2nd love way different then 1st one?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

So I had the same feeling with my current bf. My first was an emotional roller coaster constantly, with big rushes of emotion and huge swells of love that when things were bad, came crashing down.

My current bf, it’s steady and caring. I cry happy tears thinking about him, because it’s so different. With my ex, we would do things to spite each other, there is none of that. There are no huge rushes of emotion, just steady. I was very concerned, I am very guarded with my love and feelings and thought something was wrong. It feels realistic and right.

The love feels different because it is different.

Post # 4
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It probably feels different because he’s not constantly ogling other women and blatantly showing you that he does not respect or prioritize you.

I felt the same way when I met my husband after a toxic relationship with someone who totally took me for granted. It was like night and day. With my ex, my relationship was a source of constant anxiety and distress…I felt like I had to have the strength of a warrior to get through each day. With my husband, my relationship is my rock. It’s the most stable, secure thing in my life. My marriage could not be a more different experience than my last relationship, and thank god for that!

Post # 6
Member
6446 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Although this may not be the case for you, many times first “love” is actually infatuation. Infatuation seems to continue, especially when you feel insecure – you wonder how he feels, you wonder if he’ll call, you wonder if you’re the most attractive woman in the room for him, etc. But when you find actual love, there is none of that insecurity (often mistaken for “butterflies”) because you KNOW how he feels; you KNOW he will call; and you KNOW you are the one for him. So nothing feels like first love because first love is often an awful lot of passion, newness, insecurity and nervousness as opposed to real, stable, predictable, self-esteem boosting LOVE.

Post # 7
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

There’s generally social psychology research that suggests that people tend to be thrilled by the uncertainty when it comes to romance.  It’s exciting to get a phone call for another date if you aren’t sure you’re going to get one. It’s less exciting when your husband of 10 years calls and asks what flavor yogurt you want from the grocery store. 

People sort of I think mesh that excitement into their feelings for the person. The problem is as a relationship goes on, uncertainty over whether someone is going to do the caring thing starts to be a bad thing–like your first relarionship. Stable and loving relationships have an inherent level of certainty that takes away from the excitement people confuse as “passion”. 

Not everyone does this, but I think a lot of people do, especially when they’re young. 

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