(Closed) 3 months in.. could this be for real?

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
4053 posts
Honey bee

I feel like 7 years later, and I’m still learning about my husband, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t the real deal for you and something to be excited about. I actually remember my husband saying to me “I can’t wait to marry you” after about three months of dating, and he’s not the slick type haha. Just enjoy learning about each other and keep up the positive attitude, so many people are worn down by baggage and never give a good thing a chance. I’m sure you will learn all sorts of things about each other as time goes on, good or bad!

Post # 17
370 posts
Helper bee

When you know, you know…

you won’t know unless you go for it. I knew we would marry straight away, at 3 months we had a serious conversation about us marrying…We waited mind but we knew where it was headed

Post # 18
1340 posts
Bumble bee

 I knew 3 months into my relationship with DH too. But we took it slow and married after 3 years. We both knew and talked about marriage that early on, but we just wanted to be smart and not rush. If it’s meant to be, it’ll still be meant to be in a year or two.

Post # 19
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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secondtimesacharm : I think everyone in promising relationships feels this way. I certainly did with serious ex-boyfriends (relationships that lasted a few years, but ended for one reason or another), and also with my husband after I met him. The real test is to see if the relationship will stand the test of time. And by that I’m not talking about months, but years.

I firmly believe that it is wise to wait at least 2 years before geting engaged. That allows people to get to know each other over time. And if the relationship was always meant to be, it won’t harm anyone to see how things go. What it will do is prevent people from rushing, and allow them to recognize relationships that seem promising but won’t last.

Honestly, in my personal experience, the honeymoom phase can last about 2 years, and after that you really get to know someone (including at their worst). So my DH and I dated for 2.5 years before getting engaged and 3.5 years before getting married. And I personally think that that is a good timeline that allows people to take things slow and get to know what the other person is really about.

Because you have kids, I think that taking it slow and dating for 2+ years before getting engaged is ESPECIALLY important. You want to make sure that your children adjust well to any relationship that you have, and that takes being deliberately slow and taking time (in years, not months).

Additionally, statistically people who have been divorced already are at higher risk for having subsequent divorces. I’m not saying you can’t beat that statistic, but what I am saying is that it is important to take your time and go slow in relationships so that you can make sure that the next person you marry really is “the one” for you.

Post # 20
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

It doesn’t seem too fast to me, especially at your age and with prior relationship experience. If you get married in November or December, for exmaple, you’ll have been dating for a year, and then if you are engaged for a year before getting married that’s likely another year or so (on average). I do think you need to be extremely cautious for the sake of your children but no, I don’t think you’re being totally ridiculous or anything.

Post # 21
976 posts
Busy bee

Do you know what he’s like when he’s sad? Or angry? Or impatient? What is his dealbreakers? What was his childhood like? What about his parents? Siblings? What do they have to say about him? Nice things? How does he act on vacation? What is he like to live with? What do your kids think of him? How does he bahve around them when you’re not around? Does he have savings? Does he have an retirement account? What does he think about marital finances? Does he have a good reputation at work? Have you met his coworkers? Have you looked him up to make sure he doesn’t have a record? Has he struggled with mental illness? If so, how has he been handling it? What are his core values in life? What about religion? Politics?

You don’t need to be with someone a long time to know these things, especially in your 30s, but I personally would never get engaged to someone unless I already knew all of the above. If you already know all these details, then you have the relevant information and are set to go. 

Post # 22
2761 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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secondtimesacharm :  if it were just you and him I’d say sometimes when you know, you know. And go for it.

With children on both sides though I would think you are more responsible for their wellbeing than your relationship’s. So…maybe see how you’d do as a blended family before making any permanent decisions? 

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