Post # 1
It’s a good thing I joined this forum when I did because already I am finding myself fit of frustration!
Last night (I can’t recall exactly how) SO brought up the ring thing again saying something along the lines of “sparkly…blah…blah…3 years from now.” I looked at him in disbelief and asked if he was joking with me, after all we’ve been together nearly 4 years, living together for 3, and in the last few months he’s become more and more comfortable with talking about proposing (he brings it up). Naturally I felt like a proposal might be coming within the year. “No” he says to me, he’s not joking. I calmly explain to him that I will need 2 years to plan our overseas wedding so that means it would be another 5 years before we get married. This does not sway him. I then point out that we have several aging family members (his own mother who is in her 70’s included) and I really want them all to be able to attend. When I mention my grandfather who is in his 80’s and will have to take a 9 hour plane ride he sheepishly says I am making him feel guilty. In the end he still thinks he needs another 3 years to propose.
I am just feeling so angry and hurt right now. I feel like he has just been teasing me these last few months and he won’t/ or can’t even explain why it’s going to take so long. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I certainly don’t want to pressure him but I feel like 7 years is more than a generous amount of time to wait to get married.
Post # 3
Aw, hon! I don’t even know what to say, apart from the obvious, I’m sorry! I know I definitely could not wait that long.
Is there any way you can try and talk to him again, see if it is finances, or what?
Post # 4
I’m so sorry 🙁 It sucks to realize you aren’t on the same page with the person you love. It may be time for you to do some soul-searching and decide whether or not waiting so long to even become engaged will work for you. That’s a lot of putting your life on hold to wait for him to make up his mind, and honestly? I think by this point he should know if he wants to marry you or not.
Is it just that he wants the proposal/ring to be perfect? Or does he have certain things he wants to accomplish before getting engaged? If neither of those is the case, then you come down to whether he’s ready to commit, and that’s a big one. The other two you could probably get through to him that they don’t need to be perfect, but if he isn’t ready the question is will he ever be? And are you going to resent him for making you wait so long for him to make up his mind once he is?
Post # 5
@Gingernx01: If my SO told me that, I’d probably give him the boot. IDC if 30 is the new 20 but I don’t want my Darling Husband to be 40 when we have our first kids (personal choice). At that point, our lives would not be aligning.
I’d ask him why he feels a need to wait so long…
Post # 6
@Gingernx01: that’s annoying. IF you are willing to wait, then tell him to stop talking about it because all it does is upset you and hurt your feelings. If you don’t want to wait that long, tell him. Ask him if he is serious about wanting to get married. Its not fair for him to drag you along for another 3 years if he isn’t serious.
Post # 7
I’m sorry I don’t think I have any real useful advice, but at this point I think I would strangle my SO if he said he was going to wait 3 more years to propose. I would try to talk to him again and get a reason why he feels like he needs 3 more years to be ready, and then you have to decide if you’re ok with waiting that long.
Post # 8
are you sure he’s not messing with you? I can’t understand why he’d keep bringing it up if he doesn’t want to get married. I’d think he’d avoid the subject at all costs.
Post # 9
Here’s the thing he definitely wants to get married and he has even told me he already has a plan for how to propose! I’ve told him (though I plan to tell him again) that he doesn’t need to do some huge dramatic proposal and I would be happy with something very simple.
As far as it being about finances…well we have combined finances and there has been no issues on that end of things (he’s a spender and I am a saver, but I am usually the one that worries about the money).
He is insistant that it’s a cultural difference and that in Ireland most people don’t get married until they are in their 30’s.
Post # 10
@GroovyHippieChick: If only he were! He is a terrible liar though, and can’t help but grin when he’s messing with me.
Post # 11
Wait, so how old is your SO? I mean, if you’ve already been dating for 4 years and living together for 3 of those years, couldn’t he propose now and then you set the wedding date for whenever he turns 30? Would that be acceptable? I’m so sorry you’re going through this! If I may ask, why do you have to cater to his cultural difference? Relationships should be about compromise, about bringing out the best in each other, not one always sacrificing and one always taking. That just really doesn’t make much sense to me.
Post # 12
@colli459: He’s 25 now. Yeah his logic is flawed.
haha, no I do not have to cater to his cultural differences it’s just the only reason for waiting he has ever been able to produce. You’re right about the compromise, which is why I felt it was reasonable to meet in the middle and get married after 7 years as opposed to his 9, or my 5. But again he is being quite illogical in this whole matter.
Post # 13
oh my god i would kill him. Honestly when guys say this (and dont get me wrong Mr. Rush is a culprit) i feel like its SOOO selfish. You know you want to get married…but you are going to force us to wait?
I would tell him your starting to resent him for making you wait. I dont understand why we have to tip toe around this subject so we dont upset them.
SO wanted to guy a house…i DIDNT…what happend? We bought a house. Your both on the same page about marriage why would he make you wait?
HAhaha i think i am venting a little too.
*HUGS* its so tough.
Post # 14
@Rush1986: You read my mind exactly!
The man is just being a big stubborn boob about the entire thing.
And by all means vent! It’s nice to have people to exchange these little rants with who understand how frusterating it can be.
Post # 15
@Mrs.SleepyKitty: Weird question: Did he specifically use the phrase “to propose?” Like, did he say he needed 3 years –>to propose<– or did he say he needed 3 more years? I’m only asking cause I had a similar conversation back in 2010 (I think) and my guy said he didn’t see anything happening for up to 2 more years. I almost flipped. 6 months later we talked about it again and he meant he didn’t see us getting married for another 2 years, not him proposing. He clarified that he would be proposing a lot sooner than that. It was a simple mix up where I assumed we were on the same page.
Honestly, with the whole “you making him feel guilty thing, I’d tell him you’re not making him feel guilty, you’re making him consider people other than himself. That if he really wants the family to be there, he needs to consider their circumstances and that he really doesn’t have all the time in the world. That it isn’t about him. It’s about the both of you. Man, that’s frustrating. You gonna have a follow up conversation with him?
Post # 16
Wow. That would make me so angry. I just hate the notion that marriage needs to be done on a timeline the MAN feels comfortable with. I think that’s such bullshit. There are two people in a relationship, both of their expectations and hopes should be considered. In my opinion, it’s rude to expect you to wait until you’ve been dating SEVEN YEARS when he’s already in his mid-20s. I mean, shit or get off the pot. That’s just mean.