(Closed) 2ND?

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Divorce or work harder?


    work harder

    1 week time apart

    1 month time apart

  • Post # 2
    297 posts
    Helper bee

    What are you fighting about?

    How long did you date before getting married?

    Post # 3
    4509 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    Well, seems like nothing is getting resolved currently. I would give him an ultimatum re the counselling, and if he refuses and the toxicity continues, leave.

    Life is too short to be miserable, but it would suck to give up a marriage after such a short time, and not exploring all avenues to save it.

    Post # 4
    1496 posts
    Bumble bee

    Personally, I think people are too quick to jump to divorce these days. What’s changed in the last three months? Did you live together before you got married? What are the fights about? 

    It’s hard to say in your situation without knowing any details. But I would say you need to work on it. Marriage is a committment and something I believe should be taken seriously. Not everyone would agree, but to get divorced after 3 months makes me wonder why you got married in the first place.

    Post # 5
    914 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    Without any details it is hard to know, but if he won’t go to counseling, I’d suggest you go by yourself.  It takes two people to fight, so if you can’t fix him, you can at least fix you and then you’re halfway solved.  If nothing else, it’ll give you someone to talk to where you can tell everything like it is and get a truly objective response.

    Also, remember what spouses are supposed to do for each other.  Love, cherish, honor…are you truly loving him, cherishing him, honoring him?  Do you respect him?  Do you treat him as well as you’d treat your bff coming for a visit?  Do you make him feel special?  Seems silly, but it works.

    OP, I’m only directing this at you because I don’t know anything about the situation or your DH.  However, I do know of couples where this has worked, even if the guy refused to go to counseling.  I hope you get it figured out, but don’t give up after 3 months – if you can make it with roommates longer than that (assuming you went to college and/or have roomed with people before), you can make it with the man you love.  Seriously though – go to counseling, even if it’s alone.  

    Post # 6
    8437 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    View original reply
    devona.kandoll.7:  I think divorce should be a last resort.  Did you fight before you got married?  Did you discuss things like finances, children, goals, etc., before you were married?  I would highly recommend couples counseling, but if he refuses to go, you can still do some counseling for yourself.

    Post # 7
    5941 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    View original reply
    devona.kandoll.7:  Like others have said, divorce IS a last resort, but life IS too short to keep living like you are living. If he won’t go to counseling with you, I suggest that you go alone. Maybe a professional could help you put some perspective on things. I know my mom said to me once, “Do you really want to spend the next 50 years like this?” No, I did not.

    Post # 8
    3723 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    View original reply
    devona.kandoll.7:  Echoing others, you seek counseling now. Perhaps at some point later on, he’d be more willing.

    Post # 9
    2479 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    It’s never a great idea to use divorce as a threat unless you plan to go through with it. But having only been married for 3 months I’m wondering what has changed so much that you are this unhappy so quickly. Did you have these problems before the wedding?

    Post # 10
    489 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    A counselor is a basketball coach for life, and in this case sounds like a good idea.  The Spurs can’t beat LeBron without Pops!  It sounds like your marriage would benefit greatly from a coach who can help you build some tools to be better communicators. 

    Post # 11
    9772 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I think we need more details. How long were you together before getting married? Did you live together? What are you fighting about?

    Post # 12
    7940 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Coming from someone who has been divorced- I say you go to counseling and try to work on what YOU can in the marriage.  He may or may not come around, but I think its important to have no regrets as to how hard you tried to save your marriage.

    And then if he doesn’t agree to work on it and go to counseling, after a reasonable amount of time- then you divorce.

    Post # 13
    47342 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    View original reply
    devona.kandoll.7:  If he won’t go to couples counselling, find a counsellor and go yourself. It can help you get insight into your own behaviors, and your situation.

    At some point you may need to to tell him that the marriage is over if he won’t join you in counseliing.  Until then, don’t make any moves based on advice from strangers on the internet.

    Post # 14
    264 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    View original reply
    devona.kandoll.7:  Echoing everyone else, what changed?  How do you go from madly in love, “let’s get married” to let’s call the whole thing off?  

    Giving you the benefit of the doubt, did he lie to you about who he was before he was married? has he started using drugs or alcohol in excess?  has he started physically or emotionally abusing you?  Has he started making choices that will lead to your downfall emotionally, finacially, spiritually, or physically?

    Outside of the above, I have many of the same questions everyone else has.  How long was your romance before getting engaged?  How long were you together before getting married? Who married you?  Can you go back to them for counseling/support?  Did you do pre-marital counseling?  What are you arguing about?

    Regardless of your answers to these questions, it appears to me that ya’ll we’re unprepared for marriage to already be ready to call it quits after 3 months. And your lack of response makes me question if you’re really serious about asking for help.

    Either way, you should ask yourself if this is a temporary unhappiness or a forever unhappiness.  

    If this were a temporary unhappiness then by all means try to work it out.  It may mean you need to change your perspective.  Case in point, my fiance’s shift changed and it meant he wasn’t home for dinner and I rarely saw him.  That’s a temporary unhappiness because he can always get another job, as he’s looking for a new one.  Additonally, I needed to change my perspective, yes he’s working longer hours but he’s also making more money for us.  

    On the other hand, a permanent unhappiness is something that cannot every change or may be part of who he is. If your guy is a self-centered jerk, who drinks himself into a stupor every night and gets into bar fights every time he gets, where he is a jerk to not only you but also to everyone else. That’s just who he is. There’s no sense it trying to spend your life trying to change him, because he will not change until he’s ready.  In this case, it may be best to walk away. 


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