(Closed) 3 Months in and I already Made my Husband very upset :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Have you ever told a SO that they need to lose weight? And how did they react
    yes : (51 votes)
    16 %
    no : (135 votes)
    43 %
    i've hinted at it but dropped it several times : (41 votes)
    13 %
    They reacted Very badly : (11 votes)
    3 %
    They were understanding but a bit hurt : (23 votes)
    7 %
    They said okay and began a diet : (43 votes)
    14 %
    They gave me the silent treatment and we forgot about it : (2 votes)
    1 %
    it took him forever to get over it : (5 votes)
    2 %
    it ruined our relationship : (5 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 77
    Member
    6107 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I voted “no” because my Fiance is one of “those lucky people” who don’t gain weight. Before we started going back to the gym he rarely worked out and still had a six pack. Sometimes I want to punch him 🙂 But we are very open about our weight. I know that he is attracted to “healthy” and if I started to gain some weight I know he would casually, nicely let me know. We’ve discussed this because I have mentioned I don’t like my body. At first I get upset, well because who wouldn’t, but then I realize he’s right…I need to maintain a healthy weight. It’s not about being “skinny” or “thin”, it’s about being healthy so you can live a long, full life with your SO.

    Post # 78
    Member
    221 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    People can say it’s shallow and maybe it is but you still love him it’s not like you fell out of love over his weight. You’d be just as crushed if the tables were turned but the result would still be the same you’d still love eachother.

    You can’t help that you feel a certain way the thing is there are many approaches to weight gain and suggestions to losing in you just have to be careful which option you choose as some hurt more than others. When I mention it to my fiance I mention it because I know he FEELS better when he’s in shape and fit so I encourage him, I don’t tell him to lose it.

    The other thing is he knows diabetes runs in my family and so I take food intake and weight gain seriously as I lost my mother to the disease. I love him not matter what but at the end of the day it’s not necessarily about being heavy over being HEALTHY and there IS a difference. I want to live a long and healthy life. I want to have the energy and fitness to keep up with children. I want to be around for my FH and future kids for as long as I can be and in order to do that I have to be healthy. He feels the same and so I gently nudge him when it’s necessary and he never takes it the wrong way.

    Post # 79
    Member
    1561 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    My husband is really health conscious and keeps an eye on his weight so I know when he’s up a few, he’ll take care of it.  I’m the same way.  

    But I have to stress that as a couple it’s really hard to make good choices when your partner is not. Even if you aren’t overweight, it’s important for you (and everyone) to eat right and exercise.  If you’re a terrible cook, try harder.  Really, practice makes perfect and you don’t need to make a 4-star meal every night to be healthy.  Check out sites like skinnytaste.com and get started.  It can be fun  and good for your relationship for both of you to cook healthy together and exercise together! 

    Post # 80
    Member
    3307 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @misspeanut:  +1 

    You have to be able to be honest in a marriage and that might mean hurt feelings. The alternative is dishonesty and that is NOT the way to go.

    Post # 81
    Member
    1578 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

    My SO pointed out to me one day that while he loves me, he would find me more attractive if I lost some weight. I get it. I’m currently the highest I’ve ever been. We go to the gym together, we eat healthy together. He is helping me become healthy.. NOT because he wanted to “hurt my feelings” but because he wants me to be able to have his children one day, be in the best shape I’ve ever been in, etc. He loves me, and he wants me to be the best me I can be.

     

    I’m sorry that your SO got his feelings hurt, but being over weight is seriously bad for your health. It can bring problems such as infertility, heart disease, and others. I think that you weren’t wrong in telling him that you would find him more attractive at a smaller weight. It’s just the truth.

    Post # 82
    Member
    1684 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I’m glad to hear he took it well.  Obviously he still isn’t happy, but he’s willing to listen and willing to make changes.  Hopefully this will give him a kick start in the right direction!

    Post # 83
    Member
    3339 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island

    I’m going through a similar situation myself right now.  I’ve lost 40 lbs. for our wedding, and my fiance has gained at least 20-30 all around his stomach.  I’ve tried bringing it up, but he just gets really offended.  I don’t know how to talk to him about it either.  We used to be really active and even did P90X together.  I kept doing it, but he’s been so overworked and stressed out with work that he never has the energy to do it anymore.  My biggest fear is that if he doesn’t get a handle on it now, it’s just going to get worse and worse.  At this point, I still find him attractive.  But definitely not as much as I used to.  And I’m not trying to be vain, I’m really not.  But if he gains any more weight, I’m afraid that I really will not find him attractive anymore.  I’m just as scared as you, so we’re in this boat together!

    Post # 84
    Bee
    91 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Catholic church followed by a botanical conservatory

    Awww that sounds like a good update. Of course he is still feeling really bad right now and you too, and I know that hearing you cry and not doing anything is really awful for the guys. They really do want to make us feel better, but it’s hard when they feel attacked or hurt themselves.

    Sounds like you guys need a good cuddling session tonight to make up the rest of the way! Good thing it is Friday lady! 🙂

    Post # 88
    Member
    4655 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    It just sucks. I have a situation thats a bit like that but not drastic. FH has gained a fair bit of weight in a fairly sedentary way while I actually lost a little since we met and have been extremely vigilant about my weight. 

    I’m still extremely attracted to him and adore him and I’d love him if he were 500 pounds, but I’ve hinted at diet and exercise things every so often. He complains about feeling fat but thinks a gym membership is a waste of money and anything short of an expensive weight set (in our tiny apartment no less, that we’d have to move every time we move) isn’t worthwhile. He makes excuses for why he can’t just do pushups or go for a jog, which is free and better than nothing.

    He doesn’t want to deprive himself of junk food because as we save every extra penny for the wedding, he says its one of the few pleasures he can still afford. 

    For me, the thing that bothers me is that I weigh myself every day. I make adjustments to my diet as necessary to make sure I never gain. I omit a lot of other spending I’d enjoy so that I can have enough to buy fruit (REALLY expensive in Korea) so I can satisfy a sweet craving in a healthy way. I apply makeup and take care of my skin and hair even though it means taking time away from stuff I want to do. I put time and effort and money (to the degree that I can without taking away from wedding savings) into my appearance, weight especially. I make it a priority because I love him and I want him to feel proud and happy with me I care quite a lot about what he thinks of me.

    Frankly, if I was alone and happy that way, with no romantic or sexual urges whatsoever, I’d probably weigh half a ton.

    For me, it’s not about how hot he is. I’m very nearly as hot for him as I was when he was in peak condition, just because I find him very attractive in general and he hasn’t gained THAT much that he’s significantly changed, with clothes on you can barely tell.

    It’s just that for him to prioritize eating brownies and ice cream and sitting in front of the TV because it helps him “relax” and he just wants to relax every minute he’s not working makes me feel a little taken for granted when I am clearly abstaining, even though I’d enjoy it, so I can look good. He he could stand to be in better shape, but he’d have to get fatter than he is now for me to not be as attracted to him. However, I see my attention to my looks and weight as one of the ways I show love and respect for him, and when he doesn’t seem to care, it hurts me a little.

    So there’s another perspective to consider.

    Post # 89
    Member
    332 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I’m glad you wrote him the letter and it went over as well as could be expected when he’s still hurt. Hope last night was better!

    The topic ‘3 Months in and I already Made my Husband very upset :(’ is closed to new replies.

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