Post # 1
I posted a few months back, shortly after the sudden break up of my relationship (it lasted just under 2 years, we were looking at houses, thought we’d get married etc.), and I received so many lovely and helpful comments.
I have been doing quite well, doing everything I should do post break up (starting new hobbies, exercising, spending lots of time with friends etc. – I even got a great new job which I start soon, and we have had no contact). I even started giving some helpful tips to others on here to help them through as I was feeling quite good. Although recently I seem to have dipped quite badly again and I don’t know what has caused it. I’ve been so tearful for the last two weeks, dreaming about him again, and feeling a lot of anxiety. I’m just suprised as I thought I was starting to feel better.
His cousin’s wife who I had become friends with got in contact last week to say hello and see how I was which was sweet. She did ask if me and him had been in contact which I said no to – that’s all she asked about it but the fact she mentioned his name felt like a punch in the stomach.
I have also been panicking, imagining he is in a new relationship (I have no idea if he is or not, just my mind is in overdrive) and wondering whether he has forgotten about me.
I guess what I want to know is, is it normal to dip and start feeling really sad again? Is it part of the healing process? Sometimes I feel like 3 months is long enough to start feeling better, other times it feels like such a short time. Sometimes I can feel like I’m independant and am excited about the new job and getting my own place… and then other times I’m terrified of doing it all without him. Am I going crazy? If you have experienced being this up and down, what helped you and how long did it last?
Thank you for any advice and support xxx
Post # 2
This is totally normal, it will take a while to heal but it will happen.
Post # 3
It’s normal. I dated my ex for a couple of years and a few months after we broke up I saw on social media that he was dating someone and for some reason it really, really bothered me. And I didn’t even want to be with this guy, like wasn’t even sad about our break up- I moved back to my home state and was SOOO happy to not be with him anymore. But then I saw that, and it hurt me.
Give it some more time and enjoy all of the new exciting things happening in your life!
Post # 4
I agree! Totally natural! It will get better, just keep doing what you’re doing!
Post # 5
Totally normal, Bee. Healing doesn’t follow a straight line or respect our timetables.
Grief tends to come in waves and feels just awful before it rolls back out. It will never be more than you can handle.
You may want to break off contact with the cousin’s wife for now. She’s triggering for you. Keep up the excellent work doing No Contact!
Post # 6
Dear, Bee- Breakups are extremely difficult, especially if you were not anticipating one or if you were the one who didn’t want to end the relationship. I think you’re doing everything you can to help you move through the grief/loss process and it’s absolutely normal for you to feel a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions where you feel better and worse at times.
Time is a relative thing and while three months may seem like a long time for some, it won’t for others. Personally, my last breakup (before meeting my now husband) was the worst in my life. I was in such hurt I really struggled in my day to day activities for a while. About 6 months later, I decided to start dating again. Initially, the goal on going out on dates was just to see if it’d help me determine the kind of guy I really needed. Fast forward five years, I’m now married to one of the guys I went out on dates with. I didn’t think I’d end up finding the one so soon, but life often times works out like that.
Best of luck, Bee!
Post # 7
This is all normal, give yourself a huge pat on the back for doing so well.
You are doing everything a healthy well equipped person would do which is AMAZING. Its okay to get sad but keep focusing on the positive and keep taking baby steps, you’re doing GREAT!
Post # 8
Totally normal. You’re doing everything right. It will get better!
Post # 9
So normal! Keep in mind we are now creeping into a transitional time of year as well. Seasonal-affective is real, and the holidays are an emotional time.
Also, unless this cousin’s wife was a very close friend of yours, she needs to step back.
Post # 10
Thank you all so much! <3
Got myself into a bit of a state this week so just needed to hear from other people that I wasn’t going backwards and this was normal!!
Has anyone gone on to meet a great new partner that was even better than the ex?
Post # 11
Yes – in fact he was the one I recently got engaged to! I was ready to give on dating and everything, I was DONE! These things comes along when you aren’t looking. Concentrate on you, you cannot be happy with someone else until you’re comfortable on your own!
Post # 12
strawberry86 : “Has anyone gone on to meet a great new partner that was even better than the ex?”
I mean no disrespect by this, but of COURSE others have. Very few people end up marrying the first person they ever dated! My husband is BY FAR the best man I’ve ever met, let alone dated. I’m so happy I didn’t end up with any of my ex’s otherwise I wouldn’t have met him.
Having setbacks is normal… especially when you hear their name after pushing it out of your mind for so long. Little reminders can be brutal, but keep doing what you’re doing. Are you dating at all?
Post # 13
It’s so very normal. Three months isn’t very long at all, but even if it were 6 months, it is still very natural to feel waves of grief months, sometimes even years, after a relationship ends. It’s also different for every person and every relationship. Try not to hold yourself to a particular standard. It takes as long as it takes.
I second what other PPs have said about taking a step back from the friendship with the cousin. I’m sure she meant no harm, but other people don’t always realise how much their subtle enquiries can sting. If I am worried a friend or family member might mention an ex, I tell them specifically that I don’t want to talk about him, and ask if we can talk about other things.
As far as meeting guys who are better than your ex. YES. There is not a single ex whom I would go back to after enough time has passed. And there have been a few relationships where I thought the guy was fantastic, but after we broke up, I went on to meet men who were much better. Grief causes you to emphasize the person’s good points, but with enough perspective, you’ll see that breaking up was the right decision.
Post # 14
It’s normal. Even if you definitely don’t want to get back together, it’s normal to feel a sense of anxiety that he may have found a relationship faster than you (which doesn’t prove anything, faster doesn’t mean better!) and also the fact that breakups essentially feel like giving up a part of your life/a part of you, so there’s this lost feeling.
I would embrace and acknowledge all these feelings even if they are negative instead of disregarding them because it’ll help you to get over them in the long run.
Also I’m sure most of the bees here aren’t marrying their first love, so obviously lots of us have found the one after horrible breakups! 🙂 I have personally broken up with two long-term relationships (and a few other short ones) and every single one of them felt like the shittiest moment but feelings will definitely pass with time.
Post # 15
It sounds like you’re doing what you should be doing to move on and lift your self esteem. With that being said, I think what you’re going through is completely normal. It’ll pass. I feel like hills and valleys are totally normal post break up. Then you’ll get to a point where you realized you haven’t even thought about the guy 🙂