(Closed) 3 months in, feels all wrong

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Your husband sounds like my father. My mother wanted to leave him right after returning from their honeymoon. Instead, she got talked into trying to make it work. He was abusive in the exact same way. He could be really great to her at times, but the times when he belittled her eventually got more and more frequent, until her self-esteem was virtually non-existant. She was severely depressed and became physically ill from the stress she had to endure for 19 years before finally gaining the courage she needed to leave him. She is still emotionally scarred and has not allowed another man to get close to her since then. As a child I remember hearing my mother cry after my dad screamed at her saying that she was so fat that she was repulsive to him.

I would hate to see anyone else have to endure what she did.

Post # 18
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

The things he’s saying to you are just cruel. I don’t want to be overdramatic and be all “leave him! divorce him!!!!” but that’s not normal fighting or just being cranky-mean. A good man doesn’t talk like that to his wife, ever, let alone on the honeymoon. I think you deserve to be with a good man, don’t you?

Post # 19
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Agree with many above. It’s a shame you weren’t strong enough to leave him before the wedding.

I am so angry for you right now, I could spit nails. No, this isn’t what marriage is all about. No, the “honeymoon shouldn’t be over”. You, unfortunately, married a jerk and a jerk he will remain.

You know what I would do if all of this was said to me?

On our honeymoon he got upset and told me that I was really close to being the right person for him, just not right enough. Since the wedding he’s mentioned that he should have stayed single, that wow, this is what marriage is all about eh? (sarcastically implying that it sucked) and said that if I stay sad all the time he’ll leave me.

I would take my wedding ring off, throw it at his face and say “thanks for the party (the wedding), that’s all I wanted anyway…now I can go out and find a man who dserves me”.

And I’m sorry, but when things are “Greeeeeaaaat”, is that when he’s getting laid? I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I just don’t buy that one. Who cares if a day or two or three are pretty good or even great. What he said, above, in italics cancels out all that “greatness”.

Obviously, I can’t say “divorce him”. But I do want you to truly know that you married the wrong man and marriage should not be like this and you are not stuck forever, now. You do have choices. That’s all.

Post # 20
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

To be honest, I would leave him. He has made it clear that he does not respect you and that your feelings don’t matter to him. I was with a guy just like him once, and it doesn’t get better. You deserve so much more than he’s giving you. Big hugs.

Post # 21
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

People like that are insecure with themselves and want to bring you down to their level.  It will not get better.  It will get worse.  And even worse than that, you will start believing those things he says are true when they absolutely are not.  Obviously, he doesn’t respect you, which is a fundamental aspect of a relationship.  You are beautiful just as you are and you deserve someone who realizes that.  Mistakes happen and it is OK to fix them.  Do not let someone convince you that you have to stay married to an abusive spouse becuase “divorce is bad.”  Guess what, being miserable because of someone else the rest of your life is worse.

Post # 22
Member
2191 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Sounds a lot like my first marriage. I’ve been there and it is so hard to deal with.

You deserve better than this. You need someone who cherishes you, loves you, honors you…all of that.

You’ve been married 3 months and he’s saying that it sucks and that he should have stayed single?? Oh honey….this isn’t going to end well.

I’ll keep you in my thoughts. You deserve SO much better than him.

Post # 24
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@ButterfingerBBs: So if you are that close and can be lovey-dovey, why didn’t you punch him in the arm when he hurt you on your honeymoon (Not in a violent sort of way but a way to say, “Hey, asshole, that hurt! Why  would you say that to me??”

Actually, recently, a month ago? I misinterpreted something my husband said and I told him straight out “Hurting me is NEVER a good idea and I will NEVER allow it”. Of course, when I found out I was wrong, I apologized profusely and so did he because he could have rearranged his words better…but the point is, my husband knows that I would never tolerate being treated like…well, sh!t…for lack of a better word.

Have you communicated the same to your husband?

Post # 25
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can’t tell you what to do but I wanted to give you ((hugs))

 

I hope no matter what route you take you are happy and are with somebody who thinks you are beautiful and cherishes you. 

I understand why you would feel a little ashamed about getting a divorce so soon after the wedding, but at the end of the day you need to do what is best for you.  If your DH can change and snap out of this mean streak then that is awesome!  If you decide he’s not the man for you, then  you can hold your head up high knowing you gave it everything you had, and you decided you valued yourself more than the thoughts of judgemental fools.

Post # 26
Member
1160 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I gained over 100 lbs. during my first marriage…lost it when I became single…met another man…gained another 100 lbs….became single….lost another 100 lbs….

 

(do we see a pattern?)

 

Emotional abuse is the most difficult thing. They suck you in…they push you away…you start to believe nobody will ever want you. Then, **BOOM** you get so fat that it’s true…your options decrease…you feel worse…and cling to what you have.

I don’t believe compassion is “taught.” I don’t think a man who spews this kind of garbage to his beautiful wife can really benefit from counselling. This meanness is inside of him. That’s just my opinion.

My guess is that you are feeling hurt and trapped and eating your pain away. I think you need to be free, but everybody has their breaking point and you need to reach it first. ((HUG))

Post # 28
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@ButterfingerBBs: I’m sorry if I missed this, but, the honeymoon, is that the first time he was so hurtful? Or has he always been this way? throughout your entire relationship?

Post # 29
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

View original reply
@ButterfingerBBs:  Our breaking point was when I had our baby.   He walked out twice.  Once when the baby was 5 months and for good at Christmas when he was 7 months old.   His mother was toxic and the whole thing flew out the window fast.   I should have gathered my self esteem a long time before, he got pretty emotionally abusive with me and threw a coffee table when I was pregnant.  Not quite at me, but near me and I felt trapped since I was already having his baby.

The breakup was actually not bitter and he has pretty much stayed away.  He owes a ton in back child support and will see our son every few months, when he is back in the area.  

Honestly, I wish all the ties could be broken.  It’s like letting my past creep into my life every few months.   Those were not happy years at all, and looking back, I am sad I let things get to the point they were at.  

Post # 30
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

This breaks my heart!  I can’t imagine feeling this way.  God, you deserve so much better than this.  I can’t help but feel anger toward your husband.

I don’t want to tell you what I think you should do.  But just think, if you were to leave him, you might start enjoying life again and feeling so much better. 

It must be so horrible to have someone taking you apart like this.  He is supposed to be your best friend.  How can people be so cruel?

My thoughts are with you. 

 

 

Post # 31
Member
56 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

as hard as this is to imagine, take a step back and think about what you would do if a friend was treating you like your husband is now.  odds are you wouldn’t remain friends with that person, and you shouldn’t stay married to someone who makes you feel this way and treats you insensitively.

a marriage “for better or for worse” does not include emotional abuse.  it includes loss of jobs, shortages of money, life changes, but not abusive situations.

you need to do what is right for you, and i think you know what it is.  there is no “time limit” to give the good fight and stay married.  call a spade a spade and stand up for yourself now before his abuse escalates or becomes more hurtful.

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