Post # 1
So I’ll warn you, this is kind of a rant/freak out. And it’ll be long too. Please forgive me.
My boyfriend and I have been together almost 3 years now (in April!) We met at college in our junior year, I stalked him for a while, we finally started dating.
Since graduation it’s been two years of long distance which absolutely sucks. We live about an hour from each other but we are both super busy (I’m taking classes as preperation for my master’s and he’s working 60 hour weeks) so we only see each other once a month if we’re lucky!
The earliest I can apply to grad school is Fall ’14. I’m going to be pursuing it in Pennsylvania where we both live. He’s (knock on wood!) getting into a grad school either in S.C or Tennessee next fall.
If everything goes perfectly (meaning I get into school!) I’d be moving wherever he is Spring of ’16.
I’m so frustrated because that means 3 more freaking years of this shit. I love him and so it’s not really a problem but it also means that by that point it’ll have been 5 years since we saw each other constantly (our senior year of college). I know he’s the right person for me but the change in our relationship from seeing each other rarely to all the time after SO long is also scaring me.
There’s no real point to this but if anyone has some encouragement, advise (or a time machine!) I’d love to hear it. I’m also new here so hello! Sorry I wrote a book
(Sorry if It’s all jumbled together. It doesn’t seem to believe that I want seperate paragraphs!)
Post # 3
Why don’t you try to apply to a number of grad programs in SC and TN?
Post # 4
@GoldfishPie: I have thought about it and may well apply to wherever he goes but my thought process is this:
1. He’d already be a year into his two year master’s. If he ended up getting his doctorate at another school I’d only be getting a year with him anyway.
2 this will sound sort of awful but we both need to focus on our school right now. I’m going into a field completely different then my undergrad degree. I am afraid that we’ll be swept up somewhat in the euphoria of finally living together and my grades might suffer somewhat. This is completely unacceptable. School comes first.
3. Money. I am blessed to be living with my parents paying a nominal rent, I don’t think I could afford to put much towards food/rent and if he ended up leaving and I was stuck there for a year I’d be footing it all on my own. I want to have as little debt as possible.
4. I have contacts now that know people at the one grad school I’m really shooting for. The community college I’m taking classes at has a great relationship with that school (not to mention it is really cheap for students in state. The fees for out of state students at both of his schools are much larger and they cater mostly to in-state students).
I don’t know. I think our best bet is 3 years apart and getting this part of our life done and then moving in when we are in a better position to afford it.
Post # 5
Well that all really sucks. Long distance, especially in a college/university setting where so much is focused on social interaction, group work, networking, etc. is really really difficult. Fiance and I were long distance for a year and a half and it put a significant strain on our relationship, and we were really close to breaking up a few times. The communication, different schedules, different priorities, and lack of personal, physical, social interaction are really tough to work around. When we finished undergrad, we both worked as hard as we could to be in the same place for grad school and it all worked out. I would really strongly advise you to be with him in the same city. We both moved across the country with no contacts or anything, just an apartment set up and our grad school acceptances. I wouldn’t wish long distance relationships on anyone 🙁
Post # 6
@GoldfishPie: Thank you so much for responding. This gives me a lot to think about. I think we’re going to have to discuss this again and see what we can come up with. Thank you!
Post # 7
A lot of people I did my PhD with had 6+ years of long distance relationships with their college sweethearts. A lot did PhD plus post docs apart until they could finally get jobs in the same town. It was super hard, but most of them made it work. It was definitely too much for a few of the couples. The ones that made it had a really strong committment to make visits work – it was pretty inspiring to watch!
Post # 8
@crayfish: Thank you so much for your response as well. We’ve been having quite a few conversations about it since I posted this and I’m glad to see that it can work both ways.
Now we just have to decide what’s right for us! Thank you both and I look forward to seeing you around the Bee
Post # 9
@crayfish: This is really inspiring to hear about! Any other tips from what you’ve seen of their relationships?
Post # 10
This probably sounds completely heartless, but your education should always come first. Take it from someone with personal experience, I gave my education up bcause I was so focused on the boy I was with. Now its three years later and we broke up recently. Now I have to support myself and dont have the education requirements to get a job good enough so that might be possible. I did love the boy in question, but love doesnt pay rent, and at the end of the day, all you have is yourself. If you were to divorce this person years down the road, wouldnt you like to say your able to support yourself with a great job backed by an even better degree?
And even so, what is for you will not go by you. Scottish saying my current boyfriend uses that basically means that, whats meant to happen will happen! Get your life in order, and if at the end of the road, hes still there, then you know you did the right thing and will have a great life because of it.
Post # 11
@FEDORAble: I have a similar situation. FH and I have been together almost 3 and a half years and he needs to move across country next year for a new job.
I got accepted into vet school in our home-state and since there’s only about 28 vet schools in the country and it’s extremely difficult just to get into one you don’t have many options with where you get to go to school. The school I’m going to is more rural and there are not jobs there in FH’s field (computer engineering). He already looked around with no luck.
He got offered a really good job several states away and the opprotunity and pay is too good to pass up. He’s also worried that if he did not work in his field for a few years it would be REALLY difficult to get back into it / find someone who’d hire him.
We’ve done long distance several times already esp during summers. This past summer he had an internship 1000 miles away from me and we only saw each other in person once that summer. We just set up skype dates etc. Yes I’m not going to lie it is tough but it can be done. FH and I handle long distance very well I guess it just depends on the person. I’m actually excited for him to go because he will have his dream job and we can start saving up money for our future. Plus we will always be able to visit, I plan on visiting him every break and he plans to fly in every now and then.
In addition, grad school programs can be intense. At least for vet school you are in class 8-5 M-F and then need to study at least 4 hours a day outside of class to keep up. I feel like FH living far away would be good since I’ll be able to focus and even if he did live with me I’d feel like I’d be ignoring him which isn’t fair.
I realize the road ahead will be hard but we are both willing to do it and the years fly by. I guess it all depends on the people involved and just make sure to make time for each other (like skype dates, skying a bit each night, calling each other before bed etc)