Post # 1
My fiancé & I were both married before. It find it really bothers me when people say its the second time. You probably don’t want the big wedding again, you already that. ( actually no I haven’t. Fiancé did but why does it matter?)
My fiancé said people asked him if we are having a buck & doe & he said no. It’s our second marriage.
I don’t get it. Are they right. Is it an age thing? I’m 38.he’s 42 or am I wrong. After first marriage everything else should be small? It feels like I’m supposed to be ashamed!
Anyone else getting this? Wht are your thoughts??
Post # 3
The marriage is about your love. I don’t know if you want to go big, but go as big as you wish. Because you married before makes your upcoming marriage no less special. In fact it may make it that much more special because you know what to expect and you’re still walking down the isle. Tell them to buzz off if they offend you.
In my case, my first wedding was horrific, just as horrific as the marriage. My wedding to my fiance is going to be beautiful, just like our love and devotion.
Post # 4
Thanks!! I can handle others not to bad Although it still hurts but having my fiance tell me a couple people asked him if he’s having a buck and doe & he told them no. We’ve both been married before.
That hurt. For one. I feel like he also thinks this is less significant & secondly he has never asked me how I feel about this…
Im guessing his best man asked him if he wanted him to throw one for us & he said no. : (
Post # 5
Why don’t you bring this up with him and ask him how he feels? Make sure you are both on the same page about what you both want
Post # 6
I think people expect second weddings not to be a big deal. I can think if a number of reasons for this, which would be wildly unpopular to write here, but may be valid. Sorry, just my observations.
Post # 7
I had a very very small wedding the first time (just the two of us and the pastor), his was pretty small and rushed. Both marriages were crap.
This is a totally different situation and everyone who knows us knows it. We are going big (but casual) and fun….no appolgies.
Post # 8
I don’t think second weddings need to be smaller just because they’re second weddings. If people want to have a more intimate feel than their last wedding (just look at all the brides on here that wish they were having a smaller wedding), then that’s fine. I don’t think it needs to be smaller or any less special just by virtue of being an encore.
Geez, it’s almost like saying that you shouldn’t celebrate the birth of your second child just because you already celebrated the first one. It’s two different things with different people involved!
Post # 9
This is a different wedding for a different couple. You should do what you want and what you’ll be happy with. Ignore the opinionated people.
Post # 10
I think it really depends on what the individuals involved want, big, small or otherwise. Who cares what other people think? My Fiance has been married before (I haven’t) and when someone said to me, “Oh, well, you’ll want to keep it small, being his second wedding and all.” and I replied, “Well, it’s OUR first wedding so we’re going to do what we want, thanks.”
I can understand there may be situations in which a couple would elect to keep things low-key, for a myriad of reasons….but it should be their own reasons, not becuase they feel ashamed or less special or because that’s what others think is right.
Post # 11
Thanks guys!! I totally agree. My first wedding to me, has no effect on my second wedding. My first one was crappy/ small/ planned by my mom. & now I feel like this is the “one”
& know I’m getting ripped off because fiancé feels that second weddings just shouldn’t have certain things.
I feel if my fiancé feels this is less significant or not deserving of some things he deemed okay to do with the first wife at his first wedding, well I feel like why should I marry you?
How would you guys react if fiancé was making decisions without you because he feels they are inappropriate to do because “it’s the second time” ??
Post # 12
Meh, some people just love being judgey. I’m just thankful that my family and friends are not and have been nothing but excited for us (this is my second, FI’s first), and if they feel any differently, they’ve sure done a great job of hiding it.
I would definitely have a talk with your Fiance. You guys just need to get on the same page so that you have a united front when these questions arise. 🙂
Post # 13
@fireNice: i was an encore bride too and we are close to your ages so i can relate perfectly. my husband didn’t want a big wedding b/c he said that he had one the first time. what is it with men? i think they are all alike.
i told him that my last wedding was a decent size too but there were so many things that i would have done differently. for one, i hated my dress. so i told him that i want to have a wedding that i wouldn’t look back with regrets. i didn’t care about the size, it was everything else.
we just had an intimate wedding with 38 guests but in a beautiful venue. the food was fantastic. the flowers were beautiful and i loved my dress. i wouldn’t have changed a thing.
our family and friends were very happy and supportive with our decision.
i looked at it this way, it may not be my first wedding, but it’s going to be my last wedding so i am going to have everything that i want.
Post # 14
it may not be my first wedding, but it’s going to be my last wedding so i am going to have everything that i want.
(disclaimer, I just married for the first time, so I have no actual insight on a failing marriage or a second one)… I know I may get burned for saying this, but since you;re asking… its this statement that I feel a lot of encores say, and it’s just harder to take in it cause that’s what the first marriage should have been well, the last one… forever like the first set of vows said also. So while I and truely thrilled for people who find love again after an ended marriage, and it should be celebrated and it is completely special to the couple, but as the onlooker… I’m sorry, but it is sort of like a been there done that, how can I be sure that this time is forever like the last one should have been.
Post # 15
But a marriage is a celebration of love. Period. Did you not celebrate your second child’s birth because you already celebrated the first one?
I hate to say it but forever is what we shoot for but if it turns out not to be what does that have to do with celebrating a second marriage?
My first husband turned into a horrible control fReak. I didn’t sign up for that. So now I find true love & you want to snub it because I never predicted how horrible the first husband would turn out to be & despite vows I chose to love & take care of me too. Vows don’t apply when people mis treat you.
PI didn’t just wake up one day & say, gee. I feel like getting a new husband. ..
Post # 16
I think you should be able to do whatever you want. It IS a celebration of love. It is a WONDERFUL thing to be able to find love, even if it takes you a couple of tries, and I fully believe that it is worth celebrating in whatever way will make you happy.
However, I know not everyone feels this way. Some people just feel very strongly about certain things, and it’s not possible to convince them otherwise. For example, some people feel very strongly against going to a wedding if the couple previously did a private civil ceremony because they feel the wedding is now meaningless. (I won’t get into that because there are very strong divergent opinions here also.) Other (more oldfashioned) people feel very strongly against the bride wearing white if she’s not a virgin. I think this is no different. I think your fiance responded the way he did because he was worried about what other people think, not because he thinks your wedding is less important. You’re always going to have someone with some kind of opinion because what you want to do doesnt fit into their “ideal world” of what weddings should be. My response to that? Screw them. Do whatever you want. It’s YOUR celebration at finding true love.
You can’t please everyone, and if you do, you won’t please yourself.