(Closed) 2nd worst night of my life last night..

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m so sorry for your situation.  I don’t know what to say other than *hugs*.  I would be sick too if I found out something like this from my Fiance. 

Post # 4
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m so sorry.  Here’s a virtual *hug*

From what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like anything physical happened.  That still doesn’t change the fact that he sought out a woman on the internet and saw her naked.  To me, that’s an emotional affair.  His mental issues don’t have anything to do with this and he simply shouldn’t have done it.  I think you both need to evaluate things and rebuild trust, if that’s what you want.

Post # 5
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. Realizing the person who you love and are going to marry, was doing something like this, is obviously earth shattering. Even if he did not meet the woman, nothing about what he did was okay, and to use you drooling over strippers as an excuse, is diverting responsibility of what he did onto to you. Mature people in a relationship don’t do things to get at someone for doing something. They talk about it and express their feelings, which from what you shared, he doesn’t seem like he is able to do.

I can’t imagine what I would do in your place, but I definitely think he alone or both of you together need to go to see a therapist before you get married. This issue about more than just the betrayal of your trust, it also highlighted an inability to communicate his needs and feelings on his part. You can’t have a successful marriage if you have someone going behind your back everytime you do something they may not like.


Post # 6
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Oh sweetheart (( hugs )) Do you think you can forgive him? Do you want to? There is no shame in trying to work it out just as there is no shame in leaving/ I am so sorry 🙁

Post # 7
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

hugs as well… stay strong for your baby..and dont make any rash decisions when you are so emotional. 

Post # 8
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am very sorry you are going through this. it is horrible and hurtful and embarrassing so I’m sure everyone understands why you are upset. I know it owuld be hard to tell you family, because if you make it throught this they will still be mad at him.

That said: 

and asked her for pictures because he found out I was having strippers at my bachelorette and he had heard I was drooling over them.

wrong. wrong. wrong. That is not why he is doing this, and you should not feel like this is your fault. I would like to give you some advice based on experience I have had, but I’m not sure that is what you are looking for at this time. But I can give you a virtual hug.

Post # 9
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@flamingred:  YES!

I am so sorry for what you’re going through, and I can’t even imagine how you must feel right now. I am sending SO SO many virtual hugs your way.

But PLEASE DO NOT LET HIM BLAME THIS ON YOU. Your having strippers at your bachelorette is in NO WAY a justification for his behaviour. He is 100% in the wrong on this one, and blaming it on you when you already feel awful was a really crummy thing to do on his part.


Post # 10
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh hon, I’m so sorry this happened. I can feel your sorrow. I think you guys need to have a long conversation about this. I see several things here. For ex., the fact that he found out you are having strippers at your Bridal Party does not give him an excuse to be texting and requesting pics of a woman. Depression and anxiety about the problem he says he’s been having does not get fix with that either and is not an excuse either to hide things from you and lie to you about it. “He assured me everything shes done for him still made him have the problem.” This stament throws me off a bit because is not like this woman is a Psychologist or Licensed Sexual therapist. Also the fact that he says he isn’t interested in her does not make it true, I woud ask myself “What if you never saw those tabs?” You think he would have ever said something to you about this?” But you probably thought of all these already. 

The best thing is to probably seek some professional counseling for couples where you can mention everything that happen. Hopefully he is willing to do it. If he is willing you will have to gather patience and courage not only to forgive him and forget this but also to work this with him (many guys suffer from an addiction to porn on the internet which can become recurrent). And if he is not willing, then you need to re-think if this is the best thing for you and your son as starting a marriage this way ( I mean with unwillingness and lack of communication) is not the best thing. When you love some one you want the best thing for them, to protect, respect, and keep them from any harm and be happy, one last thing though, do not be ashamed to share this with a family member, I’m sure there is someone in your family whom you can talk  and that can be trusted not to divulge this, your family loves you and they want the best for you. Your situation reminds me of the movie “Fireproof”, slightly different, but even though you might not be in the mood to watch a movie, it might help you a bit. You can find it in Youtube.

I’ll put you in my prayers and really hope everything turns out for the best. Big hug.

Post # 12
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I first want to tell you, and echo what PPs have said, this IS NOT your fault. In no way is this your fault and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this.

After reading your update that he actually knows this woman, I would be done. This isn’t a random stranger with some nude pictures. He knows her, he found her on Facebook and then asked for those pictures. I wouldn’t stay. I’d pack my stuff, my child’s stuff and be walk away from it.

You deserve so much better.


Post # 13
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Okay, yes this update does change things for me. If some guy I worked with contacted me on facebook and asked for pics, I would report his ass on a sexual harassment charge. They clearly have something going on. His story about being upset about your b-party is total BS, never mind trying to blame you. he is lying.

Post # 14
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

This also happened to me.  I understand your pain.  My Fiance also suffers from depression/anxiety.  It’s not an easy life dealing with a partner who is sick…I understand completely.

The strippers thing does NOT make it okay.  Also, this is NOT your fault.  This is him dealing with his own issues that he doesn’t know how to deal with.

I chose to stay with my partner to work it out because I love him.  He realized that trust had been completely betrayed.  He opened his life to me.  He gave me passwords to his accounts, full access, etc.  

I know some Bee is going to say “well he could have made another account,” and the Bee is right.  I guess at some point you have to trust…which seems completely irrational after being in a situation like you are.  

I just want you to know that a relationship CAN survive a situation like this, and you AREN’T alone!!!

Post # 15
1433 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House

@futureJNS:  Okay heres my opinion: BULLSHIT. The fact that he knows her…. I would almost bet money on it, that he’s slept with her. Did you get a chance to read all the emails?  Was there anything about meeting up?  Or were they just photos?  I know you said he deleted texts, if he was meeting up with her, then he probably used his phone to arrange that. 

Can you check his phone records?  I hate to tell you to snoop around and launch an investigation on him, but I really, really feel like hes’ lying.  Grown men don’t just want to see photos of women other than their FIs.  They want to sleep with them.  And if she’s the type to send an engaged man a naked photo?  She’s the type to also sleep with that engaged man.

Would you ever consider asking the other woman if she slept with him?  She may admit to it if confronted. 

I’m so sorry you’re going thru this, especially with a newborn baby and a wedding so close.  I hope you do what is right for you and your child. 

Post # 16
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

 yes- i agree.  this is a completely different situation since he knows this woman.  i’m so sorry, my dear, and i just want to give you hugs also.  it may be a good idea you aren’t talking to your family/friends because if you do decide to stay with him, he will forever be tainted in his eyes.  however, i think you need at least ONE person to talk to, even if it’s a counselor, or just a friend you can let in. 

also, if it were me, i would definitely postpone the wedding until i 100% figured out what i wanted to do.  you don’t need the stress of wedding planning on top of everything else you are dealing with emotionally right now.

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