- 9 years ago
I would never in a million years have married a man like that.
You deserve honor, respect and to be treated like a princess every day. Otherwise, why not stay single? Or find the man who will treat you with honor and respect? I hope you can find peace in your marriage.
You know…I’m sitting here and I’m thinking about the religious aspect of your marriage and I keep coming back to this: I don’t think this is what being sanctified by God is, and I don’t think this is what God meant when He created love.
Speaking in more practical terms, if you want an annulment you could probably get one. The Church doesn’t look too kindly on abuse. And this is what this is. It’s abuse. It’s not going to change (I know that you know this). When you did your Pre Cana, I assume you took the FOCCUS test. If so, were you able to note his behavior?
As for the marriage, one option would be to flat out tell your husband that you’re strongly considering a divorce due to his deplorable behavior and attitude towards you, and if he wants to save his marriage he’ll start going to counseling like, yesterday. If he refuses, you must cease considering and go through with it.
Your husband is emotionally abusive. I’m sorry, but it seems like HE is the one who needs to be in counseling. What, did he expect marriage to be a constant bed of roses? If he cannot deal with you and be supportive through better and WORSE, then you need to get out of the situation. He doesn’t seem to understand you’ve got a diagnosed mental illness (depression) and that you need love and patience. I am sorry, but things are not going to get better. Maybe they would if he went to a therapist, but who knows? If you’re not happy, you’re not happy, and you need to do what it takes to make yourself happy. I guess you just thought things would get better after marriage. Nothing to be ashamed about, there, a lot of people have that same mentality. Now you’re seeing that marriage didn’t change anything, expect possibly making things worse.
I know firsthand what it’s like to be around someone who is sometimes loving and caring, but at other times terribly mean and cruel.
There is no changing this kind of person. Please get out while you can.
You mentioned above that you worried that people would wonder why you didn’t see that before you married him when you were dating for five years. Well, first – who cares what others think? The people who love and care you will be so happy for you to leave that situation, and those who don’t, well it isn’t worth caring about what they think, anyway. And second – people with this kind of personality are often VERY good at hiding it, or making you think that their little “incidents” are your fault, or are a passing thing that they are “so sorry” for and “will never do again”. There is no shame in taking yourself out of this bad situation. But there is a lifetime of hurt waiting for you if you stay with someone like this.
Wishing you all the best, and hoping you find the strength to do what is best for you.
Aw geez, I feel like you might be happier without him, but who’s for me to say/guess? Is being with him making you the best version of yourself that you can be? You sound like you have a grounded knowledge of what’s healthy vs. unhealthy for you. I would practice envisioning myself as the person I want to be (i.e. confident, self-reliant, good to yourself) and also the person you already are (smart, beautiful etc.)
Bottom line: you deserve to be happier, so let nothing stand in your way.
@MissHelen:, @Pinksapphire:, @Bubu82: Man, I read your comments and in a way they make sense but it’s hard for me to label him as abusive. Granted, you don’t know everything in my life based on a few posts, but you all seem confident that he is abusive. He’s not just hard headed and mean in your eyes, but abusive. I can’t tell if I’m in the thick of the storm and can’t see it or if you’re all just looking through a microscope without seeing the rest of the slide.
I just wanted to send you a hug.
Also, are you getting any kind of help for your recent diagnoses? You can’t put all of this on yourself and be left alone to deal with it. I feel so sad for you!
Maybe it would be better to take some time for yourself and separate from him for a while. He shouldn’t say those things and it does not sound like he is too supportive of what is going on with you right now.
as PPs have said, he won’t change but you certainly can. it can either be embarrassing now or embarrassing in 10/20/40 years time when you leave him but you will eventually.
I have had two episodes of mental illness with depression and both times medication combined with counselling helped me. sending you lots of care, please do look after yourself ((hugs))
Part of the problem is that last night when the whole exercise thing came up I felt sooooo bad and I really thought, “boy, this is all wrong” (as you could tell by my first post). But with time it just seems like I long to sweep things under the rug, to just let things go back to being okay, to minimize how bad I felt. I’m sure some of you that have been in these situations for years can relate. It’s hard to be convinced and think “this is so bad that I need to walk out”. This is the cycle that got me here through years of dating. I couldn’t let go then when I was just dating, now we’re married–you can imagine how hard it is to truly convince myself that this is really, really bad. Bad enough to leave.
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