(Closed) 2nd Time Around Brides- How Do You feel? (Vent & Question)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Oh yes.   I think your family meant well but does not change how unnecessary it is or the fact it hurt you.  One person funny is not the next LOL Mine was not meant well so if you want to hear something worse to cheer you up:

Before I went to destination wedding my Fiance wanted a big wedding (his first time) while planning my FMI said “why would you want a big wedding your already have one wedding”. Yeah she said it so snotty.  Then she said oh yeah what about your tattoo, maybe in you first wedding you could show it but your older now you know.  YEAH she said it. After she found out we decided on small destination wedding she refused to go because her grandbabies from her first born son could not come.  Seems some people are just hard to satisfy no matter what you do.  Oh and  one persons funny is not another but as long as it was not done with attitude I would try and shrug it off the best I could.  

Post # 4
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

yeah that’s not funny. 

This will be my second marriage.  My first marriage lasted 12 years.

I was worried that Fiance would be bothered by the fact that I was married before but he isn’t.  I’ve been really honest about everything – for example he suggested a song to be played but I had it played at my first wedding so I told him.

I would completely ignore the comments.  Some people just like to hear themselves talk and have no idea how stupid they sound.

Post # 6
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@actime:  I feel pretty good.  This is my FI’s first marriage so we’re really doing it up.  I felt bad about that at first, but ultimately decided what other people thought didn’t matter.  Our parents are thrilled and totally on board.  The rest of our friends and family have had different reactions.  Some told Fiance and I outright that they are treating this like my first wedding as my first one didn’t “count” (my ex-H was abusive, unfaithful, and had a whole host of other demons, and no one was sad to see me divorce), others have given us the side-eye when we mention aspects of our traditional wedding. 

Not a single person has made a comment like that to me though.  It’s just not appropriate, no matter how funny or teasing it was meant to be.  I’ve found that raised eyebrows and an incredulous “Why would you say something like that?” can really work well in a situation like that.  Generally people realize they’re being tactless and back off. 

Post # 7
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Ug, everyone keeps saying that to me.  The worst person is my mother…for months she said things like, “Why are you bothering with a wedding?  I just don’t understand,” and “Are you sure you really want to wear a white dress?  Really?”  When I told her I was going to wear a veil (not in front of my face, but still tucked in my hair) she flipped and went off about how I already had my “big day” and why was I doing this?  (extra info: she has had three big weddings, one for each marriage).

Other people say things like “Let’s get this one right, okay?”  AND I was Maid/Matron of Honor for my best friend recently.  The groom’s mother gave a speech at a rehearsal dinner and said, “And when things get tough, stick it out.  Don’t get divorced.  You just don’t do that,” and she turned to look straight at me.  She’s even aware that my first marriage ended because my husband was abusive and I refused to stay in the situation.

A few people are making murmurs that by having a wedding, I’m just trying to get gifts.  We’re paying for it ourselves, I’m pretty sure we’re going to spend more than we’ll receive back in gifts and we’re okay with that.  In fact, we’re okay with NO gifts.  We just want a freaking wedding day to remember and have pictures of to celebrate the fact that we’re married, and this is the LAST time we’ll ever get married (unless, you know, one of us is widowed).

It really helps me to think of some insecurity of whoever is making the joke and think of a witty thing to say about it but not say it.  Maybe my mistake was a very public one, but I know I did the right thing by ending that marriage.  I am doing the right thing by marrying my Fiance.  I am celebrating that day and if other people are going to hate, they’re going to hate.  Most of them don’t realize how hurtful they’re being, so if it’s a friend who I care about I will say, “I know you mean that as a joke but I really don’t find it funny and don’t want to joke about it.  I would appreciate if you would respect that.”  And if it’s someone who I know and vaguely care about but who doesn’t matter to me on a deep level, I just kind of roll my eyes and don’t bother.

Post # 11
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@actime:  To be honest? I think my response to both of those would have been, “Hmm…was that supposed to be funny? B/c it wasn’t. Remember that there’s still time for your own marriage not to work out.” 

I hate ignorant people. 

Post # 13
Member
5475 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I look at it this way- if you made a mistake when you were younger, why should your other half pay for it now? 

Post # 15
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@actime:  Thank you so much, I’m okay with it really, it’s just really frustrating!  My mom loves my Fiance but hates that we’re having a wedding.  A few other people seem to feel the same way and I really don’t know where they’re coming from.  At least if they had a problem with Fiance, I’d understand!

It’s awesome that your mom calls your Fiance son-in-law!

Post # 16
Member
7902 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

This is my second marriage, but it will be FI’s first. I have no problem with comments like that, as long as they are coming from a nice person. I have a toxic friend, and when she says things like that, it bothers me. I think it all depends on your personality. I have a healthy relationship with my past mistakes and a light-hearted, easy-going, optimistic attitude in general and I often joke about these things myself. I’m so comfortable and secure in my decision to marry again because I have recognized the mistakes I made before and I can see and feel such a difference with this relationship, so I can joke about it, but that’s me, and we are all different. If it hurts you, you are perfectly justified in those feelings. Take shelter in your love and try not to let it get to you.

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