Post # 1
Thanks for reading, any advice would be much appreciated! It’s my second wedding and my fiance’s first. We live really close to his friends and family, where mine are spread out all over the country. He wants a big wedding in the city where we currently live, where I would much rather elope. His family hasn’t offered to help financially and we are buying a house this fall, so finances are limited. My reasons for not wanting a large wedding are the limited finances along with the fact that I already did that and honestly it was exhausting… I want the day to be about our love and commitment to each other, not about entertaining 250 friends/family members and the food, decorations, etc that go along with that. I’m not sure how we compromise on this… it wouldn’t be possible to do a small wedding here because he doesn’t feel that he could leave any extended family or close friends out (he is really close to a large number of friends in the area). So either we do a large wedding here that is 90% his friends and family, or we elope. I’ve talked about eloping and then doing a reception/barbeque, something casual, with friends/family when we get back.. but he feels it’s important for his family to be there for the ceremony. I was thinking we could possibly do a small destination wedding.. but his parents are alcoholics and any celebration type of event they go overboard… and it’s really difficult to be around them when they are like that. It starts off simply awkward and embarassing, but then they usually argue (have a very bad marriage) and it’s just a mess. It’s really hard on my fiance when his parents are drinking.. Okay even if no-one comments this post has been theraputic/helpful because I think I just realized that maybe a big reason I want to elope is because I don’t want his parents to ruin our wedding. But how would you tell that to your fiance? That doesn’t seem fair to him and seems like a terrible thing to want. Ugh. I don’t know. Any insight into 2nd marriage ettiquette, weddings with family members who are alcoholics, or eloping/traditional wedding would be much appreciated.
Post # 2
I got married 8 months ago, second wedding for me, first for him. Something I definitely took for granted for a while was that maybe he might have a vision for how he wanted his wedding to be. I think we can assume that men just don’t have that, then it turns out that they do! So I think you need to listen to his wants and factor that into the plan! I just wanted to go to Vegas and get married by Darth Vader lol. But it was super important to him to have a wedding with his family there. So we compromised by having a pretty intimate event, only immediate family (parents, siblings, grandparents) and a few close friends. It ended up being 65ish people. We did our ceremony in a beautiful spot, followed by dinner and socializing. No dancing, no wedding shenanigans, no cake cutting. Just the opportunity to share some food and some time with the people most important to us. There is compromise to be found, you just have to talk it out.
Post # 3
You guys need to come to a compromise. A lot of people don’t realize what a wedding costs, exactly. Why don’t you tell him you’re willing to explore his option? Then take him to some venues, get prices, talk to caterers and break down the cost, make sure all linens/silverware, etc. are added to the price. Get rough costs of your dress and his suit/tux/whatever. Sit down with him and break down the budget, what you spend monthly in living expenses, and your incomes. Now what does he think about a big wedding?
Maybe once he realizes how much this is and that you guys can’t afford it with your house purchase, he’ll start shifting his focus. Maybe it means you guys scale back the wedding and have a smaller one.
Post # 4
Agree. I’m clearly very into this wedding thing, but had many “uh, maybe we should elope?” moments very early on. Was really surprised when Fiance said he wanted to have a full on wedding O.O
Post # 5
Thanks for the advice! Maybe he will reconsider once he sees the real expense. It’s easy to say weddings are expensive but if you’ve never planned one it’s hard to comprehend how much it really adds up.
Post # 6
Yeah, I don’t think he understands just yet. You’ve been through it before, so you know how out of control the budget can get. He hasn’t. Give him a realistic picture of what it will do to your finances. Is it worth it to him? If he still wants to go forward with a big wedding, ultimately somehow you’ll both have to compromise. That’s what marriage is all about anyway!!!