(Closed) 3 months in, feels all wrong

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@ButterfingerBBs:  I stuck to my guns, and I will continue to prioritize my happiness and well-being.

Please do this.  It is not selfish.  It allows you to be the best person you can be in a relationship.  Maybe he realizes he cannot get away with his behavior now.  I hope it goes well.  Please let us know and we are here for you!

Post # 78
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’ll say it again: I am so proud of how you’ve handled this situation, and good luck with everything. I hope, I hope, I hope he works to be the man you deserve, and there is NOTHING wrong with you wanting to be the best wife you can be (as long as it’s reciprocated).

It may be a tough journey, and you may have to stand your ground more than once to remind him of his promises to you, but I have faith that if you are both committed, this marriage will be everything you want it to be. And if it isn’t, I am confident you have the self-awareness to recognize it and do what you need to for yourself. 

Post # 79
Member
373 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

HUGS HUGS HUGS TO ALL OF MY FELLOW BEES. You are all beautiful women and after reading all these post just know that I am praying for you! I used to be with a huge jerk and instead of eating eating eating- I struggled the opposite way and would lose way too much weight and get really sick and unhealthy. Whether we eat too much or not enough- we use food as a control factor to find that temporary fix. My fiance now is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He knew that I struggled with eating problems and told me that I he supported me but this was something I had to heal on my own. And he was right- I had to believe in myself that I was worth it and I was worth a healthy lifestyle. His love and acceptance of me definitely helped though. I am the happiest I have ever been (never thought I would be happy). There are plenty of great guys out there. Keep your chin up, and always go with your gut feeling!! 

Post # 80
Member
795 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Oops, I’m sorry. I must have been typing my post while you were typing yours. I’m glad he’s agreed to get some counseling. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. {{hugs}}

Post # 81
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Your story reminds me a lot of Mrs. Sand Dollar’s first marriage.

Post # 82
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@ButterfingerBBs:  the first thread I wanted to check today was this one! i was thinking about you when I got up this morning wondering how things were going.  I’m so happy to hear that he is willing to go and see someone, it sounds like your conversation went well on your part (as well as it could go, considering!) and sometime guys just need some time to let things sink in and reflect and then they can make a decision.  the initial reaction with them tends to be ‘no!’ and then later on they’re like ‘yeah that sounds like a good idea’ so this will probably be something you need to deal with with him or any man now that I think about it.  (this is still something i have to do!)

whether or not you guys stay together, you will know that you did your very best to make the marriage work, so no, I definitely don’t think you’re making a mistake! you need to give it one last shot.  I hope today you wake up feeling better, stronger and assertive with your husband! 

Post # 83
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m glad that you seem stronger today. I know you don’t think he is abusive, but I want you to read this and see if it applies to you:

what is emotional abuse?

There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. The following are widely recognized as forms of emotional abuse:

rejecting

– refusing to acknowledge a person’s presence, value or worth; communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior; devaluing her/his thoughts and feelings. Example: repeatedly treating a child differently from siblings in a way that suggests resentment, rejection or dislike for the child.

degrading

– insulting, ridiculing, name calling, imitating and infantilizing; behaviour which diminishes the identity, dignity and self-worth of the person. Examples: yelling, swearing, publicly humiliating or labelling a person as stupid; mimicking a person’s disability; treating a senior as if she or he cannot make decisions.

denying emotional responsiveness

– failing to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner; being detached and uninvolved; interacting only when necessary; ignoring a person’s mental health needs. Examples: ignoring a child’s attempt to interact; failing to show affection.

Emotional abuse follows a pattern; it is repeated and sustained. If left unchecked, abuse does not get better over time. It only gets worse;

– Like other forms of violence in relationships, those who hold the least power and resources in society, for example, women and children, are most often emotionally abused;

– Emotional abuse can severely damage a person’s sense of self-worth and perception.

characteristics of an abuser:

They dismiss your difficulties or issues as unimportant or an overreaction;

– They do not listen to you;

– They always put their needs before yours;

– You “walk on eggshells” in an effort not to upset them;

– They never take responsibility for hurting others;

– They blame everyone and everything else for any unfortunate events in their lives.

Post # 84
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Please please please keep us updated. Whilst we can’t sit with you and talk face to face and heart to heart, it looks like a lot of us are willing to give you long distance support x

Post # 85
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I am so sorry you’re going through this. If it helps, I think often people think that a big change will “fix” a relationship that has problems (and it sounds like yours did)–you are not the only person to end up feeling like this.

I don’t know if time apart will help. I imagine that if I were in this relationship and took time off, I just wouldn’t want to go back. It sounds like what you guys really need, if you want to stay married to each other, is to put your issues out on the table and come up with constructive ways that you can work together on them, rather than contribute to them.

I also think that you (as a couple) need to stop playing the breakup game. (A long time ago I realized that, for me, the first break up in a relationship is the definitive one, that after that one, no matter how many times it’s on again, off again, I never really took the relationship seriously again.) It’s a hard cycle to get out of, but you guys can’t spend your entire lives threatening to leave each other over stupid crap and living in the insecurity of “When will he walk out again?”

I hope you and your husband can make it work and that you can both be happy together, but if you can’t, it’s better to be happy separately, and there is no shame in admitting a mistake. Best wishes.

Post # 86
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

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@ButterfingerBBs:  I am sorry that my labeling your husband as “abusive” offended you.  I am studying to be a psychologist and the behavior that you described is considered to be emotionally abusive, by textbook standards.  He was more than willing to scrutinize your every fault, yet, was not willing to admit to his own.  You deserve better treatment than that, I believe. 

I am very happy to see the update that he has agreed to counseling!  That is a great step in the right direction.  I pray that you guys can work your marriage out.  I do not think you are “weak” for giving him a second chance, either.  If he is truly committed to making a change, and you BOTH continue to work out the kinks, things can be successful for you. 

I also want to say that when you come on here and post a story like this, we have no possible way of perceiving your husband, otherwise.  Everything you said about him seemed really horrible.  So, yes, I am going to call it as I see it.  Honestly, I feel like you’re defending him, even though he treats you badly, at times.  You should never defend someone treating you below standards, and you shouldn’t EVER blame yourself for people treating you like garbage.  No, I don’t know every detail about your life.  But, from what I read, things don’t (didn’t) look good.  My answer may not have been what you wanted to hear, but you wanted an honest opinion and that is what you got from me.

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