Post # 1
Hello, I’ve been reading the boards for a bit but this is my first post.
I am 30 and I met my partner when we were 17. We dated a bit off and on through the years, but the timing was never right. When we weren’t dating we were close friends and talked almost daily. We have been together seriously now for over two years and have lived together for about 1.5 years.
When we first got together I told him that I didn’t want to get married, because I was being all independent and stuff. But after we moved in together I realized that I really did want that. I had never really stopped loving him all those years and I had known from age 19 that we had a special sort of chemistry that I’d never had with anyone else. We had a talk in January 2012 where I told him that I was interested in getting married, but he didn’t seem to think it was all that necessary. However, he did say that since it was important to me, he was willing but wanted to wait until we’d been together for 5 years.
Now, I should make it clear that my partner is the sweetest, most loving man I’ve ever known and he is extremely thoughtful about major life decisions. Part of me is happy that he’s being so careful with such a big thing, but the other part of me is having a hard time waiting. I mean, we have known each other for 13 years and been together for 2! And we are both 30 years old! I feel like I should be respectful of his timeline (and be thankful that there is one), but I am so ready to be his official married partner. He is much more than a boyfriend to me and I want our titles to accurately reflect what we mean to each other. He is the love of my life and I have no doubts whatsoever that he is it for me. I also want the health protections, as he drives a race car for fun and if anything should happen I’d want to be able to be there and make decisions.
Thanks for listening…if you have read this far I would love some thoughts on how do I manage to wait 3 whole years, or would it be totally unreasonable to try to get him to make that timeline a little shorter?
Post # 3
@Knitstar: Next time he wants something important, tell him you only feel comfortable waiting for three years to make sure it’s what he REALLY wants…that’s a total garbage reply, I think putting a time requirement on something like marriage is a pointless and arrogant grapple for power….I don’t think I would would appreciate feeling like I had to prove myself for the next three years
Post # 5
I would tell him how you feel. That you want to be his married partner, you’re willing to wait for awhile but you don’t think waiting three years is reasonable. Find the middle ground. He sounds like a great guy, I’m sure he’ll find a compromise with you.
Post # 6
He realizes that how long you’re together doesn’t affect whether you’ll get divorced, right?
I say next time he wants oral, tell him you want to wait a few years just to make sure it’s what’s best for both of you.
In all seriousness, though, he realizes that the TTC situation is a LOT different at 35 than it is at 30, right?! I know of at least two couples where the man “wait”-ed the woman completely out of her fertile years…..
Post # 7
@Knitstar: If you have dated on an off for 13 years, and have been together most recently for two, and have been living together for a year and a half, and you told your SO when you began dating him again that you did not want to get married but liked having your independence, I would imagine that it would take your SO some time to adjust to the fact that you’ve changed your mind about this. It’s a good sign that he seems to be in agreement with you that the two of you should head toward marriage in the future. However, the fact that your preferred timeline is so much more accelerated than his really is much more of an issue for you than it is for him.
In the spirit of full disclosure, I am not one to ever advocate for couples living together (or being sexually active) outside of marriage, as I oppose each for both moral and practical reasons. However, I don’t really see a way for you to inspire your SO to agree to your more accelerated timeline for marriage if he doesn’t want to do that, especially while he is able to enjoy so many of the benefits of being married to you right now, without having to take the step of getting married.
Would you give any thought to changing the nature of your relationship — or at least the nature of you living situation — in the interim? It’s possible that, if you did, he may find more of a reason to consider getting married sooner. On the other hand, it’s also possible that he would be put off by such a dramatic adjustment and change his mind about marriage altogether.
I wish you the best in your working to resolve this issue in your relationship.
Post # 8
Totally helpful there..thanks
Post # 9
If you want kids, then maybe talk to him about the fact that you are 30 and fertility declines after 35 🙁
Post # 10
How is 5 years any different than 2 years when you’ve known each other for 13 years? Sounds like he’s making excuses, I would call him out on it.
Post # 11
@asscherlover: No, neither of us really want kids, so that is not an issue.
Post # 12
If thats not a issue than I would just sit down and talk to him and say, hey hun I love you, we’ve known each other a long time. I want us to be married sooner rather than later to make this thing legal and binding and I so that I can be there for you should sometihing happen while your racing the car.”
But yes he might be surprised because you changed your mind. Is this something he ever wanted and considered? I would sit down and have a longer talk with him about this.
Post # 13
@Nona99: I don’t see why you needed to post that image– Brielle wasn’t rude.
Post # 14
@bookworm88: Insinuating that living her SO and being intimate with him has ruined her odds of inspiring him to propose seems kinda rude to me….plus hey, it’s funny.
Post # 15
I think it’s okay if he wants to wait a little bit longer. But it is a bit frustrating that he’s decided on some arbitrary amount of time. The next time the time is right, I might tell him that, while you’re okay with waiting a bit, you had envisioned yourself marrying him sooner than three years from now (or longer, if that’s the date for the engagement, not the wedding).
I would encourage him to think about why five years is so important. Perhaps he’ll see that it’s just an arbitrary measure of time. Good luck!
Post # 16
@Nona99: Yea I’m with you on that I thought that was sort of rude too. I get the voicing the opinion part but when you get into critizing due to lifestyle well thats in the “Shame” category. Here’s another one: