(Closed) 2nd wife syndrome

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2334 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

The only thing I’m self conscious about is being annouced as “for the first time, Mr. and Mrs. BooRadley!” because it’s not the first time that has been announced.  I requested the pastor say our first names and actually wrote it into the DJ contract.  Other than that, I know no one will be thinking of his previous marriage.  Just last night, my Fiance was talking about how he didn’t know anyone with his ex’s maiden name…he honestly didn’t even remember that was her name until I reminded him.  People forget and will be focusing on you!

Post # 18
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

Ha, Im a second wife and my Future Mother-In-Law in law from hell who has decided she likes me now, gave me FI’s and first wifey’s wedding album when she was in the hate me stage. Now all is kosher and they were married over 13 years ago so I dont foresee me having any overlapping stuff.

Post # 19
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My Fiance waited 5 years after they divorced to date and eventually met me and established a relationship. It doesnt bother me because if I was anything like his ex he wouldnt have asked me to marry him. I have enough self-confidence that what anyone says or doesnt say has no affect on me because he chose me. I cant be consumed about his past because it is just.

Post # 20
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I am engaged to a man that was married before. He got maried in the late 90’s. I was also married before but it was a city hall thing.

His wedding was huge (aprox 300 guests) he barely remembers few details, got drunk and didn’t even have a “wedding night” cuz they were both too tired etc…

I am not at all worried that our wedding will be similiar. Ours will be for 100 guests. not in a hall but an old mansion with lots of candlelight. We want it to be sensual, romantic, warm… just us. All in that already different from his first.

His friends and family are very supportive and want to help with planning it.

As for my dress….. what i saw on pictures… i have nothing to worry about 🙂

Post # 21
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This was a great thread.  I appreciate hearing so much honesty.

One of our premarriage counselors told us that “remarriage is rooted in loss.”  I hated to hear that.. but I have to admit the truth.  The second marriage comes as a result of the loss of the first.  And it’s been hard for me to get over that too (my first, his second).

We have been able to make our wedding completely different from his first.  So that helps.  But what I keep reminding myself is..life is not always linear.  Sure, some people meet and mate for life when they are in their 20s… but that doesn’t happen to everyone.

This is my first wedding and I plan to be happy.  It’s my FI’s second and for he is thrilled.  And all the people we invited are thrilled for us.  Those who are not, aren’t coming!

Post # 22
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@Tangled:  my moms a second wife. she says people never thought it would work because the first didnt. thoug i guess out of all of his brothers, all were married more than once and theres is the only one that lasted. soooo 1 for ten. eeee

Post # 23
Member
11456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@bunny8:  I didn’t comment on the original thread, but I also was a first-time bride marrying a man who had been married previously. 

I didn’t really have any concerns about the wedding itself, because my Darling Husband had a very small first wedding and it took place under less-than-optimal conditions more than half of his life ago. However, I experienced some challenges that I had not anticipated after I was married.

I was thinking marriage would be this entirely new, exciting experience for us as a couple.  For me, everything  was completely new (and I do mean EVERYTHING, because we had only kissed each other prior to our wedding night.) However, because my Darling Husband had already been married for more than 20 years — and had already raised (and was still in the process of raising) multiple children, including two teenage girls — he was, by that time in his life, so  used to being around a wife and daughters that he essentially was quite desensitized to my emotions and expectations.

Because he and his children could not relocate, I had to essentially give up my life as I knew it to relocate to his world to join his existing life, already in progress. I knew in my head that I would need to do this, but I was completely emotionally unprepared for how all of this played out in terms of establishing the beginnings of our relationship.

These are the kinds of things we don’t always remember to think about while we’re wrapped up in the wedding planning. So many of us try to plan every single detail of our weddings, but we don’t necessarily devote enough attention to preparing for marriage.

Post # 24
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Brielle:  Thanks for sharing your story.  I agree that people get too focused on the wedding planning and not enough on the marriage.  

Post # 25
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I will be a second wife, and am feeling all the same things as the OP. I try to remind myself that it wasn’t a great marriage and all that but the insecurity of it all gets to me sometimes. He isn’t involved my h in wedding planning, and although he says its because he wants me to have it the way I want and the way I see it, I still feel sometimes like its “been there, done that” for him. So OP, although I have no advice to give, know you’re not alone.

Post # 26
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I am going to be a 2nd wife and I have some flashes of insecurity from time to time, but I know that if it was so great and awesome the first time we wouldn’t be together now.  He will also say things like (when I asked how he felt about getting married again) he isn’t “getting married again” he’s “getting married to me” which makes it so special.  He has been great at erasing any insecurities when they do arise…

Post # 27
Member
13 posts
Newbee

My boyfriend hasn’t asked me to marry hm yet, but we have talked about it extensively. He was married for a few years before they decided to call it quits, and even though that relationship is over it does still get to me. I hate it when his mother talks about his ex wife to me. I love his mother dearly and I know she means no harm, but it’s a hard pill to swallow when you are already insecure. What I try to tell myself now is, that’s a part of his past and if I love him and accept him I have to accept that too. I guess just like some of the other ladies I have wondered how will this time around (whenever we do get married) differ from his last?

BUT what I keep telling myself is, if he was meant to be with her and if they were supposed to still be married, they would still be married and not divorced. He tells me all the time that he has never loved some one as much as he loves me. Sometimes it’s hard to hear that because it’s like, “C’mon, you asked another woman to marry you and went on to marry her.” But then I tell myself, “obviously he feels like this relationship is different!” I’m a work in progress lol.

Post # 29
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Definitely!

We have our own plates we both brought into the home, but he/we still have some plateware from his first marriage he kept after the divorce (no sentimental value, he just needed plates!).  He’s let me break some of them (I said it was theraputic for me, haha) and we are definitely getting new dishes in the next year. 

I just get stabby everytime I look at them.  I know it’s dumb but gah…

Post # 30
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I went through this and struggled with it for awhile. My biggest fear was my look, I didn’t want to look anything like her. I asked him what her dress looked like and went the completely opposite way. I finally decided that enough was enough and I had to start planning my wedding how I wanted it. My husband was married 20 years ago and there really was no way that my modern wedding would be like thiers. He ended up telling me a week before our wedding that he didn’t even remember his first because he was so trashed….so classy. He could have told me that at the beginning though and I wouldn’t have stressed so much!

Try and keep your eye on the prize, he is with you, not her!

ETA: Haha, just saw you already got married! Hope it was beautiful and perfect!

Post # 31
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Birdee106:  The day I went dress shopping, I was at the store and texted Fiance to ask him what her dress looked like.  He still has the wedding album in the basement so he had to run down and try and dig for it, lol.  When he told me (I had seen it before but didn’t remember) we both breathed a sigh of relief – again, that was almost 20 years ago, styles have changed and also from what I have seen of her, I am more stylish and my wedding look would have been complete opposite from here, with or without knowing what her look was.

Also, he told me (when I was asking about colors we might want – mostly for my bouquet since we aren’t doing the big she-bang) he did say she loved purple, as in was obsessed with it.  That’s my favorite color and I was disappointed – how DARE she have the same favorite color? Then, today, I thought – how DARE her stupid preference ruin MY day and my wants?  Fiance even said “go for the colors YOU want”. So I’m going to.

It’s exhausting being a woman sometimes…
 

The topic ‘2nd wife syndrome’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors