested in a guy that wants different things than you. You can decide if what you both want is compatible. You’ll know if you are hanging out or dating. If his intention is to move forward or just hook up. Asking early on prevents, awkward what are we doing conversations down the line. It clarifies intentions. 

When I was done “hanging out” with people I made it very clear on the first or second date what I was looking for. I’m at a relationship place in my life, I’m not in to wasting my time so if you arnt there or don’t see that with me let me know. 

 

Post # 63
Member
568 posts
Busy bee

Here is an important phrase that really helped me when I was single: “Does this person add value to my life?”

I did the online dating thing for about 2.5 years. I eventually met FH in person, but I did have some success online. I was a novice to dating as an adult when I started though (after a 10 year relationship) so it was confusing to navigate. I definitely learned that there are men out there who will tell you what you want to hear in the beginning and continue to see you in person if you keep messaging them, even if they know you don’t want the same things. I think these guys realize they may get sex out of it a few times before you catch on. By the time you catch on, they are likely already talking to other women. After having that happen a few times I started to notice the pattern. These guys were often vague about what they were looking for. They would say things that I might interpret as them wanting the same things as me but they wouldn’t actually SAY what they wanted. It was a lot of “you know, I am getting sick of the bar scene and online dating… I’m really starting to think more about the future and what I want. I see my friends starting to settle down and starting families”. Sounds nice, but that isn’t really telling me what you want. However, because I was new to dating and really wanted to get into another serious relationship I often would convince myself that these men were GREAT! Typically they would initiate dates at first and then fizzle out. I’d keep contacting them and we’d see each other a few more times but something always felt off. I was never really sure how they felt about me but they always replied when I reached out. With every single one of them I had a moment of clarity and realized if I stopped texting them I would likely never hear from them again. And with every single one, I was right. 

After figuring that out, I started having a lot of first and second dates that went nowhere. It was frustrating but I also knew that I wasn’t wasting my time going further with guys that would add no value to my life. When I met FH he made it very clear how he felt about me. Because of what I had learned from online dating, I wasn’t sure about what to make of him. He kept initiating and we kept hanging out. We had good dates but I was often waiting for the fizzle. I never felt the need to post on a forum to question his feelings though. The fizzle never came and he continued to show me that he was a great man who wanted all the same things I wanted. He added value to my life. 

Post # 65
Member
568 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, with FH it just sort of flowed naturally. At first he initiated more often than I did. Sometimes in the beginning we would go a day or two without texting. Keep in mind, we met through an organization we volunteer with so I had seen him regularly (once or twice a week) for months before we started dating. With online dating, even though you have had one or two dates wtih a guy he is still mostly a stranger. Expecting daily contact may be unreasonable. This guy may want all the same things you want but he is being cautious about bombarding you for fear of coming off needy or desperate. 

With FH, when we did start dating we saw each other once a week or maybe once every other week at first. Eventually it was just assumed that we would see each other at least once over the weekend with a sleepover. We didn’t become “official” for 4 or 5 months. Not long after we were official we started spending full weekends together and including each other in social gatherings with friends and family. After that, our lives were entwined. We didn’t have any sit down conversations about any other this with the exception of becoming official. Even then, all that conversation consisted of was me telling him that I had referred to him as my boyfriend to someone in conversation and wanted to know what he thought about that. 

Post # 66
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

One thing I have noticed, is that a lot of my girlfriends who online date, tend to get excited about one guy and sort of put all their eggs in one basket with him, so to speak, only focusing their attention on that one guy. Most of my guy friends on average who online date, have a lot of girls in rotation until they narrow it down to the one or few they want to focus on. When they drop off in communication a bit, it is usually because they are out with different women. Not to drag him if this is what he is doing, I actually think you should keep your options wide open too! After my divorce, I would tend to make the wrong guys fit and had blinders on as to if they were actually the right fit. I wish I had held off a bit more, dated more people at the same time, and really though critically about what I wanted. 

Post # 67
Member
13260 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Did he actually make a definite plan and time with you? If not, he’s likely either dating around or not that serious. 

Post # 68
Member
3760 posts
Honey bee

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@dashwoodgirl:  this is so true.  

After my divorce I was the same way.  I would focus on one guy and when things didn’t work out, i was upset about it.

Then I learned to keep my options open and keep dating/talking to others.  And I also went into all first dates with the expectation of having fun, good conversation and and enjoyable night.  Not to meet my next LTR.  Of course, I was still disappointed when I thought we had a connection and then nothing came of it, but it helped out for the majority of first dates I went on.

Post # 70
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

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@dashwoodgirl:  This is what I did when I was online dating too.  At the time I was still raw from a breakup and wasn’t really interested in finding ‘the one’, I just wanted to get out of the house, meet people, and do new things.  I dated several guys online at once and I know almost all of them were doing the same.

I was never stressed if a guy didn’t message me because at least one of them was.  I didn’t get too invested because I was too busy.  I rarely, if ever, texted first because I didn’t truly care and dating several people at once was time consuming. If men asked if I was dating someone else, and only 1 ever did, I’d tell them.  When I found myself more interested in one over the others I’d do more things with that person than any of the others but I didn’t stop talking to or hanging out with the others.  Things never got more intimate than kissing with anyone.

When I met my now SO I was talking to 4-5 different guys.  My SO made it very evident he was ‘all in’. Freaked me out at first a little.  It took about 2 months of dating my SO before I completely stopped talking to all of the other people I was ‘dating’.  I’m not sure this would work for everyone, but I found it refreshing not to worry about if he liked me, if I seemed needy, if I should text him or how long it’s been since he texted me.  It was a very ‘take me as I am and I’m not giving any more than I’m receiving’ which was very empowering. 

Post # 71
Member
13260 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@lilceeja124:  If the son is really sick, and it’s contagious, that just proves that he or his ex are not isolating as he had you believe. I’d ask a few pointed questions about his son’s illness and whether anyone else in that household is sick. Of course it’s always possible it’s an excuse to cover for the fact that he’s juggling women. 

Post # 72
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

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@lilceeja124:  It sounds like you’ve got some promising updates, OP, but I want to make a distinction for you – it’s something I learned the hard way.

You keep asking about what he’s “looking for.”  Yes, this is a great conversation to have in the beginning of a relationship – to see if someone is marriage-minded, afraid of commitment, etc.  But there’s a distinction between LOOKING FOR SOMETHING and LOOKING FOR IT WITH YOU.

And this is why you can’t get too excited yet.  Neither of you can know if you’re looking for “it” with one another!  You’re still in the interview phase.  You don’t really know one another.  You’re trying each other on for size.  And I know how hard it is, but you really have to keep this in mind when you start getting really excited.  I’m not saying not to enjoy it, because that’s part of the fun, but temper your expectations.  Neither of you know if you’re a good fit yet!  And that’s ok.  That’s the nature of dating.  If one of you makes what you may consider a “mistake” – then you’re just not for each other, because that doesn’t happen to people who are meant to be together.  There’s no such thing as a “mistake,” it’s just being your authentic self and being loved for it.

I hope you guys get to see one another soon and you get some more clarity, but it’s ok to just breathe and roll with it and get to know him too.  Find out what YOU want instead of trying to guess what HE wants, and whether he wants it with you.

Post # 73
Member
937 posts
Busy bee

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@lilceeja124:  

Aside from the judgmental comments about the hickeys and social distancing, which are completely out of left field in my opinion and are completely up to your own discretion if you are not breaking the law and have buggerall to do with us on this thread (and as for the suggestion to ask pointed questions about his son’s illness – WTAF?), you have received some great feedback on this thread.

It is unbelievably easy to seem like a great person for the duration of two dates. This is not to say that he is not a great guy; it’s to say that you do not know and cannot possibly know what kind of person he really is, so keep your expectations really low or non-existent at this stage. This will protect you as well, because if you are not expecting anything, it actually makes it much easier to let people just show you who they are without getting hurt.

The fact that you are upset and worried about being vulnerable tells me you are possibly a bit raw still emotionally and have attached to this guy a little much and too quickly. Two dates really is nothing. The only way for a person to reveal who they are and what their intentions are towards you is to give it time, so I suggest practice putting this guy into his proper place in your mind. He is not relationship potential yet – he is not even a friend. He is simply someone you have met twice. Yes you kissed, but ultimately, you don’t know each other yet.

I also second the people who say you are a little too worried about pleasing him – worried about doing the wrong thing or scaring him away. You are entitled to be direct and to expect directness and honesty from him. Be nice and polite about it, but there is nothing at all wrong with asking him what he is looking for, whether he would like to continue exploring things between the two of you, or whether he wants to go out again. You are a feeling human being with rights here – this is the minimum that you are entitled to in the dating world – to know where you stand.

If he is non-committal in his answers, says he doesn’t know what he wants, or is negative in any way, my advice would be to wish him luck and move on. Too many women (myself included in the past) waste a lot of time and attention on guys who are not proactive or have no definite intentions towards them.

Good luck!

 

Post # 74
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2019

Any update here? Did you hand out again?

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