(Closed) 3 weeks before the wedding and I want to call it off.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3155 posts
Sugar bee

These kind of posts stink…It sucks that he lied to you about it. But it also sucks that you felt the need to look through his stuff. You don’t trust him, but he lied to you. I’d say neither of you are ready to get married. I would postpone. I talked to my Darling Husband about what he thought about this situation. 

I told him that I have a huge problem with strip clubs and he asked me why because they aren’t any different than porn. I gave him my reasons and although he doesn’t fully understand them, I think he respects me enough to not go there, or at least to be honest that he did. 

The fact that you couldn’t trust him enough to accept his story (even if it was proved a lie) tells me that you should work on your trust issues. The fact that he couldn’t respect your wishes, or tell you the truth and accept the consequences (like a grownup) tells me that he isn’t ready to commit himself to you and respect you as his wife. I think you have a right to change your mind up to the moment you say “I do”, but that does not include acting at your bachelor(ette) party like you are single. 

Post # 5
Member
3155 posts
Sugar bee

@Michelleivy:  I completely know what you mean. Recovering from that kind of thing is so, so hard. I’ve been cheated on and heartbroken, but overcoming that was the best thing. Sometimes, I feel soooo tempted to snoop on my Darling Husband, but having the self control not to is so hard, but it is something you have to acquire. Could it come back to bite you again? Absolutely, but is your behavior helping your relationship now? Does you SO feel like he can be honest with you and you won’t freak out and never forgive him?

Post # 6
Member
1074 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I guess you should ask what bothers you more? The strippers? The lie? Your pride?

If you have trust issues, especially with your fiance, you should not be getting into a marraige.

Before you commit to someone else, you should really look at yourself and your trust issues. When you get married, you vow to trust that person and be there for him no matter what. If this jolts you, you definitely need to get counseling on your own and then maybe together later. Marriage doesn’t get easier from here. The beginning is the easiest part. You basically are signing up for an eternity of anxiety because you’ll never trust him or know if he’s lying to you.

Help yourself before you commit your life to being one with another.

Besides, cutting it off now is definitely cheaper than going through with it and adding the divorce on top of it all later.

I’m sorry this is happening. You’re not alone though. I’ve had many friends in similar situations.

Weddings get canceled. Life goes on.

(ps, I’m in no way a professional giving advice. This is just how I see it)

Post # 7
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Oh I really feel bad for your situation. I dont think people are right if they chew you out for checking his chat, I would probably have done the same because I am also not okay with having strippers at a bachelor party, I know some people are okay with that and that is their own choice and I am fine with that, however I would be very upset to know my fiance had some naked girl dancing around him, it just disgusts me.

It really sucks that he wasnt honest about the situation. Have you told him you are considering cancelling your wedding? Maybe his reaction will tell you what you need to know. If his reaction is to beg you for forgiveness and to continue your plans for the wedding then I would believe he truly loves you and is sorry for his actions, cause we all know that most men crack under pressure from their friends in those situations. If he trys to turn the situation around and blame you for reading his chat, then he may unfortunately be not worth marrying. Marriage definetely involves trust, and if you feel like your trust is broken and he cant even say sorry then he may not be worth all the money you are spending into marrying him.

 

Maybe a family member would be better to talk to in your situation. I really hope for your sake you and your fiance can get through this bump in the road and have a happy wedding and marriage. I hope he begs you for forgiveness and treats you with respect! Best wishes. Sorry If I am not much help. But I wanted to try 🙂

Post # 8
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, that’s awful. I’m sorry you are going through this now when this should be a fun, exciting time.

It was very wrong for you to look through his chat, but I get the whole womens intuition thing. You wouldn’t have done that unless you felt that something was wrong. It was awful for him to lie to about it, too.

It doesn’t sound as though you 2 are ready for a life-long commitment. I would postpone but I know how difficult that is.

Have you talk to him about this? Or are you not speaking to him? Maybe you 2 need to have a serious conversation and find out what to do from there.

Good luck hun!

Post # 9
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Michelleivy: I’m sorry, but I personally think you’ll be doing him a big favor by not getting married.  I’ve tried to write this sentence a lot of ways without sounding attacking to someone I don’t know, but I just can’t: you are not ready to get married.  You have deeper issues about being in a trusting, loving relationship than he does.

Yes, he should not have lied to you.  But I’m finding it hard to see it from your perspective that he shouldn’t have gone to a strip club in the first place.  Communication is key in a relationship, but just by your post alone, it seems as if you didn’t even want to communicate about it.  “I don’t like strip clubs, so don’t go to one.” Seems to be the edict you decreed.

Should he have discussed it with you?  Explained that it was something he wanted to do and it has no bearing on your relationship?  Absolutely (after all, he chose to mary you, not a stripper).  But it seems as if discussing it with you was a non-starter.  So what’s the point?

By no means am I an expert on relationships.  My fiancee and I have our problems, for sure.  But I don’t believe being non-communicative is any way to start a life together.

In my mind, the problem didn’t start when he went to a strip club and you caught him.  The problem started when you didn’t even want to communicate and just made a demand.  It doesn’t seem that there is any open-mindedness, any willingness to understand his point of view.  It seems like there’s no two-way street.  And that, to me, tells me you’re not ready to get married.

I’m sorry.  I don’t know you.  And I don’t know your relationship.  But if you wanted a response based on your post, that’s what I got.

Post # 12
Member
5963 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m sorry your upset, it’s unfortunate this had to happen.  But don’t call it off over something like this…..you love this guy, you wanted to marry him, did you expect 50 years of perfection?  He had a bachelor party, went to a strip club, you didn’t want him to, he knew that, and did it anyway, his motives are something he should explain, and lying is never ok, neither is allowing the person you love to pay freight on your problems.  If you have trust issues and admit that your well on your way to eliminating the anxiety they cause, if you and Fiance can meet halfway on stuff like this, where he can do things and you can trust him, your ahead of the curve….don’t give up on this marriage, they all have issues.

Post # 13
Member
2906 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Wow, I’m so sorry you’re in this position. I don’t agree with Avondale necessarily — or at least I don’t think your focus should be on doing a favor for your Fiance. I do think at this point you would both be better off if you don’t get married. I don’t think you should feel guilty for having trust issues. If you never trusted your Fiance to leave the house and constantly checked his chat and email and never found any evidence of dishonesty on his part, THAT would concern me. But you trusted your intuition (which is important! especially for women!) and DID find evidence that backed up the feelings you were having. So, to me, I’d suggest that (for now at least) you set aside the “checking his chat” aspect of this situation. It is NOT the most important thing.

I’m really going to urge you strongly to cancel this wedding. This is not the way to go into a successful, happy marriage. Marriage is hard ENOUGH without the addition of having serious doubts and serious infidelity three weeks before the wedding. I honestly think you’re going to regret it if you marry this man.

Post # 14
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Michelleivy:  In response to Avondale’s comment, does your Fiance know that you were cheated on by your ex? If so, he should realize why you would not want him to go.

Once you are cheated on, it takes a VERY LONG TIME to get over that, regardless if you are in a healthy relationship with someone new or not. I was cheated on by my ex and my husband understands how insecure I used to be. I’m not any longer and I actually urged him to go to a strip club for him Bachelor party but strippers really gross him out so he just went bar hopping. But my point is that if he knows of your past and insecurities, he should have respected that no matter what.

Post # 15
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

He lied to you about what he was doing with other women.  I wouldn’t marry him, not even close.

 

Post # 16
Member
2577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am not condoning his lying, but he perhaps anticipated your reaction and was wanting to protect you. The message does not indicate any infidelity, from my understanding.

I get that being cheated on makes you a little paranoid, heck, I have had two significant relationships end (one of them a 6 year relationship) due to cheating. I have never, however, snooped through my husbands stuff. So being cheated on does not necessarily rationalise that what you did was ok.

I think you both need to have a rational chat. Maybe this needs to be with an independant third party to mediate. (Counselling) I also think you may need to accept that your snooping is likely as painful for him as him lying to you is for you.

Postpone the wedding if you need to.

 

The topic ‘3 weeks before the wedding and I want to call it off.’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors